Plank-Fu

The CIA’s top agents are being killed off by international planking assassins. The agency turns to the greatest planker of all time to get to the bottom of it. Gavin “Stiffy” Johnson, the American planking legend, makes his film debut in a martial arts spectacular unlike anything you’ve seen before. When the deadly secrets of the East and the planking skills of the West are united in an Olympic-class planker, the results are astounding: the Plank-Fu warrior! Gavin must use all his planking prowess to uncover the truth (by impersonating a corpse or by hoping nobody notices him) and defeat the bad guys (by lying motionless and hoping they trip over him). In the end it all comes down to a deadly plank-off, pitting Gavin against Lord Plankington (Eric Roberts), the man who invented the patent for planking.

The skill of planking. The kill of kung-fu. This February, will you Plank-Fu?

The Family Circus

Middle-aged middle management office drone Bill Circus (George Clooney) is having a mid-life crisis. He never became the successful cartoonist he always dreamed he’d be. He hates his kids, depicted as creepy CGI creations. They’re obnoxious. They have a lousy sense of humor. And they’re sucking the creative life out of him. When his wife Thelma (Judy Greer) announces she’s pregnant with their fourth child, Bill finally snaps. He quits his job, locks himself in the home office and draws comics. For hours on end. For days on end.

Bill Keane’s syndicated comic strip hits the big screen in the most subversive adaptation since Paul Verhoeven’s Starship Troopers. Directed by Alexander Payne (Sideways, About Schmidt, The Descendants).

Horsin’ Around

Lovelorn comedy blogger Miles Vogel (Andy Samberg) was ready to give up on the Internet dating scene… until he met Skylar (Zooey Deschanel). She’s quirky, she’s funny, she’s smart. She’s gorgeous. But when he finally meets her in person he discovers she’s also a centaur! Miles is put-off at first by the horsy smell, the accusations of bestiality, and the fact that she legally has to wear a diaper in public. But he learns not to look this gift horse in the mouth and sees her for who she truly is — a sexy woman with horse parts.

But Skylar has a dark past. She was summoned to this realm by Dougie Doyton (Patton Oswalt), an amateur ice wizard/D & D enthusiast/tech support operator, who wants to make her his queen. But Skylar dumped him, and ever since, he’s been using his ice-lightning to dispose of all her potential boyfriends. And Miles is his next target.

Boy Meets Centaur. Boy Loses Centaur. Boy Battles Evil Ice Wizard in Magical Fantasy Realm. Just your typical, average, everyday love story.

The Film Critic

Roger Siskel (Kevin James) is a schlubby TV film critic who gives glowing reviews to everything he sees. But when an artificial coconut falls on his head while dining at the Rainforest Café, he suffers brain damage that makes him give only negative reviews. His review of Fart of Dixie is particularly scathing, causing the film to flop at the box office. Its star (Adam Sandler, as himself) vows on behalf of lowbrow comedy actors everywhere to give Roger a taste of his own medicine. He makes Roger’s life as miserable as film critics have made his. If you like watching Kevin James get hit in the groin, you’ll be in hit-in-the-groin heaven!

By the end of this thinly veiled jab at critics’ contempt for Happy Madison’s output, Roger and all the other Rogers of the world learn that movies aren’t really about artistry, technical proficiency, or even coherent storylines. They’re really all about how much product placement you can cram into 90 minutes. Try the NEW Caribbean Coconut Curry Shrimp, only at the Rainforest Café: part adventure, part restaurant and wholly entertaining for the whole family. Rainforest Café.

Go to the next page

Eddie (Quaid) and his wife Catherine (once again played by Miriam Flynn) have yet again fallen on hard times. Having lost their “dirt farm” and their beloved RV, the Johnson family are now living with Clark Griswold’s daughter Audrey, who serves no purpose but to reassure viewers that they’re watching a legitimate continuation of the series, and not a bargain bin bastardization à la Home Alone 4. Dana Barron plays the role of Audrey, a role she originated in the first Vacation. But if this is a follow up to Christmas Vacation, then shouldn’t she be played by Juliette Lewis? Or, in keeping with the tradition of the series, a different actress entirely? Is a little consistency too much to ask for?

Eddie works as a test subject for the government’s “nuclear research” division. His job involves being injected with nuclear waste and performing intelligence tests against a chimpanzee.

