I recently learned of an online magazine called Inspire which is not a collection of touching Chicken Soup-style anecdotes. Unfortunately, it’s even worse: the official English-language publication of al-Qaeda. It functions as a Seventeen for the terrorist set, with articles ranging from “Losing a Friend in Jihad” to “Torching Parked Cars.”
My professional writing career has really sputtered in the past few months and I’m at the point where I’ll write for just about anyone who’ll have me. With that in mind, I decided to reach out to al-Qaeda and Inspire with a few article pitches.
From: “Dave Hodgson” [email@example.com]
Date: April 24, 2013 1:44:26 PM EDT
To: “Inspire” [firstname.lastname@example.org]
I’m a shameful North American pig-dog, and I’m hoping that you’re interested in a Westerner’s perspective for your magazine. I have some ideas for features that I think would be big hits with your readership.
Successful Suicide Bombers: Where Are They Now – I’ve always wondered!
52 Kinky Sex Moves Your Cell Leader Will Love – “If you blow on the back of his knee, you might get an explosion that doesn’t take place in a crowded market!”
Quran Bites – The Quran is 114 chapters long, so I think even you can admit you haven’t read the whole thing. So why not summarize it for the light readers? Here are chapters 1 – 43:
“Allah is a super dude. If you’re not down with him, there’s gonna be trouble, chief!”
Inspire for Kids – I know it’s a little early to be pitching an entire new magazine, but think of how great it’d be. Riddles, crafts, and the instructive adventures of Infidel and Messenger! “Infidel eats with his left hand. Messenger cuts off Infidel’s left hand.”
An Interview with Bryan Cranston – I know this has nothing to do with terrorism, I’d just love to bend his ear. I wonder if the last eight episodes of Breaking Bad will be dark!
Thank you for your time. Even if you aren’t interested in my articles, best of luck in bringing the great tyrant to its knees!
I have yet to hear back. But encouragingly, I also have yet to be destroyed!