Just friggin around, gang. No one except babies believes in Santa. I learned the hard way, at the tender age of 8 when I walked in on my old man wrappin the presents… then I told him “slip me a fifty and the other kids dont gotta know about this”. Thats right, the only Santa the Sheckler familys got wears a Bass Pro Shops hat and has a particular weakness for Busch Light. And boy Xmas can get expensive in a hurry if you dont watch your bottom line. Ive played Santy Clause for almost twenty years now so Ill take you inside the machine and show ya how to spend the least to get the most.

BLACK FRIDAY

Ya, I know that this advice is a couple weeks useless, but stuff it down your pants for next year! Your a real goon if your way of saving money with Black Friday sales is to wait in line with the other mouth breathers outside a Target, and then hopin your nards dont get trampled when they open the doors at midnight. The best way to approach this one is to hide in the store the day before. Most of these joints got a camping section, so stock up on weenies and marshmallows, climb inside a tent and stay quiet as a titmouse! This year I hit Walmart hard. By the time they let the public in, I was already at the front cash with four flat screens, ten Xboxs and enough Chef Boyardy to feed an army.

WRAPPING PAPER

One of the biggest costs is just from buying the paper to wrap the stupid presents. Well do it my way. On Xmas morning ya loudly interrupt that you went green and only used recycled newspapers to wrap everything. That way your not just saving money, your an instant hero! Its important to note that wrapping presents in old issues of Hustler does NOT have the same affect.

ORNAMENTS

Get creative. Dont fall for the sparkly, platinum plated rotating crap. Just grab a whole stack of Christmas themed pizza fliers, punch a hook through em and call it a day

FEEDIN THE FAMILY

At some point during the holidays your probably going to have members of your family you didnt even know existed shufflin their fat rumps through your front door and expectin to be fed a criminal amount of food. Sausage rolls dont grow on trees! Well this is where your spouse’s office Christmas party will come in handy. Once everybodys got a few drinks in em and can barely stay on their feet much less keep tabs on what’s going on, break out the Ziplocks and start emptying the trays of food. Hell, I like to walk up the main drag on any Friday night in December and crash Christmas parties I wasnt even invited to. All you gotta say is that your the new girl’s boyfriend and that she’s runnin late. That gives you about an hour to load up, knock back a few brews and maybe even sneak a smooch under the missletoe!

SECRET SANTA

Down at the real estate office they do a Secret Santa routine. REAL LAME. When it comes time to write your name and drop it in the hat, write someone elses. It doesnt matter who, just cant be you. Then when the big day rolls around and everyone sees who bought for who, you just yell out “HEY WOULDNT YA KNOW IT, I PICKED OUT MY OWN NAME! AINT THAT A KICK IN THE SEAT, FUNNY HOW LIFE WORKS SOMETIMES, IM GONNA GRAB SOME EGG NOG”. And no one’ll know different because its not like they picked out your name. Sure, you dont get a present, but you dont gotta buy for anyone neither, and who wants some piece of crap book your coworker thought was “enlightening” anyways?

I can hear the idiots already, “Babe Christmas is the season of givin”, “Cheapin out makes you a real Scrooge”. But its not like I dont pitch in with my fair share of holiday cheer! I make my presence a present. Instead of forkin out money on useless material crapola, I’m the guy who livens up the party by singing Christmas classics like “I Farted On Santa’s Lap” or the self penned “Rudolf’s Gay”.

Thats all for me. I gotta force my boy Brayden up onto the roof to plug in the lights. Last year he slipped on a icy shingle and did a header into the above ground pool!! Ya better believe Im tapin it this year so I can send it in to the funny videos show. Merry Christmas to all and to all a cheap night!

This time I got somethin special planned for ya. Very few souls outside of yours truly have seen the inside of my email inbox. Some say its HAUNTED by the ghosts of people I snookered with one sided offers! Well gang wonder no longer, I’m openin up the curtain and showin you some very select email communicays between the Babester and some poor saps who ever saw me comin.

The “bait and switch”. It gets talked about like a fart in a hot car. But as a entrepranaur its one of the most valuable tools in your toolbox. If your desperate to unload a piece of merchandice ya have to do whatever you can to start the conversation. That’s why I like to go on craigslist and make ads for things I dont have.

I posted this up last week and got about 50 emails from freeloaders who are chomping at the mouth to pick up my stuff. Of course I aint got any stereos or TVs to give away, so I just say theyre already gone but hey, would you like to buy something else. ITS GENIUS

But its not all peaches and gravy because there are four specifec types of characters that are gonna give you trouble when your pulling the bait and switch.

TYPE #1 : EL CHEAPO

If it aint free they aint interested. You could be sellin the Mona Lisa for a half eaten whistle dog and a song and these stingy bastards would still pass.

That was the last I heard from Johnny Toronto. Your loss numb nuts, “Code Name: Killer Assassin” goes back into the vault

TYPE #2 : THE HYPERCONDRIACS

Not everything I sell is in mint condition, and these dingleberrys turn up their snooty noses at anything that aint “Just So”.

TYPE #3 : MR ANGRY

Not everyone on C-list is an udder delight to deal with like me. Its not enough that they aint interested in what your selling, they have to threaten you while they do it.

Hey pal, if you dont get that chip off your shoulder I’ll punch it off. I was gonna say that to him but I got busy

TYPE #4 : THE CLOWN SQUAD

Nothin scalds my crank like idiots who take a useful website like craigslist and use it to waste peoples time. This mental midget used my ad as a chance to try out his stand up comedy act.

Thats hilarious Bill Engvall, I hope you try that routine on a Type 3 and he knocks your face down your throat!

If your wonderin, I didnt end up sellin any of that stuff, but this techneke sometimes take a few tries. Bout an hour ago I put up a freebie ad for 100 pounds of non perishable canned food so some real hungry fools email me up and I can try to move my broken deep fryer. FINGERS CROSSED

Cheers and remember, if your not rich your not tryin!

Babe Sheckler

LESSON #1 : HAGGLE BABY

A wise man once said that “the final offer is the one that gets written on the check”. Who said that? Your readin him right now. When the fart stains who make this website dialed me up, they tried to pull the classic “lowball”. In exchange for my time and expertese these mental midgets offered me…  ZIP JACKITY SQUAT.

Thats right, apparently this website is a money loser and everyone here is “doin it for fun”. I laughed so hard I almost ruined a good pair of dockers. So I countered with 9.62 dollars per column. Why? Well…

LESSON #2 : EVEN NUMBERS ARE SCARY

The brain works in weird ways. Stores never sell something for a whole dollar. (Except the dollar store, but do ya want a jar of pickles some underpaid shlub in Hong Kong probably shot his load into? DIDNT THINK SO) Its cause 99 cents seems like a lot less. I wanted 10 bucks a pop to write for this butthole (heard that Tom Clancy started out making that much to write Fold Ins for Mad Magazine, and ya gotta respect the greats) so I asked for $9.62. Cause whats 38 cents to someone like me? If ya dont know the value of a dollar, its cause you got enough that you can blow 200 of em on a remote control helicopter.

After somethin that sounded like muffled laughter but was probly them peein their panties, they CAVED. Some sad sack on the other end said “Wow I dont know how we’ll afford that Babe”. Well numb nuts you can start by sellin anything you dont need on the computer. Hell lets make that a lesson.

LESSON #3 : SELL ANYTHING YOU DONT NEED ON THE COMPUTER

Ive made a ton of dough over the years just sellin useless crap I find lyin around the house. For instance I was pawin through the drawers in my boy Brayden’s room, makin sure he’s still steerin clear of the funny stuff, and you wouldnt believe how many pairs of tighty whiteys this kid has. 6! You’d think he’s startin his own undie store. So I listed TEEN BOY UNDERWEAR on Kijiji and within ten minutes, this grubby old geez rips up to Sheckler Manor in his van and buys the lot for a cool hundo. TRUE STORY

LESSON #4 : GIVE AN INCH TAKE A MILE

Maybe you think $9.62 is a lowly fee for a valuable service like this. Well jerk, the fart balls who run this garbage hole never said there was a limit to how many of these I could write. Thats why its part 1 of 1800! I’m gonna crank out 12 of these a day. I wrote this whole thing with my Blackberry, sittin on the can at the mall. I made ten bucks just by workin out a plate of (DELICIOUS) Manchu Wok.

I dont know what idiots like Steve King have been groanin about, writing is the easiest thing ever. You just start typin and don’t stop. If your goin back to fix grammer or take out a racial slur then your wasting precious seconds.

That segways into my last lesson of the dump …

LESSON #5 : TIME IS MONEY

If you dont value your own time, your never gonna be a success. During the boring crap that takes up most of your day you gotta multi task and hunt for that next dollar. Some people would (and did) say that hagglin the price of a used car during my brother’s funeral was a tasteless move. Well I bought that ride for 700 bucks and flipped it three months later for 750. I made 50 bones when I could have been squirtin tears like those other fools!

Folks the toilets been flushed and its time to get back to the rest of my Manchu. If you dont see 12 editions of MONEY SCHOOL poppin up on here each day, its not because I aint been writin them. Just e-mail the dummies who run this joint at fartballs@funtimesinternet.com and say I WANT MY BABE TV

CHEERS

Babe Sheckler

Collected below are the tweets in question. Is it true? Will Patrick Warburton respond? One thing’s for sure: if it happened, Babe deserved it.

UPDATE: Babe just emailed us a private message sent to him by Patrick Warburton.

Unconvinced, Babe has continued his poorly-spelled onslaught, in an apparent attempt to prove once and for all that one cannot shit a shitter.

Will this ever end? We hope not. This is as close to being TMZ as we’ll ever get. If someone OD’s, we are so on it.

‘Tis the season for giving – that is, unless you’re everyone’s favourite awful man, Babe Sheckler. As we all scramble to find the perfect gift for our loved ones, Babe’s already got it figured out, and we have the audio to prove it. Enjoy this special four-part holiday feature, and Merry Anything, everyone!

Merry Christmas, Babe Sheckler – Pt. 1

Merry Christmas, Babe Sheckler – Pt. 2

Merry Christmas, Babe Sheckler – Pt. 3

Merry Christmas, Babe Sheckler – Pt. 4

Originally released on Aaron Zorgel & Friends: Naughty/Nice – A Christmas Mixtape.

We present to our faithful readership a peek at the best and worst of the tracks that didn’t make the cut for this year’s album. Keep in mind, I say “best and worst” without any real commitment. I’m not saying which one is the best, and I’m not saying which one is the worst. I’m not going to clarify whether I actually meant worst and worst. How do you make a wink-face in html code? Or is it php? Ah, fuck it. Here are the cut tracks from this year’s Christmas Album.

1. Merry Fartmas – Kris Haig-Brown

You might remember this chap from our failed Fun Time Records launch last year. Things were all going smoothly around the release of his debut album Stuttgart State of Mind, until the Jewish Defence League started lobbying for the abolition of Fun Time Records and the exclusion of all current and future releases from our exclusive deal with the Opa-Locka Best Buy. We really should have read his liner notes before we sent them off to the presses. Who knew a song like “Hatdaddy Stole My Women” could have such hateful overtones?

KHB decided to take things a little less seriously for his big comeback, and thus was born the holiday romp “Merry Fartmas”. This track really showcases Kris Haig-Brown’s talent as a one-man band. He told me he recorded the whole thing in just one take with three microphones. One for vocals, one for guitar, and one for… oh, god. That’s gross. CUT IT!

2. Do You Hear What I Hear? – The BabeBeaner Experience

If you’re a Fun Time Fanboy (or our only confirmed Fun Time Fangirl – I’m looking at you, Mrs. Swidersky!), you might recognize these voices from our long-running webradio show Shut Up and Listen: Nights. The Babester is known for his hagglin’ but who knew he could croon?  On this track, he’s joined by our resident soprano Eric Bobeaner, long-time producer of SUAL: Nights and one-time rapist. It looked like this holiday banger had secured its spot on the track-listing, until I got a letter from the legal department at Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines.  It read as follows:

Dear Mr. Zorgel,

We understand that you and one Mr. Eric Bobeaner are engaged in a recording project. Please be advised that the RCC Lines have an exclusive life-spanning performance contract with Eric Bobeaner that he signed last year in exchange for some pineapple and ham.