And the chimp wins every time. ‘Cause monkeys are funny, right? And the dumb-dumbs who eat this kind of shit up can relate to Eddie’s stupidity, right? The cheap laughs in these scenes would’ve been easier to bear if they hadn’t dragged Fred Willard in to play the head scientist. It’s absolutely absurd to see a comic actor of this caliber slumming around in trash like this. It would be like if Sir Ben Kingsley starred in an Uwe Boll film.

Oh wait, that actually happened.

Eddie is fired for being stupider than the monkey. And then for some reason the monkey bites him. In the butt. There’s hardly any motivation behind the ape attack. It’s just an arbitrary contrivance to move the plot forward. And dumb-dumbs love them some butt jokes, amirite? Fearing a lawsuit, Fred Willard offers Eddie and his family an all-expenses paid vacation to the South Pacific.  That’s the kind of flimsy set-up you’d expect from a latter day “Simpsons” episode.

And just like a latter day “Simpsons”, both the story and the jokes are painfully underdeveloped, unfunny, incoherent, and bordering on desperate. After a zany scene involving shark fishing and some of the most unconvincing green screen photography I’ve ever seen, the Johnson family is marooned on a desert island, where Gilligan-esque antics ensue. Eddie must prove himself a man by building a bamboo shelter, which collapses immediately after completion, and killing a vicious wild boar, which is obviously a gentle and disoriented farm pig. And then a plane arrives and rescues them, which pretty much renders all Eddie’s manly accomplishments pointless. There is an attempt in the third act to make Eddie look the hero by having him safely land the plane after the pilot is incapacitated. But this is a hollow victory since Eddie was the one who injured the pilot in the first place.

Christmas Vacation 2 has a surprisingly ambitious premise for a low budget telefilm. It reunites many past Vacation cast members – including Eric Idle, who reprises his role as the perpetually abused British tourist from European Vacation. And unlike the diabolical debacle of Home Alone 4, this movie actually looks like a movie. A cheap movie, yes, but one intended for theatrical release. It never feels like a claustrophobic studio-bound film. Many of the scenes on the desert island are actually shot outdoors, providing some sense of authenticity.

It’s the seemingly unending barrage of relentlessly unfunny gags that sabotage this production. Eddie spouts such bon mots as, “Haven’t walked this much since m’last trip to Wal-Mart” and “I hope they got a pooper on this thing ‘cause that fried eel’s headin’ due south!” Snots, Eddie’s frequently farting dog from Christmas Vacation, is back. While his flatulence problem was previously a minor gag, this time it’s the most overly used recurring joke in the whole movie.

Unless you count the whole “Eddie is borderline retarded” bit as a recurring joke.

Go to the next page

Which brings us to Home Alone 4 AKA Home Alone: Taking Back the House AKA the most egregious holiday film since Santa Baby (which gets such a low rating because Santa is not in fact a baby). Five years after the franchise had seemingly exhausted all vestiges of creativity and plausibility with the in-name-only sequel Home Alone 3 (1997), a film that included more fart sound effects in non-fart moments than any film I’ve ever seen, they decided to give the series one more chance, this time as a TV movie from the director of K-9 (1989) and Beethoven’s 2^nd (1993). And believe me, this movie is one for the dogs. The only conceivable reason for filming Home Alone 4 is to make a liar of everyone who said Home Alone 3 was the worst in the series.

It becomes painfully obvious within the first ten seconds of this film that the viewer is in for a supremely sub par experience: the familiar Home Alone logo, now rendered as shoddy CGI, whizzes past the screen in what looks like the opening titles for a cheaply produced PlayStation 1 game. This is accompanied by a generic sounding score by Teddy Castellucci. The producers could no longer afford John Williams (whose  “Somewhere in My Memory” from the first film is a moving musical masterpiece) so they had to settle for the guy who did the music for White Chicks (2004), Wild Hogs (2007) and Rob Schneider’s filmography.

Every time this movie plays, an angel slits its wrists.

Kevin McCallister, now played by Michael Weinberg, returns to the series, having not aged a day in ten years. In fact he’s a full year younger. Kevin himself even states that he’s 9 years old, while in Home Alone 2 he’s 10. And this movie can’t be a so-called “interquel” between Home Alone 1 and 2 because it’s explicitly set in the early 2000s. Maybe if this was a remake, reboot, or re-imagining I could accept that kind of blatant disregard for continuity, but the events of the first two movies are acknowledged on multiple occasions. It’s as if no one involved in the production had ever seen Home Alone, let alone heard of it.

