The Internet is an almost-endless repository of information about seemingly every historical event. But I recently discovered that there is absolutely nothing available online regarding the short-lived sports career of the Tasmanian Devil. Yes, that Tasmanian Devil. All that’s left to mark his time as a professional athlete are eBay listings for cheap merchandise like this:
I decided to dive deep into the subject to present the first in-depth account of Taz’ pro sports career, which definitely happened. Because, otherwise, no one would have made this crap, right? Right.
Green Bay Packers (1992)
Stemming from his success in the fields of being crazy and spinning around a lot, Taz was signed by the Packers and anointed their starting quarterback for the 1992 season. It didn’t take long for the Tasmanian Devil to falter, and after three disappointing starts and a high ankle sprain, Taz was supplanted by future Hall of Famer Brett Favre.
Pittsburgh Steelers, New York Jets (1993)
Taz spent the next season riding the pine for two other NFL teams, during which he saw sparse playing time, and when he did take the field, he didn’t appear to know which sport he was playing or what he was even supposed to be doing. Fun fact: his spectacularly unspectacular performances with these teams are why “Taz” is also the nickname of Mark Sanchez.
Cincinnati Reds (1994)
Reinventing himself as a multi-sport athlete in the vein of Bo Jackson or Deion Sanders, Taz made the leap to professional baseball, inking with the Cincinnati Reds. This time, he was joined by other familiar faces including Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Yosemite Sam in a lineup that Reds ownership hoped would goose flagging attendance and drive opponents “looney.” Unfortunately the squad set a new record for futility, winning a pitiful 13 games and earning themselves the moniker of the “Puny Tunes.” Taz was particularly awful, posting a league-low .032 average and 415 strikeouts. Also, he didn’t know what the baseball was and he tried to eat the baseball.
Los Angeles Kings (1995)
Another year, another sport for the Tasmanian Devil, as he joined a Kings squad looking for cost-effective toughness. But Taz was unceremoniously released after frequent clashes with head coach Larry Robinson, who complained that his player spoke in “some kind of crazy unintelligible animal language.” This language was later revealed to be French.
Chicago Bulls (1996)
Just when you thought Taz was ready to hang up his… well, nothing… he tried one last sport on for size: basketball. He was picked up by the Chicago Bulls on a league-minimum deal, and surprising all observers, he became one of their strongest defenders and a invaluable source of energy at the end of the bench. With his help, and the return of a pretty talented player named, oh, Michael Jordan, the Bulls won their fourth championship in six years, and against all odds, Taz had reached the pinnacle of professional sports.
He was then banned from the NBA for life after eating Toni Kukoc.
And with that, the Tasmanian Devil’s pro sports career ended. But could he return to the sports world, as an active competitor or even head coach of Tasmania State? Only time will tell. But if he does, you’ll surely hear about it through the bargain clothing rack at your local Settle 4 Le$$.