Plank-Fu
The CIA’s top agents are being killed off by international planking assassins. The agency turns to the greatest planker of all time to get to the bottom of it. Gavin “Stiffy” Johnson, the American planking legend, makes his film debut in a martial arts spectacular unlike anything you’ve seen before. When the deadly secrets of the East and the planking skills of the West are united in an Olympic-class planker, the results are astounding: the Plank-Fu warrior! Gavin must use all his planking prowess to uncover the truth (by impersonating a corpse or by hoping nobody notices him) and defeat the bad guys (by lying motionless and hoping they trip over him). In the end it all comes down to a deadly plank-off, pitting Gavin against Lord Plankington (Eric Roberts), the man who invented the patent for planking.
The skill of planking. The kill of kung-fu. This February, will you Plank-Fu?
The Family Circus
Middle-aged middle management office drone Bill Circus (George Clooney) is having a mid-life crisis. He never became the successful cartoonist he always dreamed he’d be. He hates his kids, depicted as creepy CGI creations. They’re obnoxious. They have a lousy sense of humor. And they’re sucking the creative life out of him. When his wife Thelma (Judy Greer) announces she’s pregnant with their fourth child, Bill finally snaps. He quits his job, locks himself in the home office and draws comics. For hours on end. For days on end.
Bill Keane’s syndicated comic strip hits the big screen in the most subversive adaptation since Paul Verhoeven’s Starship Troopers. Directed by Alexander Payne (Sideways, About Schmidt, The Descendants).
Horsin’ Around
Lovelorn comedy blogger Miles Vogel (Andy Samberg) was ready to give up on the Internet dating scene… until he met Skylar (Zooey Deschanel). She’s quirky, she’s funny, she’s smart. She’s gorgeous. But when he finally meets her in person he discovers she’s also a centaur! Miles is put-off at first by the horsy smell, the accusations of bestiality, and the fact that she legally has to wear a diaper in public. But he learns not to look this gift horse in the mouth and sees her for who she truly is — a sexy woman with horse parts.
But Skylar has a dark past. She was summoned to this realm by Dougie Doyton (Patton Oswalt), an amateur ice wizard/D & D enthusiast/tech support operator, who wants to make her his queen. But Skylar dumped him, and ever since, he’s been using his ice-lightning to dispose of all her potential boyfriends. And Miles is his next target.
Boy Meets Centaur. Boy Loses Centaur. Boy Battles Evil Ice Wizard in Magical Fantasy Realm. Just your typical, average, everyday love story.
The Film Critic
Roger Siskel (Kevin James) is a schlubby TV film critic who gives glowing reviews to everything he sees. But when an artificial coconut falls on his head while dining at the Rainforest Café, he suffers brain damage that makes him give only negative reviews. His review of Fart of Dixie is particularly scathing, causing the film to flop at the box office. Its star (Adam Sandler, as himself) vows on behalf of lowbrow comedy actors everywhere to give Roger a taste of his own medicine. He makes Roger’s life as miserable as film critics have made his. If you like watching Kevin James get hit in the groin, you’ll be in hit-in-the-groin heaven!
By the end of this thinly veiled jab at critics’ contempt for Happy Madison’s output, Roger and all the other Rogers of the world learn that movies aren’t really about artistry, technical proficiency, or even coherent storylines. They’re really all about how much product placement you can cram into 90 minutes. Try the NEW Caribbean Coconut Curry Shrimp, only at the Rainforest Café: part adventure, part restaurant and wholly entertaining for the whole family. Rainforest Café.
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