Plank-Fu

The CIA’s top agents are being killed off by international planking assassins. The agency turns to the greatest planker of all time to get to the bottom of it. Gavin “Stiffy” Johnson, the American planking legend, makes his film debut in a martial arts spectacular unlike anything you’ve seen before. When the deadly secrets of the East and the planking skills of the West are united in an Olympic-class planker, the results are astounding: the Plank-Fu warrior! Gavin must use all his planking prowess to uncover the truth (by impersonating a corpse or by hoping nobody notices him) and defeat the bad guys (by lying motionless and hoping they trip over him). In the end it all comes down to a deadly plank-off, pitting Gavin against Lord Plankington (Eric Roberts), the man who invented the patent for planking.

The skill of planking. The kill of kung-fu. This February, will you Plank-Fu?

The Family Circus

Middle-aged middle management office drone Bill Circus (George Clooney) is having a mid-life crisis. He never became the successful cartoonist he always dreamed he’d be. He hates his kids, depicted as creepy CGI creations. They’re obnoxious. They have a lousy sense of humor. And they’re sucking the creative life out of him. When his wife Thelma (Judy Greer) announces she’s pregnant with their fourth child, Bill finally snaps. He quits his job, locks himself in the home office and draws comics. For hours on end. For days on end.

Bill Keane’s syndicated comic strip hits the big screen in the most subversive adaptation since Paul Verhoeven’s Starship Troopers. Directed by Alexander Payne (Sideways, About Schmidt, The Descendants).

Horsin’ Around

Lovelorn comedy blogger Miles Vogel (Andy Samberg) was ready to give up on the Internet dating scene… until he met Skylar (Zooey Deschanel). She’s quirky, she’s funny, she’s smart. She’s gorgeous. But when he finally meets her in person he discovers she’s also a centaur! Miles is put-off at first by the horsy smell, the accusations of bestiality, and the fact that she legally has to wear a diaper in public. But he learns not to look this gift horse in the mouth and sees her for who she truly is — a sexy woman with horse parts.

But Skylar has a dark past. She was summoned to this realm by Dougie Doyton (Patton Oswalt), an amateur ice wizard/D & D enthusiast/tech support operator, who wants to make her his queen. But Skylar dumped him, and ever since, he’s been using his ice-lightning to dispose of all her potential boyfriends. And Miles is his next target.

Boy Meets Centaur. Boy Loses Centaur. Boy Battles Evil Ice Wizard in Magical Fantasy Realm. Just your typical, average, everyday love story.

The Film Critic

Roger Siskel (Kevin James) is a schlubby TV film critic who gives glowing reviews to everything he sees. But when an artificial coconut falls on his head while dining at the Rainforest Café, he suffers brain damage that makes him give only negative reviews. His review of Fart of Dixie is particularly scathing, causing the film to flop at the box office. Its star (Adam Sandler, as himself) vows on behalf of lowbrow comedy actors everywhere to give Roger a taste of his own medicine. He makes Roger’s life as miserable as film critics have made his. If you like watching Kevin James get hit in the groin, you’ll be in hit-in-the-groin heaven!

By the end of this thinly veiled jab at critics’ contempt for Happy Madison’s output, Roger and all the other Rogers of the world learn that movies aren’t really about artistry, technical proficiency, or even coherent storylines. They’re really all about how much product placement you can cram into 90 minutes. Try the NEW Caribbean Coconut Curry Shrimp, only at the Rainforest Café: part adventure, part restaurant and wholly entertaining for the whole family. Rainforest Café.

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Eddie (Quaid) and his wife Catherine (once again played by Miriam Flynn) have yet again fallen on hard times. Having lost their “dirt farm” and their beloved RV, the Johnson family are now living with Clark Griswold’s daughter Audrey, who serves no purpose but to reassure viewers that they’re watching a legitimate continuation of the series, and not a bargain bin bastardization à la Home Alone 4. Dana Barron plays the role of Audrey, a role she originated in the first Vacation. But if this is a follow up to Christmas Vacation, then shouldn’t she be played by Juliette Lewis? Or, in keeping with the tradition of the series, a different actress entirely? Is a little consistency too much to ask for?

Eddie works as a test subject for the government’s “nuclear research” division. His job involves being injected with nuclear waste and performing intelligence tests against a chimpanzee.

And the chimp wins every time. ‘Cause monkeys are funny, right? And the dumb-dumbs who eat this kind of shit up can relate to Eddie’s stupidity, right? The cheap laughs in these scenes would’ve been easier to bear if they hadn’t dragged Fred Willard in to play the head scientist. It’s absolutely absurd to see a comic actor of this caliber slumming around in trash like this. It would be like if Sir Ben Kingsley starred in an Uwe Boll film.

Oh wait, that actually happened.