Kevin’s parents are now divorced and his dad is living with his wealthy girlfriend Natalie. After being bullied by his siblings in one of the most unconvincing bullying montages I’ve ever seen, Kevin decides to pack up and move in with his dad and his new mistress. Really, Kev, you run away from home because your brother tosses your laundry around? This is where the movie shifts gears from low-rent Home Alone clone to low-rent Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994) clone. Natalie lives in a “smart house” that does “whatever you tell it to”. Translation: If you wanna open a door, you gotta speak into a remote controlled device and say, “door open.” If you wanna close said door, you gotta say “door close.” If you wanna perform any basic household operation that one could normally perform all by oneself without thinking, you need the remote.

This is unquestionably the most frustratingly flawed home system I’ve ever seen in my life. You can’t go anywhere in the house without a remote. Why does it have to be voice activated-only? Why no buttons? If you say, “door open”, how would it know which door to open? If you’re in a locked room in this vast house without a remote, you’re probably going to die of starvation. Yet everyone in this doomed movie views this voice-activated hell house as the best thing they’ve ever seen. Who in their right mind would choose to live like that?! I’m thinking the screenwriters originally wanted Natalie to live in a haunted house, but the producers demanded something more “plausible”. And cheaper.

By the end of the movie, the remote becomes so powerful it renders Kevin a Zack Morris-esque demi-god.

Natalie seems thrilled to have Kevin around. After all, the Royal Family – not of England but from a country where everybody speaks with an upper class English accent – is staying over for Christmas, and with Kevin around there’ll be someone around to play with the Crown Prince —

Wait, what the fudge?? The Royal Family is… what? I take back what I said about Home Alone 3 exhausting all vestiges of creativity and plausibility from the franchise.

Go to the next page

RoboCop

Predator

Go to the next page

Merman Cop

Hothead homicide detective Rick Slade (Paul Rudd) is demoted to the Marine Unit and paired up with a rookie partner who’s a fish out of water – literally! Buddy Aquarius (Zach Galifianakis) is the first Merman to ever serve the Miami police force. His splashy personality, utter incompetence, and nauseating stench are enough to make Rick want to send Buddy to sleep with the fishes. But when Buddy’s father, Neptune the King of Atlantis (Gary Busey), is murdered, our two heroes dive into action. They’ll teach criminals everywhere that justice is a dish best served wet!

Conjoined Candidates

Siamese twins Dwayne and Blayne Hatfield (Will Ferrell in dual roles) run for President of the United States… against each other! When the vote results come in 50/50 for both candidates, Dwayne and Blayne are forced to share the Oval Office. In the end they must put aside their political differences to bring America closer together. You’ll be doubling over with laughter with this double-dose of hilarity!

M. Night Shyamalan’s Field of Dreams

From the visionary (and highly predictable) mind of M. Night Shyamalan comes a bold new interpretation of the 1989 Kevin Costner classic. Nicolas Cage stars as Ray Kinsella, an Iowa farmer haunted by voices telling him to build a baseball diamond in his cornfield so that the Ghosts of Baseball Past can play Ghost Baseball. In Iowa. For some reason.

FAKE SPOILER ALERT: Ray is really a ghost. It’s actually his wife Eva Mendes (Ghost Rider, My Brother the Pig) who sees dead people. And she’s hiding their bodies in the cornfield.

So I Married a Sex Offender

Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy, The Awful Truth) thought she found the man of her dreams (Jack Black). But the dream turns into a nightmare (which is still technically a dream) when she discovers her husband’s kooky hobbies. FAKE SPOILER ALERT: Yes, there are furries in this film! From the manic mind of John Waters (Serial Mom, Pink Flamingos).

Young Hitler

From Razzie Award-winning director Uwe Boll and the producers of the Twilight Saga comes the romantic story of Adolf Hitler’s rise to power. Taylor Lautner (Twilight, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D) gives an inspired performance as the hunky Hitler, a young struggling artist whose career is going nowhere. What Adolf needs is a muse, and she appears in the form of the beautiful (and Jewish) Rivka, played by Amanda Seyfried (Mamma Mia!, Chloe), the woman who would break his heart and shape the fate of Europe forever.

