HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (1985)

What better way to rekindle the Holiday spirit than with an hour-long toy commercial? He-Man and his twin sister She-Ra join forces for one the most enjoyable and unintentionally hilarious Christmas specials I’ve ever seen.

He-Man, AKA Prince Adam, and She-Ra, AKA Princess Adora, have the most unconvincing secret identities in all of secret identitydom. No masks. No removal of eyeglasses. No change in hairstyle. Just ridiculous costumes. Even Miley Cyrus knows enough to throw on a blonde wig when she dresses as Hannah Montana. I don’t know why they even bother with secret identities when they don’t even bother to keep them secret.

Through a series of conveniently contrived plot twists (every plot twist in a Christmas special seems to be conveniently contrived) two Earth children are accidentally teleported to He-Man’s planet of Eternia. When the two kids, Alicia and Miguel, bitch about not being able to get home in time to celebrate Christmas, King Randor and Queen Marlena decide to include a Christmas celebration with the birthday festivities of Adam and Adora, which just so happens to occur on the exact same day. The fact that they would equate He-Man and She-Ra with Jesus Christ is offensive beyond belief.

Apparently this “new spirit of goodness” is an insult to the evil galactic overlord Horde Prime, who believes that Christmas will challenge his evil grip on the galaxy. This Wizard of Oz-esque baddie orders his underlings, Skeletor and She-Ra’s foe Hordak, to crush the Christmas spirit by delivering the Earth children to him. Probably for some sort of black mass blood sacrifice.

So basically Skeletor’s mission is to steal Christmas. This is starting to sound a lot like my childhood fan fiction!

Hordak strikes first, using a tractor beam to suck the kids into his suggestively shaped helicopter.

What were the toymakers thinking? Maybe I don’t want to know.

The copter flies to Etheria, where it’s shot down by the “Monstroids,” a band of giant transforming robots in unconvincing disguise. Alicia and Miguel are taken to a Monstroid prison cell to await execution. Why is it that every Holiday special portrays the worst possible things that could ever happen on Christmas?

That’s the most unconvincing disguise I’ve seen since He-Man and She-Ra.

The kids aren’t locked up for long. A couple of the Monstroids’ archenemies, the so-called “Manchines,” arrive to bust ‘em out. Who names these things? It sounds like the Mansiere, Frank Costanza’s name for a male bra.

A Manchine named Cutter cuts through the prison bars (“They don’t call me Cutter for nothin’!) while a talking go-cart named Zipper (“They don’t call him Zipper for nothin’) speeds them off to safety. I swear Zipper must be voiced by terrible comedian / “Tim & Eric” regular, James Quall! “Zzzzzzzop on! There’zzzzzzzz aaaaaaaaa Monstroid just aaaaaaround zzzzzz-corner!”

All that’s missing is for him to repeat the phrase “Spaghetti and meatballs” over and over again.

Pretty soon the kids and the Manchines are surrounded by Monstroids. But as luck, and bad screenwriting, would have it, that’s the exact moment that He-Man, She-Ra, and a whole army of Manchines decide to show up and save the day. The “Manchines” certainly don’t live up to their name. They don’t look anything like men. More like characters from the rejected “Mega Man Babies” cartoon.

Skeletor takes advantage of all this hubbub to swoop in on his flying jet ski and capture the Earth kids and their newly-adopted “Manchine puppy.” The jealous Hordak shoots lasers at the jet ski, sending it careening into the deadly snow-capped Etherian Mountains.

Now begins the best part of this—or any—Christmas special ever produced in the history of history. Skeletor forces the kids into a grim death march through the frozen wastes. The kids are freezing to death. But Skeletor doesn’t give a shit: “I said MOVE IT!” “But it’s Christmas time,” they whine. “What’s Christmas time?” Halfway through her explanation, Alicia passes out in the snow. But Skeletor shows zero concern: “There’s no Christmas spirit here! So get moving, you two!” Skeletor is my kinda cartoon villain!

Skeletor: Guilty of child abuse and extreme awesomeness.

Alicia won’t wake up no matter how hard Skeletor yells at her or shakes his fists in the air. So the bone-faced badass uses his evil magical staff to give the kids warm parkas.