Eddie is fired for being stupider than the monkey. And then for some reason the monkey bites him. In the butt. There’s hardly any motivation behind the ape attack. It’s just an arbitrary contrivance to move the plot forward. And dumb-dumbs love them some butt jokes, amirite? Fearing a lawsuit, Fred Willard offers Eddie and his family an all-expenses paid vacation to the South Pacific.  That’s the kind of flimsy set-up you’d expect from a latter day “Simpsons” episode.

And just like a latter day “Simpsons”, both the story and the jokes are painfully underdeveloped, unfunny, incoherent, and bordering on desperate. After a zany scene involving shark fishing and some of the most unconvincing green screen photography I’ve ever seen, the Johnson family is marooned on a desert island, where Gilligan-esque antics ensue. Eddie must prove himself a man by building a bamboo shelter, which collapses immediately after completion, and killing a vicious wild boar, which is obviously a gentle and disoriented farm pig. And then a plane arrives and rescues them, which pretty much renders all Eddie’s manly accomplishments pointless. There is an attempt in the third act to make Eddie look the hero by having him safely land the plane after the pilot is incapacitated. But this is a hollow victory since Eddie was the one who injured the pilot in the first place.

Christmas Vacation 2 has a surprisingly ambitious premise for a low budget telefilm. It reunites many past Vacation cast members – including Eric Idle, who reprises his role as the perpetually abused British tourist from European Vacation. And unlike the diabolical debacle of Home Alone 4, this movie actually looks like a movie. A cheap movie, yes, but one intended for theatrical release. It never feels like a claustrophobic studio-bound film. Many of the scenes on the desert island are actually shot outdoors, providing some sense of authenticity.

It’s the seemingly unending barrage of relentlessly unfunny gags that sabotage this production. Eddie spouts such bon mots as, “Haven’t walked this much since m’last trip to Wal-Mart” and “I hope they got a pooper on this thing ‘cause that fried eel’s headin’ due south!” Snots, Eddie’s frequently farting dog from Christmas Vacation, is back. While his flatulence problem was previously a minor gag, this time it’s the most overly used recurring joke in the whole movie.

Unless you count the whole “Eddie is borderline retarded” bit as a recurring joke.

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Which brings us to Home Alone 4 AKA Home Alone: Taking Back the House AKA the most egregious holiday film since Santa Baby (which gets such a low rating because Santa is not in fact a baby). Five years after the franchise had seemingly exhausted all vestiges of creativity and plausibility with the in-name-only sequel Home Alone 3 (1997), a film that included more fart sound effects in non-fart moments than any film I’ve ever seen, they decided to give the series one more chance, this time as a TV movie from the director of K-9 (1989) and Beethoven’s 2^nd (1993). And believe me, this movie is one for the dogs. The only conceivable reason for filming Home Alone 4 is to make a liar of everyone who said Home Alone 3 was the worst in the series.

It becomes painfully obvious within the first ten seconds of this film that the viewer is in for a supremely sub par experience: the familiar Home Alone logo, now rendered as shoddy CGI, whizzes past the screen in what looks like the opening titles for a cheaply produced PlayStation 1 game. This is accompanied by a generic sounding score by Teddy Castellucci. The producers could no longer afford John Williams (whose  “Somewhere in My Memory” from the first film is a moving musical masterpiece) so they had to settle for the guy who did the music for White Chicks (2004), Wild Hogs (2007) and Rob Schneider’s filmography.

Every time this movie plays, an angel slits its wrists.

Kevin McCallister, now played by Michael Weinberg, returns to the series, having not aged a day in ten years. In fact he’s a full year younger. Kevin himself even states that he’s 9 years old, while in Home Alone 2 he’s 10. And this movie can’t be a so-called “interquel” between Home Alone 1 and 2 because it’s explicitly set in the early 2000s. Maybe if this was a remake, reboot, or re-imagining I could accept that kind of blatant disregard for continuity, but the events of the first two movies are acknowledged on multiple occasions. It’s as if no one involved in the production had ever seen Home Alone, let alone heard of it.

Kevin’s parents are now divorced and his dad is living with his wealthy girlfriend Natalie. After being bullied by his siblings in one of the most unconvincing bullying montages I’ve ever seen, Kevin decides to pack up and move in with his dad and his new mistress. Really, Kev, you run away from home because your brother tosses your laundry around? This is where the movie shifts gears from low-rent Home Alone clone to low-rent Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994) clone. Natalie lives in a “smart house” that does “whatever you tell it to”. Translation: If you wanna open a door, you gotta speak into a remote controlled device and say, “door open.” If you wanna close said door, you gotta say “door close.” If you wanna perform any basic household operation that one could normally perform all by oneself without thinking, you need the remote.

