HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (1985)

What better way to rekindle the Holiday spirit than with an hour-long toy commercial? He-Man and his twin sister She-Ra join forces for one the most enjoyable and unintentionally hilarious Christmas specials I’ve ever seen.

He-Man, AKA Prince Adam, and She-Ra, AKA Princess Adora, have the most unconvincing secret identities in all of secret identitydom. No masks. No removal of eyeglasses. No change in hairstyle. Just ridiculous costumes. Even Miley Cyrus knows enough to throw on a blonde wig when she dresses as Hannah Montana. I don’t know why they even bother with secret identities when they don’t even bother to keep them secret.

Through a series of conveniently contrived plot twists (every plot twist in a Christmas special seems to be conveniently contrived) two Earth children are accidentally teleported to He-Man’s planet of Eternia. When the two kids, Alicia and Miguel, bitch about not being able to get home in time to celebrate Christmas, King Randor and Queen Marlena decide to include a Christmas celebration with the birthday festivities of Adam and Adora, which just so happens to occur on the exact same day. The fact that they would equate He-Man and She-Ra with Jesus Christ is offensive beyond belief.

Apparently this “new spirit of goodness” is an insult to the evil galactic overlord Horde Prime, who believes that Christmas will challenge his evil grip on the galaxy. This Wizard of Oz-esque baddie orders his underlings, Skeletor and She-Ra’s foe Hordak, to crush the Christmas spirit by delivering the Earth children to him. Probably for some sort of black mass blood sacrifice.

So basically Skeletor’s mission is to steal Christmas. This is starting to sound a lot like my childhood fan fiction!

Hordak strikes first, using a tractor beam to suck the kids into his suggestively shaped helicopter.

What were the toymakers thinking? Maybe I don’t want to know.

The copter flies to Etheria, where it’s shot down by the “Monstroids,” a band of giant transforming robots in unconvincing disguise. Alicia and Miguel are taken to a Monstroid prison cell to await execution. Why is it that every Holiday special portrays the worst possible things that could ever happen on Christmas?

That’s the most unconvincing disguise I’ve seen since He-Man and She-Ra.

The kids aren’t locked up for long. A couple of the Monstroids’ archenemies, the so-called “Manchines,” arrive to bust ‘em out. Who names these things? It sounds like the Mansiere, Frank Costanza’s name for a male bra.

A Manchine named Cutter cuts through the prison bars (“They don’t call me Cutter for nothin’!) while a talking go-cart named Zipper (“They don’t call him Zipper for nothin’) speeds them off to safety. I swear Zipper must be voiced by terrible comedian / “Tim & Eric” regular, James Quall! “Zzzzzzzop on! There’zzzzzzzz aaaaaaaaa Monstroid just aaaaaaround zzzzzz-corner!”

All that’s missing is for him to repeat the phrase “Spaghetti and meatballs” over and over again.

Pretty soon the kids and the Manchines are surrounded by Monstroids. But as luck, and bad screenwriting, would have it, that’s the exact moment that He-Man, She-Ra, and a whole army of Manchines decide to show up and save the day. The “Manchines” certainly don’t live up to their name. They don’t look anything like men. More like characters from the rejected “Mega Man Babies” cartoon.

Skeletor takes advantage of all this hubbub to swoop in on his flying jet ski and capture the Earth kids and their newly-adopted “Manchine puppy.” The jealous Hordak shoots lasers at the jet ski, sending it careening into the deadly snow-capped Etherian Mountains.

Now begins the best part of this—or any—Christmas special ever produced in the history of history. Skeletor forces the kids into a grim death march through the frozen wastes. The kids are freezing to death. But Skeletor doesn’t give a shit: “I said MOVE IT!” “But it’s Christmas time,” they whine. “What’s Christmas time?” Halfway through her explanation, Alicia passes out in the snow. But Skeletor shows zero concern: “There’s no Christmas spirit here! So get moving, you two!” Skeletor is my kinda cartoon villain!

Skeletor: Guilty of child abuse and extreme awesomeness.