Mistaking his pragmatism for generosity, Alicia says, “Thank you Mister Skeletor, you are very kind.” Insulted by this compliment, Skeletor forces them to leave their puppy behind to die a cold and painful death. Hannibal Lecter’s got nothin’ on this guy!

That’s what you get for calling Skeletor kind: He kills your puppy!

But Skeletor has a change of heart and picks the pup up out of the snow. Disgusted by his own compassion and decency, he whines, “I don’t know what’s coming over me. But whatever it is, I DON’T LIKE IT!” I know what’s coming over him; it’s the Christmas spirit! Just don’t tell Skeletor that; he’d probably murder your family and make you watch.

Then the dog starts licking Skeletor’s face! Skeletor protests, but it’s pretty obvious he secretly enjoys it.

Alicia offers to carry the dog. But Skeletor doesn’t believe in charity: “Er… We’ll go much FASTER if I carry him. Tell me more about this Christmas.”

This exchange of dialogue gives a rare glimpse into Skeletor’s damaged psyche:

MIGUEL: It’s a wonderful time of year. Everyone has lots of fun.
SKELETOR: You mean they get in fights?
MIGUEL: No! Nooo! They have fun.
SKELETOR: Fights ARE fun! I LIKE fights!

How can this scene possibly get any better? How ‘bout if they get attacked by a Snow Beast!

Skeletor makes quick work of the monster. “So much for the Snow Beast,” he cackles. The kids mistake Skeletor’s love of killing endangered animals for kindess: “Oh thank you, Mister Skeletor, you SAVED us! You really are wonderful!” And just look how Skeletor reacts to their love and support:

Skeletor’s heart grew three sizes that day

Because this scene couldn’t possibly get more awesome, Hordak and shows up and recaptures the children. Then Horde Prime shows up. Then He-Man and She-Ra show up once again to save the day. But they save nothing. Skeletor single-handedly defeats Horde Prime, the most powerful evil force in the universe, with one simple blast of his evil magical staff. Now that’s what I call badass!

He-Man, She-Ra, and Skeletor are equally dumbfounded as the kids embrace their bone-faced hero. He-Man suggests that maybe Skeletor is suffering from a serious case of the Christmas spirit: “It makes you feel… GOOD.” “I don’t like to feel good,” whines Skeletor, “I like to feel EVIL! Awwww!”

And that’s how Skeletor Stole Saved Christmas!

And finally, the cherry on top of this insanity sundae: He-Man as Santa Claus!

The most convincing disguise He-Man has ever worn

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special feels less like an episode of Masters of the Universe than a work of fan fiction. A work of AWESOME fan fiction! Skeletor’s defection to the good side must’ve P.O.’d legions of hardcore He-Man fans. There are so many baffling moments in this cartoon that I wasn’t sure if the writers were in on the joke or if they were totally out of their minds. If they were in on the joke, then this is one of the most brilliant self-reflexive parodies of Christmas specials ever produced.

Go to the next page

But what about all those Christmas specials that aim for classic status and fail miserably (and hilariously)? For every one heart-cockle-warming program out there, there’s at least ten to send you straight to the depths of Jingle Hell. This is your Holiday guide to the baffling, the bizarre, and the downright depressing. Get ready for a haunting visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Specials Past!

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)

Let’s just get this one out of the way, shall we? The Star Wars Holiday Special is the most painful two hours of television you will ever endure. Its reputation for sucktitude does not do it justice. Make no mistake, this is not so-bad-it’s-good. It’s beyond bad. It’s beyond unwatchable. It’s the crappy Christmas special equivalent of Videodrome: an experiment in video-based warfare designed to destroy the viewer’s mind with its sheer awfulness.

The concept sounds promising enough: All the stars of the original film reunite for a low budget TV drama that’s really just a veiled excuse to string together a series of musical numbers, celebrity cameos, and other variety show acts. The year is 1978. Star Wars exists as only one film. The rules of its fictional universe aren’t yet set in stone. The narrative possibilities are endless. Maybe the Empire would kidnap Space Santa and Luke and Han would come to the rescue and save Space X-Mas! Maybe we’d get a retelling of “A Christmas Carol” with Darth Vader as Scrooge! Instead we get Chewbacca’s bickering family and something called “Life Day.”

This grueling two-hour “special” is mostly of scenes of Chewbacca’s family fighting, squabbling, and generally making each other’s lives miserable as they wait for their patriarch to return home for the Life Day feast. The first ten minutes consist almost exclusively of Wookiees running around a tree house barking, growling, grunting, and whining. With no subtitles to let us know what the heck is going on.