This is unquestionably the most frustratingly flawed home system I’ve ever seen in my life. You can’t go anywhere in the house without a remote. Why does it have to be voice activated-only? Why no buttons? If you say, “door open”, how would it know which door to open? If you’re in a locked room in this vast house without a remote, you’re probably going to die of starvation. Yet everyone in this doomed movie views this voice-activated hell house as the best thing they’ve ever seen. Who in their right mind would choose to live like that?! I’m thinking the screenwriters originally wanted Natalie to live in a haunted house, but the producers demanded something more “plausible”. And cheaper.

By the end of the movie, the remote becomes so powerful it renders Kevin a Zack Morris-esque demi-god.

Natalie seems thrilled to have Kevin around. After all, the Royal Family – not of England but from a country where everybody speaks with an upper class English accent – is staying over for Christmas, and with Kevin around there’ll be someone around to play with the Crown Prince —

Wait, what the fudge?? The Royal Family is… what? I take back what I said about Home Alone 3 exhausting all vestiges of creativity and plausibility from the franchise.

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Merman Cop

Hothead homicide detective Rick Slade (Paul Rudd) is demoted to the Marine Unit and paired up with a rookie partner who’s a fish out of water – literally! Buddy Aquarius (Zach Galifianakis) is the first Merman to ever serve the Miami police force. His splashy personality, utter incompetence, and nauseating stench are enough to make Rick want to send Buddy to sleep with the fishes. But when Buddy’s father, Neptune the King of Atlantis (Gary Busey), is murdered, our two heroes dive into action. They’ll teach criminals everywhere that justice is a dish best served wet!

Conjoined Candidates

Siamese twins Dwayne and Blayne Hatfield (Will Ferrell in dual roles) run for President of the United States… against each other! When the vote results come in 50/50 for both candidates, Dwayne and Blayne are forced to share the Oval Office. In the end they must put aside their political differences to bring America closer together. You’ll be doubling over with laughter with this double-dose of hilarity!

M. Night Shyamalan’s Field of Dreams

From the visionary (and highly predictable) mind of M. Night Shyamalan comes a bold new interpretation of the 1989 Kevin Costner classic. Nicolas Cage stars as Ray Kinsella, an Iowa farmer haunted by voices telling him to build a baseball diamond in his cornfield so that the Ghosts of Baseball Past can play Ghost Baseball. In Iowa. For some reason.

FAKE SPOILER ALERT: Ray is really a ghost. It’s actually his wife Eva Mendes (Ghost Rider, My Brother the Pig) who sees dead people. And she’s hiding their bodies in the cornfield.

So I Married a Sex Offender

Katherine Heigl (Grey’s Anatomy, The Awful Truth) thought she found the man of her dreams (Jack Black). But the dream turns into a nightmare (which is still technically a dream) when she discovers her husband’s kooky hobbies. FAKE SPOILER ALERT: Yes, there are furries in this film! From the manic mind of John Waters (Serial Mom, Pink Flamingos).

Young Hitler

From Razzie Award-winning director Uwe Boll and the producers of the Twilight Saga comes the romantic story of Adolf Hitler’s rise to power. Taylor Lautner (Twilight, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D) gives an inspired performance as the hunky Hitler, a young struggling artist whose career is going nowhere. What Adolf needs is a muse, and she appears in the form of the beautiful (and Jewish) Rivka, played by Amanda Seyfried (Mamma Mia!, Chloe), the woman who would break his heart and shape the fate of Europe forever.

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Cho Cho, the bereaved dog, is voiced by Chevy Chase, who you’d think by now would’ve learned the folly of playing a talking dog (See Oh Heavenly Dog). But by this point in his career, he was probably desperate enough to do any movie in exchange for a cold sandwich and a hot shower. This is Chase’s first leading role since Vegas Vacation, which was only marginally better than Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure.

Japanese-American actor Pat Morita, best known as Mr. Miyagi from the original Karate Kid, makes a brief appearance as Cho Cho’s master, Chin Li. Morita was cast for the sole purpose of tricking gullible viewers into believing that this cinematic dog turd might be a Karate Kid spin-off. Hey, it worked for The Next Karate Kid. And Hillary Swank is somewhat doglike in appearance so maybe it’s not such a stretch. The Chin Li character is clearly Chinese as evidenced by the fact that he lives in Chinatown, receives letters from his brother written in Chinese characters, and that he reminisces about growing up in China, despite being played by a Japanese-American. It’s just another example of American filmmakers’ ignorance of Southeast Asian diversity. The style of martial arts used in this film is Chinese kung fu, not Japanese karate. They really should’ve called it The Kung Fu Dog, not The Karate Dog. This movie’s so bad they couldn’t even get the title right. And don’t you get me started on the new Karate Kid remake!