Go to the next page

Cho Cho, the bereaved dog, is voiced by Chevy Chase, who you’d think by now would’ve learned the folly of playing a talking dog (See Oh Heavenly Dog). But by this point in his career, he was probably desperate enough to do any movie in exchange for a cold sandwich and a hot shower. This is Chase’s first leading role since Vegas Vacation, which was only marginally better than Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure.

Japanese-American actor Pat Morita, best known as Mr. Miyagi from the original Karate Kid, makes a brief appearance as Cho Cho’s master, Chin Li. Morita was cast for the sole purpose of tricking gullible viewers into believing that this cinematic dog turd might be a Karate Kid spin-off. Hey, it worked for The Next Karate Kid. And Hillary Swank is somewhat doglike in appearance so maybe it’s not such a stretch. The Chin Li character is clearly Chinese as evidenced by the fact that he lives in Chinatown, receives letters from his brother written in Chinese characters, and that he reminisces about growing up in China, despite being played by a Japanese-American. It’s just another example of American filmmakers’ ignorance of Southeast Asian diversity. The style of martial arts used in this film is Chinese kung fu, not Japanese karate. They really should’ve called it The Kung Fu Dog, not The Karate Dog. This movie’s so bad they couldn’t even get the title right. And don’t you get me started on the new Karate Kid remake!

Chin Li’s death scene looks like deleted footage from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

I know what you’re thinking: It can’t get any more awesome than that. And you’re right. It only gets more disturbing yet mundanely surreal. There’s the typical tension and bro-like bonding between the young detective and the talking dog that you’d expect in every talking animal film. The human detective is straight-laced and awkward with the ladies whilst the dog is a smart aleck tail-chaser. (This is starting to sound uncomfortably like “Two and a Half Men.”)  There’s the scene where the detective tries to prove to his superiors that the dog can talk but the pooch pulls a Michigan J. Frog and plays mute. And there’s the scene reminiscent of Hot to Trot (link to review) where the dog invites a bunch of “party animals” to a wild soiree at the detective’s house, unbeknownst to said detective.

I can’t believe they snuck an obvious drug reference into a children’s movie. But then again, this whole movie feels like a 90-minute drug reference ‘cause nobody in their right frame of mind could’ve made a movie this eclectically bad!

The detective who plays the Turner to Chevy Chase’s Hooch is portrayed by ex-gay porn star Simon Rex. I’m not making this up. Look him up on IMDb or Wikipedia. The acting in this particular scene is what tipped me off:

I’m pretty sure the screenwriters stole this scene from “Poochinsky,” the failed TV pilot about a murdered cop who’s reincarnated as a talking dog.

It’s hard enough for porn stars (pun definitely intended) to make it into mainstream cinema – most end up in schlocky sci-fi/horror T & A fests (Jenna Jameson, Zombie Strippers!) and those that do make it end up playing parodies of themselves or appearing simply for the sake of novelty (Ron Jeremy). But Simon Rex not only broke into the mainstream but into something as wholesome as a children’s movie – in a lead role no less. That’s unprecedented. But then again, judging by the quality of this film, it’s likely they only hired Rex because Jimmy Fallon was unavailable.

Yet the worst acting in this film doesn’t come from an ex-gay porn star. Nor does it come from My Name is Earl alum Jamie Pressly, who’s even less convincing as an FBI agent than Denise Richards as a rocket scientist in The World is Not Enough. It comes from the Oscar-winning Jon Voight, whose turn as the villainous Hamilton Cage is charged with more manic insanity than Christopher Walken and Nicolas Cage combined! His character is even named Cage. And he sports a distractingly bad Southern accent, ugly ponytail, and even uglier faux-snake skin Asian-inspired attire, and is prone to lengthy bouts of maniacal laughter – all hallmarks of a wacky Nic Cage performance.

The fictional Cage, a biotech billionaire, secretly injects his racing greyhounds with Lot 99, a lethal experimental performance enhancer, in order to make millions at the track. This plan blatantly rips off the plot of the James Bond film A View to a Kill, which coincidentally starred Christopher Walken as the villain. Chin Li tries to stop him and is murdered. Cage starts injecting himself with the suspect serum, which gives him super speed, super strength and super insanity.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, Cage starts holding press conferences just to show off his ability to do rad backflips.

Truth be told, if I could do backflips like that I’d be holding press conferences too.