If you thought Jar Jar was the black eye of the series, just wait ‘till you meet Chewie’s son Lumpy.

The scenes with the original movie cast members are nothing more than glorified cameos. Mark Hamill looks like he’s wearing a cheap Luke Skywalker Halloween mask. He had just undergone plastic surgery after his face was disfigured in a car accident and they tried to hide his scars with lots of makeup. They failed miserably.

… and Lon Chaney as Luke Skywalker

Harrison Ford clearly doesn’t want anything to do with this turd. He looks absolutely pissed off.

And he has every right to be. He’s forced to utter such classic lines as “Why do I always think taking you home for Life Day is going to be easy?”, and the fan favorite “You’re like… family… to me,” which he says to the Chewbacca clan. It’s a testament to Ford’s acting ability that he was able to say that last line with a straight face.

All the special effects are recycled (poorly) from the original film. In fact Darth Vader’s cameo is made up exclusively of recycled footage with a poorly recorded voice over replacing the original sound.

Actual Dialogue: “I want the Rebels located and identified if it means searching every household in the system!”

The “Special Guests” don’t fare much better. Bea Arthur plays Ackmena, head bar wench of the famous Mos Eisley cantina. She performs a musical song and dance number to the tune of the Cantina theme from the original movie. And she dances with Greedo!

Greedo: slow on the draw, electric on the dance floor

Harvey Korman suffers the indignity of three roles: a four-armed, green-skinned Julia Child parody obsessed with stirring things, a faulty cyborg who seems like he’s from a “Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!” sketch gone horribly wrong, and a Cantina patron who hits on Bea Arthur and drinks through a blowhole in the top of his head.

You hear that Harv? That’s the sound of your last ounce of dignity pouring away

Art Carney (of “The Honeymooners” fame) plays Saundan, a local trader who provides Chewie’s dad Itchy with virtual reality porn featuring ‘70s songstress Diahann Carroll. Porn – that’s really the only way to describe it. Here’s some sample dialogue:

DIAHANN CARROLL:  My voice is for you alone. I exist for you. I am in your mind as you create me. OH YES! I can feel my creation! I am getting your message. Are you getting mine?

CUT TO: Itchy moaning and twitching.

DIAHANN CARROLL: Oooooh! We are excited, aren’t we?… Nooooow, we can have a good time, can’t we?…I am your fantasy. I am your experience. Experience me! I am your pleasure. Enjoy me!

This is beyond suggestive. This is blatant.

And Jefferson Starship? I’m pretty sure they’re only here ‘cause their name contains the word “starship.”

Maybe they changed their name to get the gig.

The grand finale of this special somehow manages to top everything else that’s come before it for sheer sucktitude. A heavily drugged Princess Leia gives the Wookiees of the planet “Kazook” (?) an impassioned speech about “freedom and harmony,” “the Tree of Life” and other New Age-y Hippie-dippy nonsense. And then she breaks out into off-key singing! To the tune of the Star Wars main theme!

The other original cast members stare in utter disbelief and reconsider the future of their careers.

The only remotely watchable part of this space travesty is a 10-minute animated short, “The Faithful Wookiee,” which is notable for the first ever appearance of Boba Fett, (pre-dating his Empire Strikes Back appearance by two years). This segment is so much better than the rest of the program that it boggles my mind they didn’t do the whole special as an animated feature.

The Star Wars Holiday Special was so poorly received that it only aired once. George Lucas, who had little involvement due to his commitment to pre-production on Empire Strikes Back, reportedly hated the finished product so much that he prevented it from ever being released on home video. But bootlegged copies have proliferated at conventions and on the ‘Net for years. Why? I have absolutely no clue.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is the Pandora’s Box of ironic entertainment. Forget “do not open ‘till X-Mas.” Do not open EVER! It’ll fill your stockings with Christmas jeer.

Go to the next page

It’s basically Blade Runner with Barney. And Whoopi Goldberg. And fart jokes. Lots and lots of fart jokes. Even after two viewings it still blows my mind that a mainstream film this bizarre actually exists.

Did I mention the fart jokes?