Chin Li’s death scene looks like deleted footage from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

I know what you’re thinking: It can’t get any more awesome than that. And you’re right. It only gets more disturbing yet mundanely surreal. There’s the typical tension and bro-like bonding between the young detective and the talking dog that you’d expect in every talking animal film. The human detective is straight-laced and awkward with the ladies whilst the dog is a smart aleck tail-chaser. (This is starting to sound uncomfortably like “Two and a Half Men.”)  There’s the scene where the detective tries to prove to his superiors that the dog can talk but the pooch pulls a Michigan J. Frog and plays mute. And there’s the scene reminiscent of Hot to Trot (link to review) where the dog invites a bunch of “party animals” to a wild soiree at the detective’s house, unbeknownst to said detective.

I can’t believe they snuck an obvious drug reference into a children’s movie. But then again, this whole movie feels like a 90-minute drug reference ‘cause nobody in their right frame of mind could’ve made a movie this eclectically bad!

The detective who plays the Turner to Chevy Chase’s Hooch is portrayed by ex-gay porn star Simon Rex. I’m not making this up. Look him up on IMDb or Wikipedia. The acting in this particular scene is what tipped me off:

I’m pretty sure the screenwriters stole this scene from “Poochinsky,” the failed TV pilot about a murdered cop who’s reincarnated as a talking dog.

It’s hard enough for porn stars (pun definitely intended) to make it into mainstream cinema – most end up in schlocky sci-fi/horror T & A fests (Jenna Jameson, Zombie Strippers!) and those that do make it end up playing parodies of themselves or appearing simply for the sake of novelty (Ron Jeremy). But Simon Rex not only broke into the mainstream but into something as wholesome as a children’s movie – in a lead role no less. That’s unprecedented. But then again, judging by the quality of this film, it’s likely they only hired Rex because Jimmy Fallon was unavailable.

Yet the worst acting in this film doesn’t come from an ex-gay porn star. Nor does it come from My Name is Earl alum Jamie Pressly, who’s even less convincing as an FBI agent than Denise Richards as a rocket scientist in The World is Not Enough. It comes from the Oscar-winning Jon Voight, whose turn as the villainous Hamilton Cage is charged with more manic insanity than Christopher Walken and Nicolas Cage combined! His character is even named Cage. And he sports a distractingly bad Southern accent, ugly ponytail, and even uglier faux-snake skin Asian-inspired attire, and is prone to lengthy bouts of maniacal laughter – all hallmarks of a wacky Nic Cage performance.

The fictional Cage, a biotech billionaire, secretly injects his racing greyhounds with Lot 99, a lethal experimental performance enhancer, in order to make millions at the track. This plan blatantly rips off the plot of the James Bond film A View to a Kill, which coincidentally starred Christopher Walken as the villain. Chin Li tries to stop him and is murdered. Cage starts injecting himself with the suspect serum, which gives him super speed, super strength and super insanity.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, Cage starts holding press conferences just to show off his ability to do rad backflips.

Truth be told, if I could do backflips like that I’d be holding press conferences too.

This clusterfuck of a film culminates in an epic kung fu duel pitting Cage against Cho Cho. I lack the ability to articulate just how noodle-scratchingly nuts this sequence is. Heck, most languages lack the vocabulary to describe its lunacy. So here’s a sampling:

First of all, it’s obvious why Nicolas Cage turned down the role: If he were allowed to convey that level of lunacy, the fiery intensity of his performance would surely have caused the Earth to explode!

Secondly: Jon Voight breakdances?! I think we all need an animated GIF of that:

You’re welcome, Internet.

Thirdly, Cho Cho would’ve been able to identify his master’s killer instantly because dogs have an amazingly acute sense of smell. And don’t give me that “It’s a kids’ movie” bullshit, it’s a factoid even young children know. Lazy, lazy writing.

Fortunately that oversight is immediately remedied by what is possibly one of the best bad moments in cinematic history:

I don’t know whether to laugh, to cry, or to cry laughing.

But the real cherry on top of this surreal shit sundae of a movie is the final scene, which involves a dog singing a love song to a cat. The more I think about it, the more my brain hurts.

The image of that sad-eyed Dalmatian playing the cello haunts my nightmares. It’s so horrific and cruel, like something out of David Lynch or Alejandro Jodorowsky.

Bob Clark directed this dogpile. He used to actually direct great movies, like the original Black Christmas and A Christmas Story. Even many of his lesser efforts, like Porky’s, were competent pieces of filmmaking. But by the end of his career he was directing dreck like Baby Geniuses and SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, which also starred Jon Voight as an over-the-top villain. What the heck happened to Clark and Voight? Maybe they made some sort of Faustian deal in which they’d have success and critical acclaim early on in their careers in exchange for decades of forced participation in humiliatingly bad films.

You’d think that after over 70 years of talking pictures they’d make at least one talking dog movie that doesn’t suck. Maybe I’m expecting too much from a genre dominated by bad animal puns and scatological humor. But I don’t think so. If Babe could elevate the talking pig movie genre above the mediocre level of Gordy, then surely similar lofty heights are possible for talking dogs. After all, both pigs and dogs are known for their intelligence, not just rolling in their own feces.

