Halloween is obviously a wonderful opportunity to get dressed up and pretend to be somebody that you’re not, but would you not agree that in doing so we also reveal our most naked and honest selves?
Would you not agree?
If you’re a girl and you dress up as, say, a sexy nurse, you probably want to have sex. If you’re a guy and you dress up as, say, anything – it doesn’t really matter – you probably want to have sex too. Really, they should just change the name of the holiday to Big Fuck Night With Wigs.
Sexiness is one of Halloween’s greatest assets. But there exists an existential threat to this glorious celebration of sex and candy. You could say there is a pedophile lurking around the peripheries of this metaphorical Marcy Playground. That threat is my generation: Millennials, Echo Boomers, The iPod Generation. We learned how to masturbate at the same time we learned MSN Messenger and we shall never recover from it. In our great tradition, we are poised to do to Halloween what we’ve done to so many other great traditions: ruin it just by wanting to be a part of it. The same way we did with ironic facial hair. Or the economy. It’s called the “Born In The 80s Problem”
Recently, I noticed a Facebook friend’s status update that solidified my fear that Halloween’s demise at our hands is imminent. Within one status update, I could see everything that is wrong with our generation laid clear. To the greatest party that is Halloween, these failings represent real danger. I present my analysis here in the hopes that we can identify and eliminate the problems before it’s too late.
Note: This is not an attack on my friend. I’m not saying that what she wrote in her status makes her some kind of special shithead. Her behavior is not dissimilar to the shitty behavior so many other shitheads of my generation exhibit, myself included.
The following is the offending status, unabridged. Pay attention because this is about to get nuanced.
“Is it ok if this Halloween I do slutty vampire Hermoine (sic)? It’s a combination of slutty vampire and slutty school girl so that makes it twice as awesome. Right?”
Let’s break this down point by point.
i. VAMPIRE HERMIONE
This is pretty low hanging fruit, but enough with the obsession with vampires and Harry Potter. I enjoyed the Harry Potter books and I’m sure Twilight is a fine series. I’m not saying “don’t read them”. I’m saying “don’t read them eight times”. It’s hard not to be embarrassed when a peer says they’re going to re-read every Harry Potter/Twilight book for the 6th time so they will be ready for the when the movie comes out. Maybe try reading something where there is zero chance that any of the characters will turn into an animal.
ii. VAMPIRE HERMIONE PART 2
My generation is so arrogant that we think we can alter a huge, iconic character any way we want as if they belonged to us. We believe that we’re better writers than a woman who made more money than the fucking Queen of England by WRITING BOOKS. Would you remix Scorsese and put Jake LaMotta in a tutu? No. I know that our whole lives we’ve been encouraged to use our imaginations. This time, try imagining some respect.
Note: This is not a veiled racist tirade leveled at Aisha because she’s Jamaican and wants to be Hermione. Racial acceptance/irrelevance is probably one of the best aspects of my generation. For the record, I love Black Spiderman.
iii. COMBINATION SLUTTY VAMPIRE AND SLUTTY SCHOOL GIRL
Kids my age are so hyper-aware of our own sexuality that it trivializes sex and renders it as something that exists outside of ourselves… at least that’s what I tell myself any time I can’t maintain an erection. It’s generational, right? We’re all going through this, RIGHT?
iv. IS IT OK…? IT’S TWICE AS AWESOME. RIGHT?
Our coddling parents have left us in need of constant validation, especially before we’re willing to put in any hard work. How afraid of failure can you be? You need approval of your Halloween costume on the same night people are willing to dunk their heads into a bucket of water so they might get an apple? Expectations are low. Next thing you’ll be asking Professor Halloween for an extension because you didn’t have a chance to make it to the thrift store before all the good hooker boots got snatched up.
v. THE SHITTIEST PART
The absolute worst part about this whole thing is that I’m writing this stupid diatribe about a Facebook status and then I’m going to complain to my mom, who I live with, about how I can’t find a “real” job. I’m a piece of shit.
In reviewing this list, I’ve decided that there is no hope. Everything that makes Halloween great – the silliness, the abandon, the un-pretentiousness – we lack in spades. We overthink it, which is against the whole point. The only ways we can save Halloween are to stay home and hand out candy, or get a couple guys together and dress up as Tetris. Some guys from my high school did that once, and it was the best.