In the United States of A, snack titans Lay’s recently put on a Facebook contest for fans to decide the flavor of their new chip. The finalists actually aren’t half-bad. Sriracha?! I’d drown a man just to lick the empty bag.

Now the campaign has made its way to my beloved Canada. I waded through the entries and while I won’t say that a lot of the suggestions have been terrible, I… no, I will say that. It sums everything up pretty succinctly. These are actual user-created chip flavours.

Dear me, no.

Get off my planet.

You… sick… bastard.

I don’t even really want to think about this chip.

These chips would be bad and you’re a bad person.

I wouldn’t eat you if you were on fire.

I wouldn’t eat you because you were on fire.

Do pie cupcakes exist? Frig chips, I’m going to the boulangerie!

That great bread taste – now in a chip!

With all the big flavour of lettuce, tomatoes and mushrooms.

So, a chip, then?

Since I saw about a hundred other Poutine entries, and most of those were capitalized and spelled correctly, I’d say your chances of winning are remote.

Tzat what now?

Salmon like you’ve never seen salmon before.

I am confused.

I’m willing to remove these chips from the article if they taste exactly like Byron Eddy.

The bold flavour of triumph and tribulation in the football-obsessed American heartland. And… chicken wings.

You have a problem.

Ugh. Why did you make me picture the inside of Martin Short’s gym clothes after a sweaty game of squash with Eugene Levy?

Still more appetizing than Peppermint Milk.

Yes, Thok, Lay’s are yum yum. But what we’re looking for here is a flavour.

Okay, I can’t look at a whole lot more of these.

Someone do me a flavour and put me out of my misery.