My Score

1 Pissing Pooch out of 5

All the problems with this movie could’ve been solved by not making this movie.

The Magic Serpent

The film begins as a band of ninjas attack the fortress of the peaceful Lord Ogata. A confused Ogata seeks out General Yukidaijo, his second-in-command, to explain the situation. What follows is the greatest dialogue in the history of screenwriting. Ever:

OGATA
What’s happening, Yukidaijo?

YUKIDAIJO
My lord, you are betrayed by one of your own men… And only I can tell you what his name is.
(dramatic pause)
It’s I – YUKIDAIJO!!!!
(stabs Ogata with sword, laughs maniacally)

David Mamet, eat your heart out!

Yukidaijo then orders his ninja wizard second-in-command, Orochimaru (who just finished murdering Ogata’s wife), to seek out and kill Ogata’s young son, Prince Ikazuchi-Maru. In most movies you’d expect this murder mission to involve one or perhaps many ninjas, a whole lot of crazy ninja acrobatics, and maybe a ninja star or two, with the prince making an eventual safe escape.

But oh no! Instead of sending out a band of inept ninjas, Orochimaru uses his ninja magic to summon a MOTHERFUCKING SEA SERPENT DRAGON! That would be like if the Power Rangers, instead of waiting for the monster-of-the-week to become gigantic in order to defeat it with the MegaZord, just used the MegaZord from the get-go to easily crush it while it was still human-sized! In other words, Orochimaru isn’t your typical hapless movie villain. This fucker doesn’t fuck around.

But just seconds before the dragon can kill the young prince, Lord Ogata’s personal ninja wizard, Dojin Hiki, (who vowed to look after young Ikazuki-Maru) summons a giant Rodan-like eagle to scoop up the boy and fly him to safety! The giant eagle slashes the dragon with its talons, resulting in a Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky-level fountain of blood! And that’s only the first four minutes of the film!

The Magic Serpent – Great Film? Or Greatest?

Ikazuchi-Maru grows up to be an exceptional ninja wizard. We know this because Dojin Hiki explicitly states it: “In ten years I taught you all I know. Now there is nothing left to teach you.” I guess that means the old man’s going to be killed off since he serves no further purpose to the story. Hiki, the master of ninja magic and plot exposition further informs his student (and the audience), “You will do good things. Not like my first student…” It’s blatantly obvious that George Lucas watched this movie.

While prancing through the forest, Ikazuchi-Maru is attacked by a band of ninjas. But they’re no match for him, even after one of the ninjas decapitates him with a boomerang sword! After defeating all the ninjas, Ikazuchi-Maru’s dismembered head floats back to his body all thanks to ninja magic and some of the worst special effects I’ve ever seen.

Since our hero can’t be killed there’s really no point in putting any further emotional investment into this film.

Meanwhile at Master Hiki’s hovel, a magic snake (or rather a Magic Serpent) makes a failed attempt on the old man’s life. The snake turns into Orochimaru, who also happens to be Hiki’s former student. Which is a surprise to no one.

Hiki comments on the scar on Orochimaru’s forehead, which he got while fighting a giant eagle! Woah, woah, woah! So that means that Orochimaru was the dragon that tried to kill Ikazuchi-Maru! He’s like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty combined with Dark Heart from Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation.

Thankfully he doesn’t shout, “ I care!” at the end of the film and turn into a real boy.

Evil former student and wise old master engage in a lackluster duel. Despite being a master ninja wizard, Dojin Hiki is no match for Orochimaru. The evil ninja wizard easily kills his former master by throwing a poisonous asp at him. So decapitation won’t kill a ninja wizard, but a measly little snakebite will? Is a little consistency too much to ask?

Ikazuchi-Maru returns to find his master dying, and like a certain character in a certain film that would later be made by a certain George Lucas, sets out to avenge the deaths of his master and his parents.

The rest of the movie is fairly typical of low budget wire-assisted ninja film: ninjas flying through the air and fighting each other, various Jedi-like powers on display, and did I mention really bad special effects?

I will never get tired of watching this clip!

As you probably expected, the film’s climax involves Ikazuchi-Maru in a duel-to-the-death against Orochimaru. But it’s carried out in the most unexpectedly awesome fashion: Ikazuchi-Maru uses his ninja magic to transform into a giant horned frog! And Orochimaru transforms back into the giant sea serpent dragon! The two foes battle it out Godzilla-style, totally demolishing a city. I’d been waiting my entire life to see that scene!

Surprisingly enough, the giant frog breathes fire. The dragon “breathes” water. I’m not kiddin’, kiddies – a water-breathing dragon! I guess they wanted to reinforce the fact that these two mortal enemies are polar opposites. But seriously, guys, a water-breathing dragon?! What’s the worst he can do, make the frog wet? Frogs are amphibious for frak’s sake! Why don’t you just attack him with oxygen while you’re at it?