Alicia won’t wake up no matter how hard Skeletor yells at her or shakes his fists in the air. So the bone-faced badass uses his evil magical staff to give the kids warm parkas.

Mistaking his pragmatism for generosity, Alicia says, “Thank you Mister Skeletor, you are very kind.” Insulted by this compliment, Skeletor forces them to leave their puppy behind to die a cold and painful death. Hannibal Lecter’s got nothin’ on this guy!

That’s what you get for calling Skeletor kind: He kills your puppy!

But Skeletor has a change of heart and picks the pup up out of the snow. Disgusted by his own compassion and decency, he whines, “I don’t know what’s coming over me. But whatever it is, I DON’T LIKE IT!” I know what’s coming over him; it’s the Christmas spirit! Just don’t tell Skeletor that; he’d probably murder your family and make you watch.

Then the dog starts licking Skeletor’s face! Skeletor protests, but it’s pretty obvious he secretly enjoys it.

Alicia offers to carry the dog. But Skeletor doesn’t believe in charity: “Er… We’ll go much FASTER if I carry him. Tell me more about this Christmas.”

This exchange of dialogue gives a rare glimpse into Skeletor’s damaged psyche:

MIGUEL: It’s a wonderful time of year. Everyone has lots of fun.
SKELETOR: You mean they get in fights?
MIGUEL: No! Nooo! They have fun.
SKELETOR: Fights ARE fun! I LIKE fights!

How can this scene possibly get any better? How ‘bout if they get attacked by a Snow Beast!

Skeletor makes quick work of the monster. “So much for the Snow Beast,” he cackles. The kids mistake Skeletor’s love of killing endangered animals for kindess: “Oh thank you, Mister Skeletor, you SAVED us! You really are wonderful!” And just look how Skeletor reacts to their love and support:

Skeletor’s heart grew three sizes that day

Because this scene couldn’t possibly get more awesome, Hordak and shows up and recaptures the children. Then Horde Prime shows up. Then He-Man and She-Ra show up once again to save the day. But they save nothing. Skeletor single-handedly defeats Horde Prime, the most powerful evil force in the universe, with one simple blast of his evil magical staff. Now that’s what I call badass!

He-Man, She-Ra, and Skeletor are equally dumbfounded as the kids embrace their bone-faced hero. He-Man suggests that maybe Skeletor is suffering from a serious case of the Christmas spirit: “It makes you feel… GOOD.” “I don’t like to feel good,” whines Skeletor, “I like to feel EVIL! Awwww!”

And that’s how Skeletor Stole Saved Christmas!

And finally, the cherry on top of this insanity sundae: He-Man as Santa Claus!

The most convincing disguise He-Man has ever worn

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special feels less like an episode of Masters of the Universe than a work of fan fiction. A work of AWESOME fan fiction! Skeletor’s defection to the good side must’ve P.O.’d legions of hardcore He-Man fans. There are so many baffling moments in this cartoon that I wasn’t sure if the writers were in on the joke or if they were totally out of their minds. If they were in on the joke, then this is one of the most brilliant self-reflexive parodies of Christmas specials ever produced.

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But what about all those Christmas specials that aim for classic status and fail miserably (and hilariously)? For every one heart-cockle-warming program out there, there’s at least ten to send you straight to the depths of Jingle Hell. This is your Holiday guide to the baffling, the bizarre, and the downright depressing. Get ready for a haunting visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Specials Past!

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)

Let’s just get this one out of the way, shall we? The Star Wars Holiday Special is the most painful two hours of television you will ever endure. Its reputation for sucktitude does not do it justice. Make no mistake, this is not so-bad-it’s-good. It’s beyond bad. It’s beyond unwatchable. It’s the crappy Christmas special equivalent of Videodrome: an experiment in video-based warfare designed to destroy the viewer’s mind with its sheer awfulness.