My first encounter with Theodore Rex was at the local VHS rental shop when I was a wee youngin’. My first thought while analyzing the VHS box cover art: Cool, a dinosaur! And it looks just like the dinosaurs from “Dinosaurs.” I love that show!

My second thought: Whoopi Goldberg?!

Third thought: That so-called “Rex” has FOUR digits on each hand, NOT TWO. Everyone knows a Rex has only two digits per hand.

Fourth Thought: If they overlooked that detail, what the fuck else did they fuck up?

Even at the age of 9 I could smell a turkey. After all, if it was any good how come I never saw any trailers or TV ads promoting its theatrical release?

That’s ‘cause Rex never had a theatrical release. It did so poorly in test screenings that New Line Cinema decided to dump it straight-to-video. With a budget of $33.5 million, Theodore Rex was the most expensive direct-to-video release of all time.

Whoopi Goldberg only appeared in this dino dookie of a movie under threat of legal action. When she tried to back out of the project, the producers filed a $20 million lawsuit against her. The eventual settlement only cost the producers an additional $2 million to Goldberg’s salary. It only cost Goldberg her dignity.

But Whoopi got her revenge with one of the most bland and bitter performances I’ve ever seen. To say she phones it in would be an insult to telephones everywhere. In every scene she’s in, it’s painfully obvious that she does NOT want to be there.

She’s even pissed off in scenes where she’s supposed to be happy:

I’m so happy we saved the world, Teddy. No, really! That’s just how I smile.

To add insult to injury, this court-ordered appearance won Whoopi the Razzie Award for “Worst Performance by an Actress.” And I say undeservedly so. I wouldn’t classify what she does on-screen as a ‘performance.’ That would imply she was actually performing. She spends all her screen time sulking.

The narrative of Theodore Rex is a textbook example of a screenwriter trying to cram too many ideas, too many genres and too many subplots into a single script. The result is a film in which everything is painfully underdeveloped.

The film begins with this line of text: “Once Upon a Time in the Future…”

This sets the perfect tone for a story this bizarre, conveying a sense of both fantasy and science fiction. The invocation of “Once Upon a Time” suggests that this tale takes place in an unknown, undefined future that may never actually happen.

But then they immediately fuck it all up with this opening crawl:

I thought “Once Upon a Time” means it takes place in an unspecified time. Now it takes place at a specific time – the present day. A present day in which dinosaurs once again walk the earth? Or is this an alternate present? I frankly don’t know. And after five minutes I stopped caring.

This opening crawl isn’t even necessary. It conveys information that’s revealed later on in the film. And in a more artful way I might add. (Not that anything in Theodore Rex qualifies as being artful.) If anything it spoils any sense of surprise or ambiguity that would make this movie more enjoyable. It would be like watching The Empire Strikes Back in 1980 and seeing an opening crawl like this:

We don’t need to know that Darth Vader is Luke’s father until the end of the film. And we don’t need to know that Kane is the villain until the middle of Act 2. And we sure-as-shootin’ don’t need to know about his dastardly plan before the film even starts. However, to say that this unnecessary spoiler single-handedly ruins the film would be exaggeration of the highest order.

Go to the next page

To those considering watching this failed attempt at horror comedy, don’t bother. To those involved in the making of this so-called film, don’t bother! Don’t bother making any more films. Don’t bother watching any more films. Don’t even bother watching YouTube.

It was written and directed by Chris Seaver, whose previous cinematic attempts include such illuminating titles as Wet Heat, Scrotal Vengeance, and Heather and Puggly Drop a Deuce. The opening credits inform us that this is “A Chris Seaver Talkie”. As opposed to “A Chris Seaver Porno”? Trust me, you do not want to know what a blood fart is.

I’m not going to summarize what happens in the movie. I’m not even going to continue writing this review. It would be a waste of your time as a reader. And I really don’t want to relive the grueling torture I endured viewing this slasher stinkeroo. I love a bad movie just as much – heck, even more – than the next guy.

But sometimes you just come across a movie so bad, so unfunny (at a Love Guru level), that to spend time writing or talking about it would be to grant it an amount of respect and attention it does not deserve. And this is coming from a critic who wrote extensive analyses of Cool as Ice and Going Overboard. It’s as if the folks behind this movie attempted to make a no-budget Friedberg/Seltzer (Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans) spoof comedy and made something even more wretched, more detestable, and more painfully and embarrassingly unfunny.