Ninja wizards who can fly, survive decapitation, and turn into various forms of reptiles: that I can believe. But a water-breathing dragon? Now you’re just being unrealistic!

Despite the immense lameness of his “special attack,” Orochimaru’s dragon still manages to pound the crap out of Ikazuchi-Maru’s frog. But fortunately Ikazuchi-Maru’s girlfriend shows up with a “magic spider hairpin” and more or less yells out “Giant Flying Spider, I CHOOSE YOU!” Now the film has turned into “Pokémon”. Awesome!

By the way, that’s web that the spider is shooting at the dragon. But of course you knew that, right? Riiiight?

And that’s really just the tip of this insanity iceberg of a movie.

While this genre mishmash may be a mixed bag, with its clichéd revenge plot and poorly choreographed swordplay, it has more than enough audacity and lo-fi charm to win over the most cynical viewer. Sure, the monster suits and effects are nowhere near as good as those found in the Godzilla films. But, they’re still vastly superior to those of the Gamera series. Although that might not be saying much. For sheer ridiculousness alone, this one comes highly recommended.

After finally achieving dream of seeing ninja wizards battle giant dragons, I gotta level with you folks: I feel kinda hollow. My dream finally came true, now what? It’s not like fictional dragon-battling ninja wizards are gonna put food on the table. Maybe I should reconsider my life goals. Does anyone know if Best Buy is still hiring? I hear their Geek Squad has an employee ninja wizard training program…

My Score

3 ½ Water-Breathing Dragons out of 5

When Bobcat’s wealthy mother dies, he inherits half her brokerage firm, much to the chagrin of his greedy, philandering stepdad, Dabney Coleman, who’s forced to suffer the indignity of wearing buckteeth and giant glasses that make him look like a Japanese stereotype from World War II propaganda.

Me so solly fo awffensive lacist steleotype!

But more importantly, Bobcat inherits a talking horse named Don, voiced by John Candy, who provides him with stock tips that make him a big shot on Wall Street! And when Bobcat moves into a swanky penthouse, the horse moves in with him! And Odd Couple-esque antics ensue! Stop pinching yourself: this is a real movie!

Hot to Trot’s advertising campaign makes the astounding claim of being the “funniest talking horse movie ever made.” While technically true, it’s not exactly a crowning achievement. I guess the far-superior Francis the Talking Mule movie series doesn’t count. ‘Cause it stars a mule, not a horse.

This is an actual Francis movie. No Photoshop trickery involved.

This mule of a movie follows the Francis story template exactly:

1. Unlucky schlub acquires equine.
2. Said equine reveals to schlub its ability to speak.
3. Equine only speaks to schlub, unless talking to someone else results in misunderstanding-based zaniness (preferably when that someone else mistakes the equine’s voice for that of the schlub).
4. Equine’s sage advice (gleaned from overhearing schlub’s co-workers/superiors/enemies articulate their plans – always conveniently in or near horse stables – or from discussions with other animals) enables schlub to succeed despite his own ineptitude.
5. (Optional) Schlub’s rivals discover that his advisor is a horse. Schlub is assumed insane.
6. Equine makes grand reveal of its ability to speak.

Who’da thunk a talking equine movie would have such a strict and unyielding narrative structure! It’s worse than Haiku.

When Bobcat refuses to sell his half of the business to his step dad, he’s kicked out of the family mansion – which looks EXACTLY like the mansion from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!”

Bobcat is the Jazz to Dabney’s Uncle Phil

It’s at this point that Don the Horse reveals to Bobcat his ability to speak (“We gotta talk”) and the two set off on a road trip of self-discovery. Along the way, Don elaborates on his speaking ability: “I speak human, giraffe, worm, toad, whale – humpback and sperm. You might say I’m a four-legged Dr. Doolittle.” Don follows this factoid with a full minute of disturbing maniacal cackling. Was John Candy paid in cocaine?

This is starting to look an awful lot like the awful Theodore Rex

They visit Don’s family, who seem to own their own farm! Don comes from a family of talking horses. You read correctly, an ENTIRE FAMILY OF TALKING HORSES! WHO OWN THEIR OWN FARM! And instead of having a horseshoe nailed over the barn door, they have a human’s shoe! I’ve hit the absurdity jackpot!

We meet Don’s Three Stooges-obsessed brother Lou, who has his mane trimmed into a Moe Howard-esque bowl cut, yet talks like Curly – complete with “Soytainly’s”, “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck’s” and “Woobwoobwoobwoobwoobwoob’s.”

With a name like Lou wouldn’t it have made more sense for him to be obsessed with (Bud) Abbott and (Lou) Costello?)

