By now, you’ve all read about, discussed and become bored of the Manti Te’o story. Well, I’m here to join Te’o and bravely announce that I too was “Catfished” – led to believe I was in a relationship with a woman who turned out to be nonexistent. And like Te’o, I reached out to a media outlet for an interview so I could tell my story. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get one as high profile as ESPN.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: Thanks for coming in to talk with us today. I know this must be tough.
DAVE HODGSON: Are you kidding? You guys have one of those Coca-Cola Freestyle machines by the elevators! You must drink like four Cokes a day! … very tough, yes.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: Tell us about how you first “met” Realia Actual-Person.
DAVE HODGSON: Well, I was logged in on Facebook, adding all the strangers who had requested me as a friend. That’s a thing that I do. Some people only confirm people they know on Facebook, but I treat it more like a halfway house for wayward social networkers.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: And you hit it off?
DAVE HODGSON: Oh, almost immediately. I was like we’d known each other for ages. She knew my likes, my favourite music, even places I’d recently been. Her pictures were the icing on the cake.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: Tell us about those pictures.
DAVE HODGSON: She was the most beautiful creature I’d ever seen, and that’s saying something because I used to have a sweet-ass gecko. It was only later that I learned all of her photos were scanned out of women’s magazines. I only blame myself. Especially since she didn’t even bother to crop out the articles.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: Did you ever Skype with “her” to verify she existed?
DAVE HODGSON: That was all we did. But all I could see of her was a black box, because she said she couldn’t get her camera to work. If technical ineptitude didn’t horn me up so bad, I probably would have figured this thing out sooner.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: How “did” the “relationship” “end”?
DAVE HODGSON: It ended when she died. Someone gave her the birthday “present” of a Subway gift card, which meant she’d have to eat there at least twice.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: So she got sick?
DAVE HODGSON: Suicide.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: And how was this cruel ruse finally revealed to you?
DAVE HODGSON: My Uncle Judd fessed up to it at a family reunion, claiming he was just “jerkin'” my “gherkin” and that I shouldn’t “shit my panties.” He did eventually apologize, but not before passing around a leather-bound album of the dick pics I’d sent him. I would be angrier if he hadn’t done such a professional job on it.
NECK PILLOW AFFICIONADO: So, own any neck pillows?
DAVE HODGSON: I was promised there’d be no neck pillow questions!