The concept sounds promising enough: All the stars of the original film reunite for a low budget TV drama that’s really just a veiled excuse to string together a series of musical numbers, celebrity cameos, and other variety show acts. The year is 1978. Star Wars exists as only one film. The rules of its fictional universe aren’t yet set in stone. The narrative possibilities are endless. Maybe the Empire would kidnap Space Santa and Luke and Han would come to the rescue and save Space X-Mas! Maybe we’d get a retelling of “A Christmas Carol” with Darth Vader as Scrooge! Instead we get Chewbacca’s bickering family and something called “Life Day.”

This grueling two-hour “special” is mostly of scenes of Chewbacca’s family fighting, squabbling, and generally making each other’s lives miserable as they wait for their patriarch to return home for the Life Day feast. The first ten minutes consist almost exclusively of Wookiees running around a tree house barking, growling, grunting, and whining. With no subtitles to let us know what the heck is going on.

If you thought Jar Jar was the black eye of the series, just wait ‘till you meet Chewie’s son Lumpy.

The scenes with the original movie cast members are nothing more than glorified cameos. Mark Hamill looks like he’s wearing a cheap Luke Skywalker Halloween mask. He had just undergone plastic surgery after his face was disfigured in a car accident and they tried to hide his scars with lots of makeup. They failed miserably.

… and Lon Chaney as Luke Skywalker

Harrison Ford clearly doesn’t want anything to do with this turd. He looks absolutely pissed off.

And he has every right to be. He’s forced to utter such classic lines as “Why do I always think taking you home for Life Day is going to be easy?”, and the fan favorite “You’re like… family… to me,” which he says to the Chewbacca clan. It’s a testament to Ford’s acting ability that he was able to say that last line with a straight face.

All the special effects are recycled (poorly) from the original film. In fact Darth Vader’s cameo is made up exclusively of recycled footage with a poorly recorded voice over replacing the original sound.

Actual Dialogue: “I want the Rebels located and identified if it means searching every household in the system!”

The “Special Guests” don’t fare much better. Bea Arthur plays Ackmena, head bar wench of the famous Mos Eisley cantina. She performs a musical song and dance number to the tune of the Cantina theme from the original movie. And she dances with Greedo!

Greedo: slow on the draw, electric on the dance floor

Harvey Korman suffers the indignity of three roles: a four-armed, green-skinned Julia Child parody obsessed with stirring things, a faulty cyborg who seems like he’s from a “Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!” sketch gone horribly wrong, and a Cantina patron who hits on Bea Arthur and drinks through a blowhole in the top of his head.

You hear that Harv? That’s the sound of your last ounce of dignity pouring away

Art Carney (of “The Honeymooners” fame) plays Saundan, a local trader who provides Chewie’s dad Itchy with virtual reality porn featuring ‘70s songstress Diahann Carroll. Porn – that’s really the only way to describe it. Here’s some sample dialogue:

DIAHANN CARROLL:  My voice is for you alone. I exist for you. I am in your mind as you create me. OH YES! I can feel my creation! I am getting your message. Are you getting mine?

CUT TO: Itchy moaning and twitching.

DIAHANN CARROLL: Oooooh! We are excited, aren’t we?… Nooooow, we can have a good time, can’t we?…I am your fantasy. I am your experience. Experience me! I am your pleasure. Enjoy me!

This is beyond suggestive. This is blatant.

And Jefferson Starship? I’m pretty sure they’re only here ‘cause their name contains the word “starship.”

Maybe they changed their name to get the gig.

The grand finale of this special somehow manages to top everything else that’s come before it for sheer sucktitude. A heavily drugged Princess Leia gives the Wookiees of the planet “Kazook” (?) an impassioned speech about “freedom and harmony,” “the Tree of Life” and other New Age-y Hippie-dippy nonsense. And then she breaks out into off-key singing! To the tune of the Star Wars main theme!

The other original cast members stare in utter disbelief and reconsider the future of their careers.

The only remotely watchable part of this space travesty is a 10-minute animated short, “The Faithful Wookiee,” which is notable for the first ever appearance of Boba Fett, (pre-dating his Empire Strikes Back appearance by two years). This segment is so much better than the rest of the program that it boggles my mind they didn’t do the whole special as an animated feature.