This clusterfuck of a film culminates in an epic kung fu duel pitting Cage against Cho Cho. I lack the ability to articulate just how noodle-scratchingly nuts this sequence is. Heck, most languages lack the vocabulary to describe its lunacy. So here’s a sampling:

First of all, it’s obvious why Nicolas Cage turned down the role: If he were allowed to convey that level of lunacy, the fiery intensity of his performance would surely have caused the Earth to explode!

Secondly: Jon Voight breakdances?! I think we all need an animated GIF of that:

You’re welcome, Internet.

Thirdly, Cho Cho would’ve been able to identify his master’s killer instantly because dogs have an amazingly acute sense of smell. And don’t give me that “It’s a kids’ movie” bullshit, it’s a factoid even young children know. Lazy, lazy writing.

Fortunately that oversight is immediately remedied by what is possibly one of the best bad moments in cinematic history:

I don’t know whether to laugh, to cry, or to cry laughing.

But the real cherry on top of this surreal shit sundae of a movie is the final scene, which involves a dog singing a love song to a cat. The more I think about it, the more my brain hurts.

The image of that sad-eyed Dalmatian playing the cello haunts my nightmares. It’s so horrific and cruel, like something out of David Lynch or Alejandro Jodorowsky.

Bob Clark directed this dogpile. He used to actually direct great movies, like the original Black Christmas and A Christmas Story. Even many of his lesser efforts, like Porky’s, were competent pieces of filmmaking. But by the end of his career he was directing dreck like Baby Geniuses and SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, which also starred Jon Voight as an over-the-top villain. What the heck happened to Clark and Voight? Maybe they made some sort of Faustian deal in which they’d have success and critical acclaim early on in their careers in exchange for decades of forced participation in humiliatingly bad films.

You’d think that after over 70 years of talking pictures they’d make at least one talking dog movie that doesn’t suck. Maybe I’m expecting too much from a genre dominated by bad animal puns and scatological humor. But I don’t think so. If Babe could elevate the talking pig movie genre above the mediocre level of Gordy, then surely similar lofty heights are possible for talking dogs. After all, both pigs and dogs are known for their intelligence, not just rolling in their own feces.

My Score

1 Pissing Pooch out of 5

All the problems with this movie could’ve been solved by not making this movie.

The Magic Serpent

The film begins as a band of ninjas attack the fortress of the peaceful Lord Ogata. A confused Ogata seeks out General Yukidaijo, his second-in-command, to explain the situation. What follows is the greatest dialogue in the history of screenwriting. Ever:

OGATA
What’s happening, Yukidaijo?

YUKIDAIJO
My lord, you are betrayed by one of your own men… And only I can tell you what his name is.
(dramatic pause)
It’s I – YUKIDAIJO!!!!
(stabs Ogata with sword, laughs maniacally)

David Mamet, eat your heart out!

Yukidaijo then orders his ninja wizard second-in-command, Orochimaru (who just finished murdering Ogata’s wife), to seek out and kill Ogata’s young son, Prince Ikazuchi-Maru. In most movies you’d expect this murder mission to involve one or perhaps many ninjas, a whole lot of crazy ninja acrobatics, and maybe a ninja star or two, with the prince making an eventual safe escape.

But oh no! Instead of sending out a band of inept ninjas, Orochimaru uses his ninja magic to summon a MOTHERFUCKING SEA SERPENT DRAGON! That would be like if the Power Rangers, instead of waiting for the monster-of-the-week to become gigantic in order to defeat it with the MegaZord, just used the MegaZord from the get-go to easily crush it while it was still human-sized! In other words, Orochimaru isn’t your typical hapless movie villain. This fucker doesn’t fuck around.

But just seconds before the dragon can kill the young prince, Lord Ogata’s personal ninja wizard, Dojin Hiki, (who vowed to look after young Ikazuki-Maru) summons a giant Rodan-like eagle to scoop up the boy and fly him to safety! The giant eagle slashes the dragon with its talons, resulting in a Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky-level fountain of blood! And that’s only the first four minutes of the film!

The Magic Serpent – Great Film? Or Greatest?

Ikazuchi-Maru grows up to be an exceptional ninja wizard. We know this because Dojin Hiki explicitly states it: “In ten years I taught you all I know. Now there is nothing left to teach you.” I guess that means the old man’s going to be killed off since he serves no further purpose to the story. Hiki, the master of ninja magic and plot exposition further informs his student (and the audience), “You will do good things. Not like my first student…” It’s blatantly obvious that George Lucas watched this movie.