This is the Pandora’s Box of bad movies. Don’t open it, brah!

But if you want to sit through 76 minutes chock-a-block with atrocious “jokes”, a homicidal and flamboyantly-gay scarecrow, the most exhaustingly-bad overacting I have ever suffered through, and a fatso horny goth chick who spends a good chunk of the movie humping the air while screaming “Enter me!”, then be my guest. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My Rating
-25 Blood Farts out of 5

This is an insult to “direct-to-DVD”.

(Not So) FUN FACT
Chris Seaver has taken a page from mockbuster making production company The Asylum and is currently working on a Twilight spoof titled Taintlight.

Now you’re beginning to comprehend the hell that is The Asylum’s “mockbuster” of Michael Bay’s Transformers, the bafflingly-titled Transmorphers. And yes, as hard as it is to believe, this movie is worse than Transformers 2.

This cash-grab crapfest hit video stores mere days before the theatrical release of the aforementioned first “Bayformers” flick, which means the filmmakers didn’t even have a chance to see the film they were ripping off. So they ripped off the Transformers movie trailers instead, then filled in the gaps by cribbing pretty much every decent/recent sci-fi film you can think of. What Aaron Seltzer & Jason Friedberg (Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie) are to comedy, Transmorphers writer-director-producer-editor (it’s usually a bad sign in a B-movie when a filmmaker’s title involves so many hyphens) Leigh Scott (The Da Vinci Treasure, Snakes on a Train) is to sci-fi action. Scott’s attempts at cinema make Uwe Boll look like Ingmar Bergman.

It didn’t have to be this way. This movie’s got giant killer robots, a dorky scientist with a sexy android girlfriend, and hot twenty-something lesbians galore! All the ingredients needed to make the BEST. MOVIE. EVER. How did they fuck that up?

I’ll spare you the usual in-depth analysis, as I’m not a sado-masochist…

Oh, who am I kidding? I live for this shit.

As told in a completely unnecessary introduction read off by a dude with a phony-sounding British accent, in the far off year of 2009, the earth is invaded by robot aliens in poorly rendered polygon-shaped spaceships.

Believe it or not, these are the best effects shots of the whole movie.

The robot aliens (robaliens?) wipe out over 90% of humanity, and block out the sun… for some reason. You’d think they’d need the sun’s rays to recharge their solar cells or something.

Is this a screen shot from Transmorphers or Sim City 2000?

Transmorphers is more than just a rip-off of Michael Bay’s Transformers. It also rips off Michael Bay’s Armageddon.

After this awesomely underwhelming scene of global destruction, we’re treated to our first glimpse of an actual Transmorpher. It transforms – or should I say, “transmorphs” – from a poorly-rendered fighter jet into one of the worst CGI robots I’ve ever seen. And it only goes downhill from here.

They pretty much wasted their effects budget on an introduction that could easily have been explained away in a line or two of dialogue.

The remnants of humanity, now living underground (and made up almost exclusively of young female porn stars), plan a surprise attack against the robalien overlords. The military debriefing scene is a shamefully inept “homage” to far-superior films like Aliens and Starship Troopers. It is rife with clichéd lines like “Oh yeah, this baby’s gonna do some DAMAGE!” delivered by “actors” who look like they were just pulled off the street, or in some cases from the gutter. The characters are really underdeveloped. To call them stereotypes would be praising the screenwriter for his consistency.

The plan fails miserably, which is unsurprising considering the “plan” made little sense to begin with. And the “soldiers” have no vehicles, body armor, and in some cases, weapons. Either this future society is severely lacking in resources or the filmmakers barely had enough money to cobble this disasterpiece together. My money’s on the latter. We don’t even get to see any of the action, or any robots for that matter. All we get is bad set design, bad lighting effects, and even worse acting. When a soldier utters his dying words, “They’re changing,” we pretty much have to take his word for it.

After that exercise in lousy soldiering and even worse filmmaking, the military tribunal (made up almost entirely of MILFs) decides to thaw out criminal Warren Mitchell from Cryo-Freeze and allows him to lead them despite his criminal background. According to a Shatner-esque character I’ll refer to as Scary Cat Lady, “He’s the best… we’ve… got.”

Introducing Shaley Scott, most likely a relative of director Leigh Scott. Nepotism/acting/hair & makeup at its absolute worst.

