Call it what you will, but you gotta call it fun.

Much in the way that white artists co-opted and legitimized hip-hop, adults are taking the child’s pastime to a whole new level. Advanced-age childbiking is gaining devotees by the hundreds and, dare I say, metamorphosing into a lifestyle. Even cultural icons like Fun Time Internet’s Geoff Webster (pictured, left) and Fun Time Internet’s myself have jumped head-first into this underground phenomenon that many are still trying to get meat-deep into. Well, lucky for you, I’ve got all the info and an article to kill.

There’s no shortage of ways you can get a bike of your own. For the big spenders of the bunch, you can waltz into the O’Toyiggan’s near you and leave with one. They’re usually in the next aisle over from the Big Wheels. This will run you somewhere close to forty or even fifty dollars.

If you’re strapped for cash, these babies are also available at the midway of any carnival, county fair or other travelling tax shelter. But you’ll either have to excel at one of their mind-bending hick feats, like shooting a ball out of a gun into a clown’s mouth, or just cut out the middle-man and pistol-whip, pistol-whip, pistol-whip.

Congratulations! You’re now the proud owner of a child motorcycle. But don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s a long and very narrow road to Eden.

The max weight these babies usually allow is around 130 pounds, which allows for even the tub-tub-tubbiest of toddlers to take a ride and not hurt themselves. Want some help to please yourself? To mod it so your child motorcycle won’t crumble to death under your nine-to-five working ass, you’ll need to throw a make-shift suspension on it. A couple of springs from an old mattress should do. Bum around the back alley of your nearest orphanage, as there’s usually a few piss-stained suckers ready to just be hauled away.

These bikes also ship with a six-amp motor. Strip that out and slam in something that breaks the century mark. Then you won’t need a downhill start to scoot away from people pointing, laughing and yelling “I wish I was him!”

(Please note that this motor replacement can cause an electrical fire underneath your bike. So either pussy out, or just do like I do and pretend it’s nitrous.)

You’re also not supposed to take these out at night – something about drivers not being able to see you past their hood. Typical self-serving cop bullshit! But to please Johnny Law, and give yourself added visibility after dark, drill through the cheap plastic windshield and install a D-cell flashlight.

I also like to strap an orthopedic ass pillow to the seat. Put that in the “optional” pile.

Always do lots of deep stretching before any kind of child motorcycle excursion. Due to the small size of the vehicle, it is very easy to tear a groin muscle just from the simple act of mounting the bike. (For alternate riding techniques, please see “Alternate Riding Techniques”)

Leathers are not part of the adult pocketbiker’s lifestyle, nor are helmets. The emphasis is on comfort. Use as many of the following articles of clothing to both aid and identify yourself to other advanced-agers.

- Zubaz pants
- Beer hat with cans of Country Time Lemonade
- Jorts
- XL “nWo” T-shirt
- Sea-blue fanny pack filled with motion sickness pills

Try as you might, you’re probably gonna still have trouble doubling yourself up on that bike if you try and rest your feet on the pedals. But there’s more than one way to skin a cat.

Hog Style – Feet out in front like a chopper. If you fall in love with Hog Style, run some rebar through the front frame and make your own footrests. Hog out!

Witchy Style – Feet go behind you, much as a witch rides a broom. Has been known to cause severe testicular rash if used for long periods of time.

Flashy Style – FOR EXPERIENCED RIDERS ONLY. Stand on the seat and control the throttle with a dog leash. Please be careful – we’ve lost too many good advanced-agers already!

The only officially-endorsed theme to pocketbiking is “The Heat Is On” by Glenn Frey. This was decided by secret ballot at the first, and to-date last, Pocketcon in 2006, narrowly edging out “I’m Not Too Old, Not Too Young” by Aaron Carter.

The song doubles as a way to truly separate the kid-biking wheat from the kid-biking chaff. If you suspect you’ve met a closeted adult pocketbiker, lean in close and whisper “Tell me, can you feel it?” If he doesn’t respond with “Ohhhhh-whoa-ho”, peel out!

I hope this has been deeply informative, and at the very least, deeply uninformative. Either way, we’ll see you at Pocketcon 2011 in San Jose, California!

Welcome readers to another exciting Gear Nutz mailbag. This is Marty Brawn once again here to answer YOUR questions. Let’s get the automotive repair ball rolling, shall we?

Tammy asks for auto repair help:

Hi Marty, my car makes a knocking sound when the engine is cold. Is this bad?

Well, you see, what you’ve got on your hands there Tammy is a twisted crankshaft. The problem lies in the alignment of your rear rotary axle restraint. It’s just too tight to allow proper lateral rotation, which has put way too much torque on your crankshaft. This has in turn caused the initial twisting. But where is that sound coming from you ask? That’s right, it’s the cold vibrations of the Chimeran static block.

I’ve said it a thousand times and I’ll say it again, untwist the crankshaft to stop the vibrations in the Chimeran static block! Some crooked wrench monkeys will tell you that the procedure to fix this problem would cost a fortune. Bah I say! As is usually the case there is a very simple solution. All you need to solve this problem is a copy of the Sunday Times and your favorite rocking chair. Sit down within sight of your vehicle and begin to read your paper. Eventually, look up from your paper and give your vehicle a disapproving stare. After what feels like an adequate amount of time (this step is entirely subjective) ruffle the newspaper and return your focus to the sports page while slowly shaking your head back and forth. Simply rinse and repeat and that twist will be gone in no time. Sometimes all it takes is a little tough love.