The Star Wars Holiday Special was so poorly received that it only aired once. George Lucas, who had little involvement due to his commitment to pre-production on Empire Strikes Back, reportedly hated the finished product so much that he prevented it from ever being released on home video. But bootlegged copies have proliferated at conventions and on the ‘Net for years. Why? I have absolutely no clue.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is the Pandora’s Box of ironic entertainment. Forget “do not open ‘till X-Mas.” Do not open EVER! It’ll fill your stockings with Christmas jeer.

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It’s basically Blade Runner with Barney. And Whoopi Goldberg. And fart jokes. Lots and lots of fart jokes. Even after two viewings it still blows my mind that a mainstream film this bizarre actually exists.

Did I mention the fart jokes?

My first encounter with Theodore Rex was at the local VHS rental shop when I was a wee youngin’. My first thought while analyzing the VHS box cover art: Cool, a dinosaur! And it looks just like the dinosaurs from “Dinosaurs.” I love that show!

My second thought: Whoopi Goldberg?!

Third thought: That so-called “Rex” has FOUR digits on each hand, NOT TWO. Everyone knows a Rex has only two digits per hand.

Fourth Thought: If they overlooked that detail, what the fuck else did they fuck up?

Even at the age of 9 I could smell a turkey. After all, if it was any good how come I never saw any trailers or TV ads promoting its theatrical release?

That’s ‘cause Rex never had a theatrical release. It did so poorly in test screenings that New Line Cinema decided to dump it straight-to-video. With a budget of $33.5 million, Theodore Rex was the most expensive direct-to-video release of all time.

Whoopi Goldberg only appeared in this dino dookie of a movie under threat of legal action. When she tried to back out of the project, the producers filed a $20 million lawsuit against her. The eventual settlement only cost the producers an additional $2 million to Goldberg’s salary. It only cost Goldberg her dignity.

But Whoopi got her revenge with one of the most bland and bitter performances I’ve ever seen. To say she phones it in would be an insult to telephones everywhere. In every scene she’s in, it’s painfully obvious that she does NOT want to be there.

She’s even pissed off in scenes where she’s supposed to be happy:

I’m so happy we saved the world, Teddy. No, really! That’s just how I smile.

To add insult to injury, this court-ordered appearance won Whoopi the Razzie Award for “Worst Performance by an Actress.” And I say undeservedly so. I wouldn’t classify what she does on-screen as a ‘performance.’ That would imply she was actually performing. She spends all her screen time sulking.

The narrative of Theodore Rex is a textbook example of a screenwriter trying to cram too many ideas, too many genres and too many subplots into a single script. The result is a film in which everything is painfully underdeveloped.

The film begins with this line of text: “Once Upon a Time in the Future…”

This sets the perfect tone for a story this bizarre, conveying a sense of both fantasy and science fiction. The invocation of “Once Upon a Time” suggests that this tale takes place in an unknown, undefined future that may never actually happen.

But then they immediately fuck it all up with this opening crawl:

I thought “Once Upon a Time” means it takes place in an unspecified time. Now it takes place at a specific time – the present day. A present day in which dinosaurs once again walk the earth? Or is this an alternate present? I frankly don’t know. And after five minutes I stopped caring.

This opening crawl isn’t even necessary. It conveys information that’s revealed later on in the film. And in a more artful way I might add. (Not that anything in Theodore Rex qualifies as being artful.) If anything it spoils any sense of surprise or ambiguity that would make this movie more enjoyable. It would be like watching The Empire Strikes Back in 1980 and seeing an opening crawl like this:

We don’t need to know that Darth Vader is Luke’s father until the end of the film. And we don’t need to know that Kane is the villain until the middle of Act 2. And we sure-as-shootin’ don’t need to know about his dastardly plan before the film even starts. However, to say that this unnecessary spoiler single-handedly ruins the film would be exaggeration of the highest order.

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