The sexy General Van Ryberg tries to kibosh this. Mitchell’s leadership means she won’t be able to continue squandering the entire military budget on hair and makeup. They’ve been fighting a centuries-old war with almost no resources and they’re living in underground squalor – yet she looks fantastic. PLOT ALERT! After Van Ryberg sentenced Mitchell to Cryo-Freeze, she immediately seduced and married his wife!

What is it with the widespread lesbianism in this movie? Humanity’s on the brink of extinction, you’d think everyone would be concerned with increasing the population.

Go to the next page

Yeah, I know, that sounds like the most amazing exploitation film ever. And in the right hands, it could have been. But in the careless hands of star/producer Rudy Ray Moore (who stole the plot from a local homeless man), Dolemite is a film that’s awe-inspiring in its stupidity and disregard for basic film craft.

The tedious and overlong pre-credits sequence highlights most of the flaws afflicting this funkadelic flick. Dolemite is summoned from his prison cell to the white warden’s office. “Aww, shit! What the hell does that rat shit-eatin’ muthafuckah want wit’ me?” Doley asks eloquently. Get used to the word “motherfucker.” He uses it a lot.

The warden gives what is possibly the most drawn-out expositional speech in cinematic history, lasting almost 10 minutes! He even goes so far as to introduce Dolemite to his closest business “associate”: “You know Mama Queen Bee, I’m sure. You should be very proud of her. For damn near two years she’s been bugging me about your innocence. You know, the funny thing is, I’m starting to believe her…”

Wait, why would the warden need to introduce Dolemite to the woman who for years has managed his stable of prostitutes and white slaves? Yeah, I know the audience doesn’t know who she is or what her relationship to Dolemite is at this point, but there are literally THOUSANDS of ways of introducing her that aren’t nearly as heavy-handed! They could have hugged each other, shared a quiet smile or just about ANYTHING other than having the Warden say “Hey Dolemite, here’s your best friend and closest advisor. In case you forgot her name, it’s Queen Bee. She manages your whores. You’re a pimp.”

And the warden just drones on and ON AND ON! For almost ten minutes. The crux of the scene is that the warden has come across new evidence that suggests Dolemite may have been wrongfully convicted. What that evidence is, we’re never told. What the Warden wants Dolemite to do in order to prove his innocence, we’re never told. The filmmakers clearly have no sense of cinematic storytelling. Or of criminal law. I wasn’t aware they let convicted criminals out of prison to prove their innocence!

It’s a scene that only needed to be two minutes long. Or less. And they dragged it on for almost TEN FREAKIN’ MINUTES!

The staging for this scene isn’t even remotely interesting. It’s the same bland, repetitive “sitting talking heads” set-up. The filmmakers add variety to this sequence with the occasional continuity error. One shot, Dolemite may be sitting. The next, he’s inexplicably standing. And rifling through the warden’s filing cabinet. After five minutes, even the actors start dozing off.

Behold, a genius editor at work!

And the acting is NON-EXISTENT! For these actors, their idea of good acting begins and ends with remembering their lines. And for some of them, even that’s a stretch. You’d think they could infuse a little emotion into this scene.

Behold the vivid rainbow that is Dolemite’s emotional range:

And how do you make an unnecessarily long scene even longer? You throw in a completely unnecessary flashback!

By now we’ve already been told at least five or six times that Dolemite was framed for “possession of stolen furs and a half a million dollars’ worth of narcotics”. Now we get to see it, playing out pretty much exactly as I imagined it (albeit with much worse acting).

Two pushy white cops (all white cops in this movie are evil) demand a looky-loo in the trunk of Doley’s Cadillac pimpmobile. They discover (to the surprise of no one, not even Dolemite) stolen furs and a half million dollars’ worth of narcotics. I have no idea how they ascertain that the furs are stolen. Or how they manage to get this evidence to hold up in court, especially when the search was conducted without either Dolemite’s consent or a search warrant.

Doley’s defence: “Dat shit ain’t mine. I don’ know how it got there.” Moore’s acting is so unconvincing that his character comes across as having been arrested so many times he’s given up on convincing alibis. When the cracker cops try to place him under arrest, Dolemite spazzes out with a battle cry of “Yo GON’ HAFTA TAKE ME!” He then opens up a can of Pimp-fu on the cops, displaying some of the worst fight choreography my eyes have ever been subjected to. Even my own crappy karate moves in the Fun Time Internet video Hondo’s Cars look professional in comparison.