Hank asks for auto repair help:

Hello Marty, I recently had the “service engine soon” light come on my ‘94 Buick Century. Took it to my mechanic, and he said it was the EGR valve which he changed out for over $500. The light came on again within 24 hours and I took it back. He said he tightened the fittings, and said that the EGR computer may need to be replaced!??? Since then the “service engine light” has gone off and come back on several times. What is going on?

Hank, I don’t blame you for being confused, but I am a little baffled as to why the so-called “mechanic” you took your vehicle to was unable to diagnose such an obvious ailment. It’s clear to me that you have a ghost in the machine. Don’t be alarmed, this is a simple problem that can be fixed with only minor investment. The first thing you’re going to need to do is purchase a Neural-network Automotive Adapter/Cortical Peripheral (NAACP). If you’re having trouble finding one at your local hardware store, just search the name online. Once you’ve purchased your adapter simply plug it into your car’s cigarette lighter and jack in. Now that you’re in the system take a look around and you should be able to see the ghost. If you’re not sure what to look for, ghosts are usually represented as some sort of blindingly-bright geometric figure, such as a solid white cone or cube.

SIDE NOTE: Once you make visual contact with the ghost you should STOP AND ASSESS the situation. Ask yourself: Is this ghost an AI or simply a stray ROM module containing the saved consciousness of my deceased stepfather?

From what you’ve already told me, it’s pretty clear that you’ve got an AI on your hands, which means you’re going to have to break some pretty tough ICE to fix the problem. Now it’s just a simple matter of making sure your microsofts are in check and diving into the fight. If everything goes as planned you should be out of there in 5 hours tops and that blinking light won’t bother you any more.

SAFETY TIP: Never jack into a car’s central system while it is traveling in excess of 50km/h.

Justin asks for auto repair help:

I have a 1993 ford escort. i started the car and than 3 hours later i tryed starting it and it just turned over. my dad tryed starting it and it started sometimes and other times it didnt.what isprob?

I’m glad you asked this question, Justin, because it is one we get a lot here at Gear Nutz. As is usually the case, this is one of those simple problems that a “mechanic” will charge you an arm and a leg for even though the solution is easy to DIY. What you need to do is start your car from inside the engine. To do this you’re going to have to enter your engine. This is not as difficult as it sounds as most car manufacturers take this maintenance step into consideration when designing their vehicles. Lucky for you you’ve got an American made car, which means that you’ll find the door to your engine conveniently behind the front grill of your vehicle.

Once you’re entered your engine you should find yourself in a large room with a domed ceiling. In front of you, on a low pedestal in the room’s center should be an ignition switch. Simply place your key in the ignition and turn it just as you would to start a car from the inside of the cab. That’s it – you’re done. You see, the problem was that you were trying to start your car from outside of your engine. By starting the car from inside the engine, you are able to go to the source of the problem and essentially restart the system.

SIDE NOTE: This step is an excellent place to start when troubleshooting a vehicle. More often than not, at least in my experience, this step will solve most problems.

SAFETY TIP: Unless dared by a rival, NEVER enter an engine while it is running.

BONUS QUESTION

Jessica asks for auto repair help:

Hi Marty, my 1998 Toyota Tercel has the same problem as Justin’s escort, what should I do?

This is a great opportunity to point out one of the key differences between North American and Japanese cars. In Japanese cars, the door to the engine is not located behind the car’s front grill but is in fact found beneath the car next to the gas tank. This will make entering the engine a little more difficult but don’t give up! Before you enter I recommend bringing at least a penlight with you, as the following corridors are quite dark. Once inside, look above you. You should see a large bundle of cables and pipes lining the ceiling. This is the fuel line. Follow it. When you reach the end of the corridor you will find a large metal box labeled “High Voltage”. Keep in mind that you can’t throw the main switch by hand; you have to pump up the primer handle in order to get the charge. It is large, flat and grey. Once charged, look for the words “contact position”, beneath them is a round green button, which says, “Push to Close”. Push it.

SAFETY TIP: The loud rumble that you hear after pressing the button IS NOT the power trying to come back on.

The next step is to get out of there as quickly as you possibly can. It is a good idea to drop any unnecessary weight from your body such as any excess supplies you may have brought with you. My high school gym teacher once told me that when you look away from your goal while running, you slow yourself down. So I recommend focusing on something in the distance in front of you while you run. Whatever you do, don’t look back. Now that you’re out of the car, I want you to keep in mind that whatever you think you saw in there… you are wrong. It was worse… far worse.

Ted asks for auto repair help:

Why do I have problems starting an 87 Ford Tbird even though my wife can start it easily?

Ted I think you should stop wearing briefs and grow a pair.

George asks for auto repair help:

My car won’t start.

There is absolutely nothing you can do.

Thanks again to everyone who wrote in. Keep those questions coming. Maybe I’ll answer yours in the next Gear Nutz mailbag!

- Marty Brawn, Super Mechanic*

*Though there is no official way to earn the title, Marty is referred to as such by two of his friends.