We also meet Don’s bitter dying father, voiced by Burgess Meredith. It’s bad enough that Mr. Meredith’s Mickey character was written out of the Rocky series, but now he has to suffer the indignity of appearing in a talking horse movie. Strangely enough, that’s the second time I’ve used the expression “suffer the indignity” in this review. I have a strong feeling it won’t be the last. It’s interesting to note that Mr. Meredith was uncredited for his role in this film. Probably at his own request.

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More Cushion for the Pushin’

Superficial siren Megan Fox undergoes sensitivity training after mocking all the fatties at her workplace. When that fails she’s forced to endure the most extreme form of sensitivity training imaginable – wearing a fat suit for an entire month!

After suffering an eye-opening onslaught of cruel jokes and rejection (because she’s a fat fatty), Fox finds her soulmate in the kindly Steve Buscemi. There’s only one problem – Buscemi likes his ladies large! As the month comes to an end, the formerly foxy Fox must reveal her sexy, sexy secret. But will breaking the news mean breaking his heart? Or will he be able to look past her sexy perfection to see her “inner fatty”?

RoboDAD

Single dad/superstar chess champion Dwayne Johnson doesn’t have any time for his kids – until a tragic lawn darts accident transforms him into the Robotic Data Analyzing Dad. Or RoboDAD for short.

Finding chess too simplistic for his new super-smart robot brain, RoboDAD embraces the complex challenge of raising kids. But he soon learns there’s some things even robots don’t know about parenting.

In the end he must rescue his kids from his ex-wife’s new boyfriend, the Super Technical Electronic Parental Data Analyzing ‘Droid. Or STEPDAD for short.

Disney expects this one to be a hit. Pre-production is already underway on RoboDAD 2: RoboMOM.

Tyrannosaurus Rx

Seth Rogen is Dr. Rex Theodore, Chicago’s top E.R. surgeon. Meanwhile in the Dino-Dimension – a dimension exactly like our own, except everyone’s a dinosaur – Dr. Theodore Rex (voiced by Rogen) is the top E.R. surgeon in the city of Dinocago. When a freak “dimensional plasma storm” makes them swap dimensions, the two doctors are forced to deal with worlds they don’t understand. Dino-sized laughs ensue!

Facing dino discrimination, Dr. Theodore Rex (the dinosaur) must prove he’s got what it takes to be a surgeon – ‘cause he’s got short stubby arms and two-fingered hands, which make performing surgery impossible. Meanwhile Dr. Rex Theodore (the human one) ponders whether it’s technically considered cheating if he sleeps with his dino counterpart’s girlfriend.

EROSION!

Disaster director Roland Emmerich (The Day After Tomorrow, 2012) gives us his most electrifying destruction doozy yet, starring Nicholas Cage as the paranoid landscaper who saw disaster coming… gradually.

Lacking any of Emmerich’s usual displays of global devastation (the only real action scene involves a small landslide), the film’s real terror is not in seeing mass destruction; it’s in knowing it could happen… eventually. Or not.

Doggie Style

World famous TV dog whisperer Adam Sandler knows all the ins and outs of dog training, but nothing about women. Enter Pooper (voiced by Rob Schneider), Sandler’s new problem dog, who, not only can talk – but is also an expert love guru!

Pooper offers to help Sandler woo sexy cat fancier Kate Hudson – for a price! The canine community resents Sandler’s unbroken record of being able to break a dog’s spirit. Pooper will only help Sandler get the girl if he admits that Pooper is too challenging to train – on live TV! Is he willing to risk his reputation for the woman of his dreams?

On February 13^th, Love’s a Bitch.

HandJob

A young naïve woman (Miley Cyrus) enters the cutthroat world of hand modeling. After stealing the boyfriend of a rival hand model (Lindsay Lohan), she finds herself in a handful of danger!

Death Kill: The Kill of Death

Steven Seagal is back – with a vengeance – and only on DVD, Blu-Ray, PSP, VOD, and Zune! Seagal plays his most death-dealing role yet, Death himself, AKA the Grim Reaper. When the Grim Reaper’s daughter is killed by ninjas, there’s gonna be HELL to pay!

PS: This November, look out for the sequel to Death Kill – “Death Kill 2: Kill You 2 Death”!

Bearly Legal

Supreme court rules that bears are people, too. Bear applies for driver’s license. Tracy Morgan is the driving instructor. Bear steals car – along with Morgan – and goes on road trip. ‘Nuff said.

It’s basically Blade Runner with Barney. And Whoopi Goldberg. And fart jokes. Lots and lots of fart jokes. Even after two viewings it still blows my mind that a mainstream film this bizarre actually exists.

Did I mention the fart jokes?

My first encounter with Theodore Rex was at the local VHS rental shop when I was a wee youngin’. My first thought while analyzing the VHS box cover art: Cool, a dinosaur! And it looks just like the dinosaurs from “Dinosaurs.” I love that show!

My second thought: Whoopi Goldberg?!

Third thought: That so-called “Rex” has FOUR digits on each hand, NOT TWO. Everyone knows a Rex has only two digits per hand.

Fourth Thought: If they overlooked that detail, what the fuck else did they fuck up?

Even at the age of 9 I could smell a turkey. After all, if it was any good how come I never saw any trailers or TV ads promoting its theatrical release?

That’s ‘cause Rex never had a theatrical release. It did so poorly in test screenings that New Line Cinema decided to dump it straight-to-video. With a budget of $33.5 million, Theodore Rex was the most expensive direct-to-video release of all time.

Whoopi Goldberg only appeared in this dino dookie of a movie under threat of legal action. When she tried to back out of the project, the producers filed a $20 million lawsuit against her. The eventual settlement only cost the producers an additional $2 million to Goldberg’s salary. It only cost Goldberg her dignity.

But Whoopi got her revenge with one of the most bland and bitter performances I’ve ever seen. To say she phones it in would be an insult to telephones everywhere. In every scene she’s in, it’s painfully obvious that she does NOT want to be there.

She’s even pissed off in scenes where she’s supposed to be happy:

I’m so happy we saved the world, Teddy. No, really! That’s just how I smile.

To add insult to injury, this court-ordered appearance won Whoopi the Razzie Award for “Worst Performance by an Actress.” And I say undeservedly so. I wouldn’t classify what she does on-screen as a ‘performance.’ That would imply she was actually performing. She spends all her screen time sulking.

The narrative of Theodore Rex is a textbook example of a screenwriter trying to cram too many ideas, too many genres and too many subplots into a single script. The result is a film in which everything is painfully underdeveloped.

The film begins with this line of text: “Once Upon a Time in the Future…”

This sets the perfect tone for a story this bizarre, conveying a sense of both fantasy and science fiction. The invocation of “Once Upon a Time” suggests that this tale takes place in an unknown, undefined future that may never actually happen.

But then they immediately fuck it all up with this opening crawl:

I thought “Once Upon a Time” means it takes place in an unspecified time. Now it takes place at a specific time – the present day. A present day in which dinosaurs once again walk the earth? Or is this an alternate present? I frankly don’t know. And after five minutes I stopped caring.

This opening crawl isn’t even necessary. It conveys information that’s revealed later on in the film. And in a more artful way I might add. (Not that anything in Theodore Rex qualifies as being artful.) If anything it spoils any sense of surprise or ambiguity that would make this movie more enjoyable. It would be like watching The Empire Strikes Back in 1980 and seeing an opening crawl like this:

We don’t need to know that Darth Vader is Luke’s father until the end of the film. And we don’t need to know that Kane is the villain until the middle of Act 2. And we sure-as-shootin’ don’t need to know about his dastardly plan before the film even starts. However, to say that this unnecessary spoiler single-handedly ruins the film would be exaggeration of the highest order.

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To those considering watching this failed attempt at horror comedy, don’t bother. To those involved in the making of this so-called film, don’t bother! Don’t bother making any more films. Don’t bother watching any more films. Don’t even bother watching YouTube.

It was written and directed by Chris Seaver, whose previous cinematic attempts include such illuminating titles as Wet Heat, Scrotal Vengeance, and Heather and Puggly Drop a Deuce. The opening credits inform us that this is “A Chris Seaver Talkie”. As opposed to “A Chris Seaver Porno”? Trust me, you do not want to know what a blood fart is.

I’m not going to summarize what happens in the movie. I’m not even going to continue writing this review. It would be a waste of your time as a reader. And I really don’t want to relive the grueling torture I endured viewing this slasher stinkeroo. I love a bad movie just as much – heck, even more – than the next guy.

But sometimes you just come across a movie so bad, so unfunny (at a Love Guru level), that to spend time writing or talking about it would be to grant it an amount of respect and attention it does not deserve. And this is coming from a critic who wrote extensive analyses of Cool as Ice and Going Overboard. It’s as if the folks behind this movie attempted to make a no-budget Friedberg/Seltzer (Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans) spoof comedy and made something even more wretched, more detestable, and more painfully and embarrassingly unfunny.

This is the Pandora’s Box of bad movies. Don’t open it, brah!

But if you want to sit through 76 minutes chock-a-block with atrocious “jokes”, a homicidal and flamboyantly-gay scarecrow, the most exhaustingly-bad overacting I have ever suffered through, and a fatso horny goth chick who spends a good chunk of the movie humping the air while screaming “Enter me!”, then be my guest. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My Rating
-25 Blood Farts out of 5

This is an insult to “direct-to-DVD”.

(Not So) FUN FACT
Chris Seaver has taken a page from mockbuster making production company The Asylum and is currently working on a Twilight spoof titled Taintlight.