Whoop, Whoop, Initiate! By now, you have a comprehensive understanding of the Wicked Shit, the nature of the Dark Carnival, and the Holy Duality of the Twisted Clowns. Much Mother-Fucking Wicked Clown Love (MMFWCL)! You are well on your way to becoming a full Ninja, and entering holy Shangri-La. But every true Ninja knows, the most dangerous Hatchet of all is Knowledge. Stay Psychopathic, Initiate, and study the following texts well!
THE JUGGALO BIBLE, pgs. 1-4:
BOOK OF GENESIS
[1:1] In the beginning when ICP created Shangri-La and the Wicked Shit,
[1:2] the Wicked Shit was formless and Staleness covered the earth, and an Ass Toot from Shaggy ripped over the face of the waters.
[1:3] Then Violent J said, “let there be Dope Hip-Hop”; and there was Dope Hip-Hop.
[1.4] And ICP saw that Dope Hip-Hop was Wicked, and ICP separated the Wicked Shit from the Staleness.
[1.5] ICP called the Wicked Shit the Dark Carnival, and the Staleness Eminem.
THE TEMPTATION OF ICP (from the Gospels of Hatchet_FIEND21, Chuggla, and SugarVag):
… and lo, didst the Fallen Clown, DankNugz, take Shaggy2Dope and Violent J to a high place, the roof of a local 7-11, and showed to the Wicked Clowns all the riches of their Detroit suburb, and said to them “all of this can be yours, if you will only give me the Wicked Shit”. Aided by a mighty chug from his Black Cherry Faygo, Shaggy2Dope issued forth a massive belch, and nailed DankNugz in the nards with the can. Guffawing as the Fallen One writhed in pain, Violent J said to the 7-11 cashier, “Did you see that shit?!”
THE PSYCHOPATHIC TRINITY:
The Wicked Shit
Violent J shaggy2Dope
THE JUGGALO COMMANDMENTS (Juggalo Bible pg. 57-58):
I. There is no power more Wicked than the Dark Carnival,
II. Thou shalt not covet thy fellow Ninja’s Neden, unless it truly be Bomb,
III. Thou shalt always shake up thy 2L of Faygo,
IV. Thou shalt make no false idols but the Wicked Clowns,
V. Thou shalt make no mention of DankNugz, the Fallen Clown,
VI. Thou shalt respect the holy artists of the Psychopathic Family,
VII. Thou shalt keep thy visage cloaked in greasepaint, which can be had at any theatre shop for surprisingly little cheddar,
VIII. Thou shalt cast scorn upon Feminem and his fans,
IX. Thou shalt Flash Ass for Cash (‘lettes only),
X. Thou shalt ALWAYS clear the bowl!!
The Myths of the Juggalo (pgs. 82-83 by Clanson Camden, professor of Ancient Juggalo History, Columbia University):
Though even the most lowly Initiate knew of the Holy Clowns, there existed a whole pantheon of minor Clowns, some of which are detailed here:
– DankNugz, the Fallen Clown –
The trickster god/devil figure of the Juggalo Pantheon, the DankNugz myths and legends appear to originate from one specific incident where Violent J found his then-girlfriend Macy, in flagrante delicto with a roadie named Derek Nucieto, who was then rapping for Psychopathic. Violent J forbade the Family from ever speaking of “the Fallen Clown” again, under pain of severe “ass-beats”.
– Chuggla, the First Juggalo –
The Gospel of Chuggla is considered an integral text in understanding Juggalo theology, as it makes clear the relationship between the Clowns and the Faygo beverage. Historical texts point to Chuggla being Shaggy’s little brother Chad, who from age 6 was enchanted by his older siblings’ foray into hiphop. The gospel is rife with spelling and grammatical errors, but one thing is made clear: ICP and Chuggla discovered the holy elixir by accident, while shopping with their mother at “the shitty Costco across town”, which was out of stock of more well-known sodas.
– Cannibyssa, the Seductress –
Cannibyssa appears throughout the Book of Bizaar, attempting to tempt the Clowns with her “fine-ass Neden”. The Clowns are able to resist her charms, by steeling themselves with the Juggalo precept “Homies before Blowies”.
CONTEMPLATIONS ON THE NATURE OF SHANGRI-LA (excerpted from THE CONFESSIONS OF ST. HATCHETSLASHA, 421 AD):
And then, in answer to my prayer, I was granted a vision of Shangri-La. A sense of pure Wickedness entered my heart, and I knew that this was truly the Dope Shit. Ah! I was only granted a brief gaze, but images of the City are burned into my mind forever. All 17 Flavours of Faygo flow from towering soda fountains, made of solid gold. My Dopest Homies were there – even Todd, who had gotten lame and stopped talking to us. We partied. Poppers, K, X, all flowed freely from friendly Clown dealers. My out-of-wedlock children seemed to disappear from my mind… Lake Hepatitis was there… but O, so much larger than at the Gathering…
THE HOLY IMAGE: