We present to our faithful readership a peek at the best and worst of the tracks that didn’t make the cut for this year’s album. Keep in mind, I say “best and worst” without any real commitment. I’m not saying which one is the best, and I’m not saying which one is the worst. I’m not going to clarify whether I actually meant worst and worst. How do you make a wink-face in html code? Or is it php? Ah, fuck it. Here are the cut tracks from this year’s Christmas Album.

1. Merry Fartmas – Kris Haig-Brown

You might remember this chap from our failed Fun Time Records launch last year. Things were all going smoothly around the release of his debut album Stuttgart State of Mind, until the Jewish Defence League started lobbying for the abolition of Fun Time Records and the exclusion of all current and future releases from our exclusive deal with the Opa-Locka Best Buy. We really should have read his liner notes before we sent them off to the presses. Who knew a song like “Hatdaddy Stole My Women” could have such hateful overtones?

KHB decided to take things a little less seriously for his big comeback, and thus was born the holiday romp “Merry Fartmas”. This track really showcases Kris Haig-Brown’s talent as a one-man band. He told me he recorded the whole thing in just one take with three microphones. One for vocals, one for guitar, and one for… oh, god. That’s gross. CUT IT!

2. Do You Hear What I Hear? – The BabeBeaner Experience

If you’re a Fun Time Fanboy (or our only confirmed Fun Time Fangirl – I’m looking at you, Mrs. Swidersky!), you might recognize these voices from our long-running webradio show Shut Up and Listen: Nights. The Babester is known for his hagglin’ but who knew he could croon?  On this track, he’s joined by our resident soprano Eric Bobeaner, long-time producer of SUAL: Nights and one-time rapist. It looked like this holiday banger had secured its spot on the track-listing, until I got a letter from the legal department at Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines.  It read as follows:

Dear Mr. Zorgel,

We understand that you and one Mr. Eric Bobeaner are engaged in a recording project. Please be advised that the RCC Lines have an exclusive life-spanning performance contract with Eric Bobeaner that he signed last year in exchange for some pineapple and ham.

Please cease and desist any and all creative interactions with Bobeaner, and if you see him, please tell him that they really need that Pocahontas costume back.

Faithfully yours,

Roderick Greene
Entertainment Lawyer
On behalf of the Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines

Rather than accept this fate, and have this gem dwell in obscurity, I thought I’d push the limits and host the track here. Roderick Greene, if you’re reading this, I won’t take it down unless you make me a healthy offering of pineapple and ham. The always entrepreneurial Babe Sheckler didn’t let this setback stunt his quest for fame. He managed to submit a few audio clips that did make the final cut of the album.

And that’s that, folkies. Another year, another hour of Christmas drivel crunched out into the world.

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Download the 2009 Christmas Album – Naughty/Nice: A Christmas Mixtape by Aaron Zorgel & Friends.

The most recent SMTP sonnet must have tickled him raw. And with a Dutch lottery jackpot being dangled, it’s not hard to see why. Perhaps deeming email communication too impersonal, Babe broke out the calling card and dialed up one “Felix Henk” to root out the deal. What follows is his wiretapped copy of the conversation. (He records everything; guy is like Nixon. Someday they’re gonna get leaked, and there’s gonna be a whole lot of him trashing a guy who sold him a broken Barcalounger.) Listen up!

That was nothing if not informative – who knew the Netherlands was the Land of Chips? Rouse the kids, play it again for them, and tell them they’ll never need geography class again.

Here’s the original email from Henk and company. How could one not be swayed by all those asterisks? Or the Batch No.? Today, Felix, you’ve taught a man to phish.

Subject: Email winner
From: “2009 LOTTO NL”
Date: Wed, April 22, 2009 9:25 am
To: undisclosed-recipients:;

AWARD WINNING NOTICE
Ref No.17/324/113
Batch No.448/1803734
Ticket/Series No.RJ975489
Amount Won: $2,500,000.00 USD

Attn: Email Bearer,

This is to formally inform and congratulate you on the result of the online cyber lotto which was conducted from an exclusive list of 1,000.000 email addresses of individual and corporate bodies selected by an advanced automated random computer ballot system from the internet.

Your e-mail address emerged as a winner in the category “A” with the following information enclosed.

You are therefore to receive a cash prize of $2,500,000.00. (Two Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars).

To file in for the processing of your prize winnings, you are advised to contact our Certified and Accredited claims agent for category “A” winners with the information below:
*************************************
Name: Felix Henk
Email:felixhenk@aol.nl
Phone:+31 614 902 159
Fax: +31 847 375 060
*************************************
You are advice to provide him with the following information and a copy of your international passport or driver’s license via email attachment or by fax for vetting process which is a standard practice just to ensure that we are dealing with the right individual.

Names:
Telephone/Fax number:
Nationality:
Age:
Occupation:
Winning Email:

NOTE: Ensure to quote your Reference Numbers in all your communication with your claims agent. All winnings must be claimed not later than seven working days, thereafter unclaimed funds would be included in the next stake.

Sincerely Yours,
Mrs. Yvonne Zwanette
Lottery Coordinator.
www.lotto.nl

You got your Babe Sheckler in my First Time Caller! The true mark of a top tier haggler is not his ability to wheel, but also deal, and Babe shifts from AC to DC on Swap Shop to unload some well-loved household items.

Art of the Haggle: Hot Dog Cart

Art of the Haggle: Electric Shaver

Since Babe objected to our teaser for his first instructional haggle, theorizing that it was “wrote by the inventor of the dictionary”, we decided to let him have at it for this one. And he thumbed something out he hopes you’ll enjoy.

“look you always got to think smart to get the best deal. when i saw how roger clemmens (met him in 97, alright guy) got caught with steroids i thought 1 thing: wow i bet i could put in a sweet offer on some clemmens crap. cause nobody likes him nomore. so i called a guy and they taped it enjoy”