Who would have thought the whole Christmas thing would take off like this, h’rum?

I knew it years ago, and that’s why I’ve been compiling albums of Christmas-themed music for the past 5 years. Old school hip-hop? Done it. New school hip-hop? Been there. Crunk? Of course! Scrump? Well, we’ll get there next year.

Anyway, it seems that all this Christmessin’ around (heh heh) has really paid off. My most recent Christmas album is being released by a real-life big city rec’rd label. Juicebox Recording Co. has agreed to make 808’s and Fruitcake! their second official release. That’s right, folks. I’m the first Opa-Locka resident to hit it big since Yark Lohras wrestled that zebra and made runner-up on America’s Most Infuriating Home Videyas.

But now that I’m a big shot, sippin’ cristale with Jay-Puff and Daddy-Z, I want my friends, family, and readers in the ‘Lock to know that I will never leave them high and dry.

That’s why I’m offering all three of my previous Christmas Albums for free download on funtimeinternet.com. I’m no saviour, but I could deal with being called a saint.

So scoop up these free MP3s, and then scoot on over to JUICEBOXdotcom.com to check out the tunes that make Yark Lohras look like some kind of Joey-Joe.

Aaron Zorgel & Friends vs. The Christmas Goblins (2007)
Full Album (.zip)

A Hunky Dory Christmas

1. A Two-Man-Super-Gay-30 Second-Barbershop Christmas – James Gallagher & Aaron Zorgel
2. Christmas Vacation – Aaron Zorgel
3. Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Travis Taylor
4. Hams – Lemonade Parade
5. Louder Than Bombs – First Rate People
6. Care and Feeding of your Christmas Presents – Natalia Manzocco & Aaron Zorgel
7. A Hunky Dory Christmas – The Hunky Dory Brothers
8. Hark the Herald – Mike Harloff & Aaron Zorgel
9. Gluttonous Pagan Drunken Orgy – Palmer Watt
10. Merry Christmas Everyone – Aaron Zorgel
11. Let’s Build a Snowman – Mike Siegrist
12. Mary’s Boy Child – Kim Black & Aaron Zorgel
13. Jesus Christ and Santa Ping-Pong Battle on the Moon – Lemonade Parade
14. Christ Wiaar – sinicuichi
15. Christmas in Hyrule Suite – PDF Format
16. The Smench (Too Ghoul For Yule) – Irish Coffee
17. Lights – Aaron Zorgel

Aaron Zorgel’s Non Denominational Holiday Themed Album (2006)
Full Album (.zip)

Little Drummer Boy

1. Last Christmas – Aaron Zorgel
2. Carol of the Bells – Palmer Watt
3. Walking in a Winter Wonderland – Adrian Marynissen
4. Baby It’s Cold Outside – Kim Black & Aaron Zorgel
5. Christmas with Dio – Michael Siegrest
6. The i Pod Song – Nathaniel Chadwick
7. White Christmas – Emma Acott
8. Little Drummer Boy – Kaz Tamasauskas, Km Black, Aaron Zorgel
9. Let It Snow – The Gardiner Family
10. Merry Christmas, I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight – Michael Siegrest
11. Santa Baby – Caitlin McConnel
12. Mr. Scrooge – Kim Black, Kaz Tamasauskas, Aaron Zorgel
13. Merry Little Christmas – Aaron Zorgel

The Christmas Album (2004)
Full Album (.zip)

Egg Noggles

1. Intro (We Wish You a Merry Christmas) – Aaron Zorgel
2. The Christmas voices of Walter Schumann – Nolan Witkowski, Eric Paule, Kim Black, Aaron Zorgel
3. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen – Aaron Zorgel
4. Caucasian Christmas – Doug Nayler, John Barker, Mike Siegrest, Aaron Zorgel
5. Feliz Navidad – Kim Black and Aaron Zorgel
6. Egg Noggles – Keith O’Neill and Aaron Zorgel
7. Santa Baby – Travis Taylor
8. Snake Oil Tanker – Aaron Zorgel
9. Fairy Tale of New York – Doug Nayler, Some Girl, Cath Ruttan, Mike Siegrest, Aaron Zorgel
10. Silent Night – Aaron Zorgel and John Barker

Interact with us. Upstage us. Insult our asses. We don’t give. This is an open invitation to join the family. Just try not to stare at Uncle Rene’s gimp eye. And to sweeten the pot, we’ve come up with something that basically forces you to surrender your opinions to us.

It’s thee First Ever Comments Commtest. For every comment you make that isn’t just a link to dick pills, or every comment that’s a link to coupons for dick pills, you get a chance to win a specially-mailed Fun Time Internet Fun Pack! What’ll be in it? Beats us, but if the package comes with airholes in it, open with caution.

Just remember to put in your actual email address so we can actually contact you about your bounty. None of that “a@b.com” stuff, you jokers! There isn’t even a “b.com”!

This Commtest ends on the arbitrarily decided date of February 28th, 2009. Moderating the comments will be Scott the Fun Time Intern, so try to take it easy on him. Except for here and now, in which you are encouraged to give it hard to that ho. (Pro Tip: pick on his diabetes!)

Whether you’re afraid of tinsel or just painfully alone, we feel you – it’s always good to know that someone cares. That’s why this month, we’re going to jack up your Christmas season with our own Giftoberfest, a high-octane salute to the holidays, and you. In the coming weeks, we’ll be bringing no less than three and no more than a milli gifts, ranging from the useful to the unexpected and traversing all mediums, as a thank-you for your readership. Stay tuned, and watch as we prove just why we’re the only thing stopping you from blowing your brains out!

Merry Giftoberfest!