Please cease and desist any and all creative interactions with Bobeaner, and if you see him, please tell him that they really need that Pocahontas costume back.

Faithfully yours,

Roderick Greene
Entertainment Lawyer
On behalf of the Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines

Rather than accept this fate, and have this gem dwell in obscurity, I thought I’d push the limits and host the track here. Roderick Greene, if you’re reading this, I won’t take it down unless you make me a healthy offering of pineapple and ham. The always entrepreneurial Babe Sheckler didn’t let this setback stunt his quest for fame. He managed to submit a few audio clips that did make the final cut of the album.

And that’s that, folkies. Another year, another hour of Christmas drivel crunched out into the world.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Download the 2009 Christmas Album – Naughty/Nice: A Christmas Mixtape by Aaron Zorgel & Friends.

‘Tis the season to be thrifty! Sorry, “jolly”. ‘Tis the season to be jolly. And Babe Sheckler is both in this Christmas edition of Art of the Haggle! Hot on the trail of the perfect (ie. cheapest) gift for son Brayden, Babe is logging onto Craigslist, checking it twice, and hooking up with Zane who’s selling an electric shaver. Will it be a Merry Christmas for the Sheckler brood or just more egg noggin’ and sobbin’? Your throbbing curiosity commands you to find out!

The most recent SMTP sonnet must have tickled him raw. And with a Dutch lottery jackpot being dangled, it’s not hard to see why. Perhaps deeming email communication too impersonal, Babe broke out the calling card and dialed up one “Felix Henk” to root out the deal. What follows is his wiretapped copy of the conversation. (He records everything; guy is like Nixon. Someday they’re gonna get leaked, and there’s gonna be a whole lot of him trashing a guy who sold him a broken Barcalounger.) Listen up!

That was nothing if not informative – who knew the Netherlands was the Land of Chips? Rouse the kids, play it again for them, and tell them they’ll never need geography class again.

Here’s the original email from Henk and company. How could one not be swayed by all those asterisks? Or the Batch No.? Today, Felix, you’ve taught a man to phish.

Subject: Email winner
From: “2009 LOTTO NL”
Date: Wed, April 22, 2009 9:25 am
To: undisclosed-recipients:;

AWARD WINNING NOTICE
Ref No.17/324/113
Batch No.448/1803734
Ticket/Series No.RJ975489
Amount Won: $2,500,000.00 USD

Attn: Email Bearer,

This is to formally inform and congratulate you on the result of the online cyber lotto which was conducted from an exclusive list of 1,000.000 email addresses of individual and corporate bodies selected by an advanced automated random computer ballot system from the internet.

Your e-mail address emerged as a winner in the category “A” with the following information enclosed.

You are therefore to receive a cash prize of $2,500,000.00. (Two Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars).

To file in for the processing of your prize winnings, you are advised to contact our Certified and Accredited claims agent for category “A” winners with the information below:
*************************************
Name: Felix Henk
Email:felixhenk@aol.nl
Phone:+31 614 902 159
Fax: +31 847 375 060
*************************************
You are advice to provide him with the following information and a copy of your international passport or driver’s license via email attachment or by fax for vetting process which is a standard practice just to ensure that we are dealing with the right individual.

Names:
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality:
Age:
Occupation:
Winning Email:

NOTE: Ensure to quote your Reference Numbers in all your communication with your claims agent. All winnings must be claimed not later than seven working days, thereafter unclaimed funds would be included in the next stake.

Sincerely Yours,
Mrs. Yvonne Zwanette
Lottery Coordinator.
www.lotto.nl

You got your Babe Sheckler in my First Time Caller! The true mark of a top tier haggler is not his ability to wheel, but also deal, and Babe shifts from AC to DC on Swap Shop to unload some well-loved household items.