Boys, girls, butt munchs of all ages! Welcome again to Money School. I hope your all in the holiday spirit because Baby Boy Sheckler sure is. I got the stockings hung by the chimney with care, in the hopes that the big fella with the beard soon will be there. I even snagged a box of factory damaged cookies for the fat bastard, plus a litre of grade C marsupial milk from Down Under! By the time Clause is done gorging himself at Sheckler Manor he’ll be too stuffed to leave, thus leavin everyone elses presents on the roof for me!!
Just friggin around, gang. No one except babies believes in Santa. I learned the hard way, at the tender age of 8 when I walked in on my old man wrappin the presents… then I told him “slip me a fifty and the other kids dont gotta know about this”. Thats right, the only Santa the Sheckler familys got wears a Bass Pro Shops hat and has a particular weakness for Busch Light. And boy Xmas can get expensive in a hurry if you dont watch your bottom line. Ive played Santy Clause for almost twenty years now so Ill take you inside the machine and show ya how to spend the least to get the most.
Ya, I know that this advice is a couple weeks useless, but stuff it down your pants for next year! Your a real goon if your way of saving money with Black Friday sales is to wait in line with the other mouth breathers outside a Target, and then hopin your nards dont get trampled when they open the doors at midnight. The best way to approach this one is to hide in the store the day before. Most of these joints got a camping section, so stock up on weenies and marshmallows, climb inside a tent and stay quiet as a titmouse! This year I hit Walmart hard. By the time they let the public in, I was already at the front cash with four flat screens, ten Xboxs and enough Chef Boyardy to feed an army.
One of the biggest costs is just from buying the paper to wrap the stupid presents. Well do it my way. On Xmas morning ya loudly interrupt that you went green and only used recycled newspapers to wrap everything. That way your not just saving money, your an instant hero! Its important to note that wrapping presents in old issues of Hustler does NOT have the same affect.
Get creative. Dont fall for the sparkly, platinum plated rotating crap. Just grab a whole stack of Christmas themed pizza fliers, punch a hook through em and call it a day
FEEDIN THE FAMILY
At some point during the holidays your probably going to have members of your family you didnt even know existed shufflin their fat rumps through your front door and expectin to be fed a criminal amount of food. Sausage rolls dont grow on trees! Well this is where your spouse’s office Christmas party will come in handy. Once everybodys got a few drinks in em and can barely stay on their feet much less keep tabs on what’s going on, break out the Ziplocks and start emptying the trays of food. Hell, I like to walk up the main drag on any Friday night in December and crash Christmas parties I wasnt even invited to. All you gotta say is that your the new girl’s boyfriend and that she’s runnin late. That gives you about an hour to load up, knock back a few brews and maybe even sneak a smooch under the missletoe!
Down at the real estate office they do a Secret Santa routine. REAL LAME. When it comes time to write your name and drop it in the hat, write someone elses. It doesnt matter who, just cant be you. Then when the big day rolls around and everyone sees who bought for who, you just yell out “HEY WOULDNT YA KNOW IT, I PICKED OUT MY OWN NAME! AINT THAT A KICK IN THE SEAT, FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS SOMETIMES, IM GONNA GRAB SOME EGG NOG”. And no one’ll know different because its not like they picked out your name. Sure, you dont get a present, but you dont gotta buy for anyone neither, and who wants some piece of crap book your coworker thought was “enlightening” anyways?
I can hear the idiots already, “Babe Christmas is the season of givin”, “Cheapin out makes you a real Scrooge”. But its not like I dont pitch in with my fair share of holiday cheer! I make my presence a present. Instead of forkin out money on useless material crapola, I’m the guy who livens up the party by singing Christmas classics like “I Farted On Santa’s Lap” or the self penned “Rudolf’s Gay”.
Thats all for me. I gotta force my boy Brayden up onto the roof to plug in the lights. Last year he slipped on a icy shingle and did a header into the above ground pool!! Ya better believe Im tapin it this year so I can send it in to the funny videos show. Merry Christmas to all and to all a cheap night!