While prancing through the forest, Ikazuchi-Maru is attacked by a band of ninjas. But they’re no match for him, even after one of the ninjas decapitates him with a boomerang sword! After defeating all the ninjas, Ikazuchi-Maru’s dismembered head floats back to his body all thanks to ninja magic and some of the worst special effects I’ve ever seen.

Since our hero can’t be killed there’s really no point in putting any further emotional investment into this film.

Meanwhile at Master Hiki’s hovel, a magic snake (or rather a Magic Serpent) makes a failed attempt on the old man’s life. The snake turns into Orochimaru, who also happens to be Hiki’s former student. Which is a surprise to no one.

Hiki comments on the scar on Orochimaru’s forehead, which he got while fighting a giant eagle! Woah, woah, woah! So that means that Orochimaru was the dragon that tried to kill Ikazuchi-Maru! He’s like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty combined with Dark Heart from Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation.

Thankfully he doesn’t shout, “ I care!” at the end of the film and turn into a real boy.

Evil former student and wise old master engage in a lackluster duel. Despite being a master ninja wizard, Dojin Hiki is no match for Orochimaru. The evil ninja wizard easily kills his former master by throwing a poisonous asp at him. So decapitation won’t kill a ninja wizard, but a measly little snakebite will? Is a little consistency too much to ask?

Ikazuchi-Maru returns to find his master dying, and like a certain character in a certain film that would later be made by a certain George Lucas, sets out to avenge the deaths of his master and his parents.

The rest of the movie is fairly typical of low budget wire-assisted ninja film: ninjas flying through the air and fighting each other, various Jedi-like powers on display, and did I mention really bad special effects?

I will never get tired of watching this clip!

As you probably expected, the film’s climax involves Ikazuchi-Maru in a duel-to-the-death against Orochimaru. But it’s carried out in the most unexpectedly awesome fashion: Ikazuchi-Maru uses his ninja magic to transform into a giant horned frog! And Orochimaru transforms back into the giant sea serpent dragon! The two foes battle it out Godzilla-style, totally demolishing a city. I’d been waiting my entire life to see that scene!

Surprisingly enough, the giant frog breathes fire. The dragon “breathes” water. I’m not kiddin’, kiddies – a water-breathing dragon! I guess they wanted to reinforce the fact that these two mortal enemies are polar opposites. But seriously, guys, a water-breathing dragon?! What’s the worst he can do, make the frog wet? Frogs are amphibious for frak’s sake! Why don’t you just attack him with oxygen while you’re at it?

Ninja wizards who can fly, survive decapitation, and turn into various forms of reptiles: that I can believe. But a water-breathing dragon? Now you’re just being unrealistic!

Despite the immense lameness of his “special attack,” Orochimaru’s dragon still manages to pound the crap out of Ikazuchi-Maru’s frog. But fortunately Ikazuchi-Maru’s girlfriend shows up with a “magic spider hairpin” and more or less yells out “Giant Flying Spider, I CHOOSE YOU!” Now the film has turned into “Pokémon”. Awesome!

By the way, that’s web that the spider is shooting at the dragon. But of course you knew that, right? Riiiight?

And that’s really just the tip of this insanity iceberg of a movie.

While this genre mishmash may be a mixed bag, with its clichéd revenge plot and poorly choreographed swordplay, it has more than enough audacity and lo-fi charm to win over the most cynical viewer. Sure, the monster suits and effects are nowhere near as good as those found in the Godzilla films. But, they’re still vastly superior to those of the Gamera series. Although that might not be saying much. For sheer ridiculousness alone, this one comes highly recommended.

After finally achieving dream of seeing ninja wizards battle giant dragons, I gotta level with you folks: I feel kinda hollow. My dream finally came true, now what? It’s not like fictional dragon-battling ninja wizards are gonna put food on the table. Maybe I should reconsider my life goals. Does anyone know if Best Buy is still hiring? I hear their Geek Squad has an employee ninja wizard training program…

My Score

3 ½ Water-Breathing Dragons out of 5

But I’m not one to dive headfirst into the unknown; after all, I’m a lousy swimmer. In order to make an informed decision I rented a number of films on the subject – Kitten in a Cage, Women in Cages, Caged Heat, Chained Heat, Caged Heat II: Stripped of Freedom, Chained Heat 2001: Slave Lovers, Caged Heat 3000 – let’s just say I did a LOT of research. From my extensive viewing, I learned the following about women’s prisons:

• All women in prison are SUPER HOT!

