G’day freaks and geeks!! It’s the Babester welcomin you to another sintilating session of the Money School. Sorry I been more invisible than those African babies everyones been cryin about, but I took a couple months off on an extended island vaycay. Alright I’ll level with ya folks. It was less of a extended vaycay and more of a detention. The door knobs at Montego Bay Airport didnt take too kindly to my attempts to smuggle affordable Jamaican dynomite onto the plane in my undies, nor the racial humer that followed. But I made it back in one piece, other than the fairly brutel cavity searches. C’mon Bob Marley, to treat me like that ya gotta buy me dinner first!!
But lets get down to brass tax. Weathers gettin nicer and its the time of year that a young mans thoughts turn to sports gamblin – “The Sweet Sceince”. Its the best way for a guy like yours Babely to feel the thrill of victory without breakin a sweat, which I’m proud to say I aint done since 2001. More importantly you can wrack up some serious dough too. People will say its an easy way to part with your money but thats only if you LOSE, dumbnuts!
The NCAA basketball tournament is in full swing and as usual I filled out my bracket. Also as usual I went 0/32 in the first round. Didnt see the big Duke upset comin, and I also picked Elwood, UCLC and Northern State, which I have sence learned do not exist. Chalk it up to expereince! But college b-ball aint my game, gang, which is why the steaks were low: ten bucks to be payed to the charity of the winners choice. The honor system applies, so I guess my local hoagie joint is the charity of the winners choice!!
Thats the most important part of sports bettin, “knowin your weaknesses”. You cant just go around willy nilly, throwin your hard earned bucks at whichever team has the prettiest logoe. If so I’d be plunkin down money on the Toronto Rapters every night. Sorry ladies and jerks, I got a weird thing for dinoes. No, “you gotta have a system”, which is the important part of sports bettin.
I go even farther. I dont just got a system, I got math formulas! I took the ideafrom that Moneyballs movie, which is based on the true story of Bradd Pitt buying a baseball league. At least I think it was, gonna cop to being snackered for most of it cause I brought a bottle of wine into the theater. I like to smuggle it inside a fake oxagen tank. Gotta keep it classy!
Anywho in that movie Pitt has his “Saber Metrics”. So I came up with some “Baber Metrics”®™©! Can’t beleive I’m givin away my secrets to John Q Whackstain on the internet so I’m either feelin generous or got a touch of my pop’s dementia. At least I hope hes got dementia, otherwise theres really no excuse for the amount of time he spends in the woods. Here are my fool proof equations for picking winners at the sports.
= Black guys – White guys x hieght of black guys
= Team pay roll
= Tattoos – years of high school completed x domestic abuse charges
= Serving speed x decibel level of grunts
= Fast black guys – (Devout christians x 100)
Sorry kids, thats all I can justify givin away for free! I hope you all enjoy gamblin as much as I have, but if you lose all your money, dont come whinin to me! Ya must just be unlucky and Baber Metrics®™© does not work if you have been voodoo’d, cursed by a ghost or had sex with a Indian skeleton.
Next time Ill tell ya how to lay low when you owe your skinhead bookie money you dont have. Until then this is Babe sayin if your not rich, you must be an idiot!!