It’s a sad day for cinema when yours truly can truthfully claim to be a better fighter and fight choreographer than people who actually got paid for such “expertise.” I love how the fatso on the left just stands there and watches his buddy get his ass kicked!

In one section of the fight, Doley kicks a fat dude who is supposed to fall into the pimpmobile trunk. Instead he appears to willfully jump into the trunk. Wheeee!

Dolemite’s black and white outfit represents the hope for harmony between Brothers and Honkys. Either that, or Rudy Ray Moore’s deplorable fashion sense.

The cracker pigs eventually get the drop on Doley, as Detective White (what a racist move, screenwriter, identifying him solely by his skin color!) scoffs, “Well goodbye, BOY! You’re off to a long, loooooong vacation.” To which our eloquent “hero” retorts, “I gots yo boy hangin’, you no-business, born-insecure junk-jawed mutha-FUCKA!”

What the heck does that even mean? Is that even an insult? It seems Dolemite’s idea of telling people off is to list off the first five or six random words that come to mind, yell “motherfucker,” and hope it all works out in the end. It never does. If I was Detective White, I’d feel more bemused than schooled.

Turns out these crooked cracker cops be workin’ for the pimp Willie Green, Dolemite’s greatest arch-nemesis (not counting Whitey). You’d think this reveal would be the perfect time to jump into the opening credits and the story proper. And you’d be right. It’s the perfect time to get the movie rolling along. Unfortunately you didn’t write the screenplay to this movie and neither did I. Instead, we’re sent back to the warden’s office, where all the momentum of this revelation is completely derailed by the warden’s further exposition. If hell is other people, then those other people are the “actors” in this scene.

After a couple more minutes of excruciating expository dialogue and bland mis-en-scene, we’re treated to another unnecessary flashback, this time courtesy of Queen Bee: “Some gang killed yo nephew t’other day. He was comin’ home t’other day. Jus’ him and his girlfriend. And they wasn’t botherin’ nobody.” Now the screen goes all wavy and fades out like we’re going into a dream sequence or a flashback of the far past. Why didn’t they do that with the first flashback? If anything the first flashback needed it more since it took place two years in the past. This one only happened “t’other day” as Queen Bee so eloquently stated. Is a little consistency too much to ask for?

After an overlong and uninteresting sequence showing the shooting of Dolemite’s nephew, the only thing this jive-talkin’ wordsmith can say (after a long and awkward pause) is, “So they killed lil’ Jimmy?” Obviously! Was Dolemite paying attention to anything ANYONE said? Or was he too busy thinking up another “motherfucker” comeback? “Dat’s right,” answers Queenie, “He was jus’ walkin’ home from school and he wasn’t botherin’ nobody. Jus’ him and his girl.” I’m guessing, from my own experience, that the screenwriter fell asleep in a drunken stupor mid-scene (possibly even mid-sentence), woke up late the next day with a massive hangover, and finished writing the scene in a furious frenzy, without bothering to re-read what he’d written prior to passing out. I’m also guessing the screenwriter didn’t bother writing a second draft. Or even to proofread for that matter.

After the ten most painful minutes of my life, we’re finally “treated” to a Shaft-inspired opening credits sequence, featuring various “action” shots of our tubby hero.

Fornicatin’ wit’ women. Killin’ Whitey. Fornicatin’ some more. All with a disinterested look on his face. There’s just no pleasin’ this man!

This is the only part of the film that could even remotely be considered competent. And it’s all accompanied by a rousing funkadelic theme song that exaggerates roly-poly Doley’s strength and virility. And it’s even performed by the man himself:

“Some folks say Willie Green
Was the baddest muthafuckah the world ever seen
But I wants y’all hol’ ontah yo seats, hol’ ontah dem tight
(I’m guessing the next verse will rhyme with ‘Solemite’)
‘Cause now get ready to see the story of me, YES ME, the badass DOLEMITE!”

The song’s chorus then repeats the phrase “He’s bad” over and over again. Which is a pretty apt overall description of the quality of this film.

Go to the next page

]]> http://funtimeinternet.com/linkgo/2009/lackluster-video-dolemite-1975/feed/ 1