• All women in prison spend much of their time topless.

• Women in prison make out with each other ALL THE TIME. I can only assume this is because they’re so desperate for a man. And fortunately I just so happen to be a man.

• Women in prison are very good in a fight. Awesome! No more need to fight my own fights anymore!

• The heroine in every women’s prison film is BY FAR the hottest chick in the whole prison. And she’s imprisoned for crimes she didn’t commit. Therefore, the hotter the female convict, the more innocent she is. Which is great ‘cause my parents want me to marry a nice Christian girl.

Armed with this newfound knowledge, I scoured the Interwebs for female prison pen pal sites. Due to fear of litigation I am not revealing the names of these sites and am obscuring the faces of the prisoners. Let’s take a lookyloo at some of the online offerings:

“My name’s Peaches, but you can call me Cinnamon Delight.”

My Thoughts: Are either of those names your real name?

“This is my third and definitely last time in prison.”

My thoughts: Where have I heard that phrase before? Oh yeah, it was on the “Trailer Park Boys,” a show about career criminals constantly being sent to jail.

“Looks ain’t shit to me.”

My thoughts: Neither is grammar evidently.

“I’m out soon and just need a place to relocate once I’m out. I will cook, I will clean, I will satisfy in every way.  Nothing is out of the question: Pictures, videos. ANYTHING YOU WANT!!”

My Thoughts: Maybe you should be posting this on craigslist.org

“A lady on the street, a freak in the sheets.”

My thoughts: I’m not gonna touch this one.

After hours of ogling, I narrowed it down to 3 curvaceous convicts:

Imprisoned Bachelorette #1: Esta

AGE: 24
HEIGHT: 5-4
WEIGHT: 136
HAIR COLOR: Blonde
EYE COLOR: Blue
SEXUALITY: Straight
MARITAL STATUS: Never Married
CHILDREN: None
CONVICTED OF: Embezzlement
CURRENT RELEASE DATE: 5/04/2011

“Grab your oven mitts guys cuz this lady is hot!!! Lovely lonely locked up lady is ready for a new beginning. I am looking for an older man who is confident, charming, and financially secure. You’ve had the resta, now enjoy the besta, with Esta! If you’re the one, you’ll pass the testa!”

My Thoughts: Guilty of embezzlement and poor rhyming structure.

Imprisoned Bachelorette #2: Dena

AGE: 22
HEIGHT: 5-7
WEIGHT: 134
HAIR COLOR: Brown
EYE COLOR: Brown
SEXUALITY: Straight
MARITAL STATUS: Never Married
CHILDREN: None
CONVICTED OF: Mail Fraud
CURRENT RELEASE DATE: 12/01/2010

“Tall, slim, athletic. Completely honest and caring, very lonely. Seeking romance. I’m a certified Braille transcriber and I love giving blind students the textbooks they desperately need. I’m an honor inmate and live in honor housing here. The best living conditions here in the institution. I’m a member of the varsity volleyball team here. Patiently waiting to hear from you.”

My Thoughts: Her prison has a varsity volleyball team?! That wasn’t in any of the movies I saw! And she works with the blind! She’s in prison and she’s still a better person than most of the people I know. This girl is actually too good for me!

Go to the next page

It is drawing near to the second anniversary of my glorious dictatorship of your pathetic planet! It’s a time of great reflection – by which I’m not referring to the GREAT REFLECTION I see in the mirror – of MYSELF! C’mon, people, that was a joke! Just because I robbed you of all your freedoms and made you my slaves doesn’t mean I robbed you of a sense of humor… excluding those of you I lobotomized. So c’mon, laugh a little. THAT WASN’T A SUGGESTION!

What gives, people? I take over your planet, I make you all my slaves, I make your hottest daughters my concubines, and I’m still not good enough for you! I live in a giant fortress – on a mountain – that’s hovering two hundred feet above a lake of lava – that’s populated by Fire Sharks! Doesn’t that impress any of you? What do you live in, a crammed concrete cell in the residential prison zone? Oh yeah, that’s real impressive – NOT! Where do you get off being so conceited?

So either I’ve completely crushed your spirits to the point that you’ve forsaken all emotion and all will to live… or you’ve hatched up some new scheme to get on my nerves! Just for that I’m PUNISHING YOU ALL with this new and arbitrary set of rules to live by, which I’ve just made up now off the top of my head!

Behold, Dr. Monster’s Ten Demandments:

1. GROVEL LIKE YOU MEAN IT
So much of your groveling is weak and uninspired. Now I know most of that is due to dehydration and malnutrition, but that doesn’t mean you can’t inject a little razzmatazz into your groveling routines. You folks just don’t realize importance of good groveling. It goes a long way in making me feel appreciated.

Speaking of feeling appreciated I’d just like to comment on my lavish birthday celebration last week. Frankly, it was lacking. Not nearly enough pyrotechnics, dancing robots, strippers, or dancing robot strippers. And the much-ballyhoo’d Bear vs. Shark cage match? Not as awesome as I’d hoped. I wanted a Grizzly bear, not a mangy old Russian circus bear. And I wanted a Great White Shark, not a Basking Shark. They eat krill. They don’t even have teeth! I would’ve settled for a Fire Shark. Worst. Birthday. Ever.

2. GIVE ME COMPLIMENTS, EVEN IF YOU DON’T MEAN IT
Remember that time I forced everyone to build me a giant planet-crushing space laser? I blew up the moon with that laser, just because I could. It was awesome! But obviously not awesome enough for any of you to give me a congratulatory high-five, thumbs up, or thank you card. Not even a “Hey man, thanks for blowing up the moon and all! You’re the coolest dictator ever. Here, have my 18-year old daughter!” Nothing! I have very low self-esteem and sense of self worth, so I’m really sensitive to these sorts of things.

The Moon Exploding

I’m the most powerful and most famous person on the planet, so how come I don’t have a fan club? I’m hereby ordering the creation of the Dr. Monster Fan Club. And you all have to join! And you all have to send me cards and letters telling me how awesome and magnanimous I am! Or else! It would really boost my self-esteem!

3. DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ME
Unless told to do so. Even then it might just be a total psyche-out so I’ll have an excuse to execute you. Man, I love makin’ up rules!

4. JUST REMEMBER, I’M YOUR LEADER
When you support insurgent groups like the Freedom Force Five, it makes me feel inadequate. It’s really damaging to my self-esteem.

The Freedom Force Five

5. SCREAMING AND RUNNING AWAY FROM ME IN TERROR IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR – UNLESS I ARBITRARILY DECIDE TO HAVE YOU EXECUTED FOR IT
It makes me feel like a big shot. Soiling yourself in fear is even better. Just don’t make a mess on the floor. Or else!

6. WHEN I DEMAND YOU TO SEND ME YOUR VIRGIN DAUGHTERS WHAT I REALLY MEAN IS FOR YOU TO SEND ME YOUR ATTRACTIVE DAUGHTERS
I cannot stress this enough.

7. AT DR. MONSTER’S OLYMPIC GAMES, THERE’S ONLY 1 RULE: I WIN EVERY EVENT
I don’t want a repeat of the last games. Man, it made me feel bad. The losing, that is. Not the execution of the winners. That part actually made me feel great. This rule also applies to Dr. Monster’s Academy Awards, Dr. Monster’s People’s Choice Awards, and Dr. Monster’s Little Miss Rhode Island Beauty Pageant.

8. WHERE’S MY FUCKING TIME MACHINE?
Okay, I guess this doesn’t really count as a Demandment, but I’ve been waiting for like two years now! So the scientists say time travel is impossible? Does it look like I give a gosh-darn-dang?!

How else am I supposed to live my boyhood dream of defeating the Roman Empire with an army of MECHS? It would be just like playing Civilization II on Cheat Mode! Only for real! SOOOOO AWESOME!

9. LAUGH AT MY JOKES
Laugh like your life depends on it. ‘Cause it does. My 10 PM prime time comedy/variety show is floundering in the ratings. Am I gonna have to move back to the 11:30 timeslot?

10. BE MY FRIEND
Seriously, guys, I know I can come off a bit strong. Heck, I might even come across as a bit of a bully. But being grand dictator of Earth is just so gosh darned lonely. Nobody wants to hang out with me unless I pay them to. And that just makes me feel even lonelier. If you could all just find a place in your hearts for the little dictator nobody wanted, then I know that we could…what am I saying? Be my friend or else! It’s not like you have much of a choice.

I hereby end this transmission.

I’m bored! Let’s see who’d win a fight: a Fire Shark or a Laser Bear…

Fire Shark vs. Laser Bear: Greatest Decisive Battle on Earth!

Rocky

Go to the next page