Which brings us to Home Alone 4 AKA Home Alone: Taking Back the House AKA the most egregious holiday film since Santa Baby (which gets such a low rating because Santa is not in fact a baby). Five years after the franchise had seemingly exhausted all vestiges of creativity and plausibility with the in-name-only sequel Home Alone 3 (1997), a film that included more fart sound effects in non-fart moments than any film I’ve ever seen, they decided to give the series one more chance, this time as a TV movie from the director of K-9 (1989) and Beethoven’s 2^nd (1993). And believe me, this movie is one for the dogs. The only conceivable reason for filming Home Alone 4 is to make a liar of everyone who said Home Alone 3 was the worst in the series.

It becomes painfully obvious within the first ten seconds of this film that the viewer is in for a supremely sub par experience: the familiar Home Alone logo, now rendered as shoddy CGI, whizzes past the screen in what looks like the opening titles for a cheaply produced PlayStation 1 game. This is accompanied by a generic sounding score by Teddy Castellucci. The producers could no longer afford John Williams (whose  “Somewhere in My Memory” from the first film is a moving musical masterpiece) so they had to settle for the guy who did the music for White Chicks (2004), Wild Hogs (2007) and Rob Schneider’s filmography.

Every time this movie plays, an angel slits its wrists.

Kevin McCallister, now played by Michael Weinberg, returns to the series, having not aged a day in ten years. In fact he’s a full year younger. Kevin himself even states that he’s 9 years old, while in Home Alone 2 he’s 10. And this movie can’t be a so-called “interquel” between Home Alone 1 and 2 because it’s explicitly set in the early 2000s. Maybe if this was a remake, reboot, or re-imagining I could accept that kind of blatant disregard for continuity, but the events of the first two movies are acknowledged on multiple occasions. It’s as if no one involved in the production had ever seen Home Alone, let alone heard of it.

Kevin’s parents are now divorced and his dad is living with his wealthy girlfriend Natalie. After being bullied by his siblings in one of the most unconvincing bullying montages I’ve ever seen, Kevin decides to pack up and move in with his dad and his new mistress. Really, Kev, you run away from home because your brother tosses your laundry around? This is where the movie shifts gears from low-rent Home Alone clone to low-rent Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994) clone. Natalie lives in a “smart house” that does “whatever you tell it to”. Translation: If you wanna open a door, you gotta speak into a remote controlled device and say, “door open.” If you wanna close said door, you gotta say “door close.” If you wanna perform any basic household operation that one could normally perform all by oneself without thinking, you need the remote.

This is unquestionably the most frustratingly flawed home system I’ve ever seen in my life. You can’t go anywhere in the house without a remote. Why does it have to be voice activated-only? Why no buttons? If you say, “door open”, how would it know which door to open? If you’re in a locked room in this vast house without a remote, you’re probably going to die of starvation. Yet everyone in this doomed movie views this voice-activated hell house as the best thing they’ve ever seen. Who in their right mind would choose to live like that?! I’m thinking the screenwriters originally wanted Natalie to live in a haunted house, but the producers demanded something more “plausible”. And cheaper.

By the end of the movie, the remote becomes so powerful it renders Kevin a Zack Morris-esque demi-god.

Natalie seems thrilled to have Kevin around. After all, the Royal Family – not of England but from a country where everybody speaks with an upper class English accent – is staying over for Christmas, and with Kevin around there’ll be someone around to play with the Crown Prince —

Wait, what the fudge?? The Royal Family is… what? I take back what I said about Home Alone 3 exhausting all vestiges of creativity and plausibility from the franchise.

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There have been exactly two definitive moments in Katie Holmes’ acting career:

1. Her role as a diabetic paper shredder in the 2008 film ‘Mad Money’, in which she co-starred alongside two of Hollywood’s most closeted lesbians, Diane Keaton and Queen Latifah.

2. Her cameo appearance in ‘Got You (Where I Want You)’, the first and last single by The Flys to ever chart on modern rock radio stations in the late 90s.

It was probably denoted in the fine print of the contact for Holmes’ first leading role on the big screen in the full-length feature film ‘Disturbing Behavior’ that she was obligated to participate in the making of a promotional music video for a cut off the soundtrack. However, instead of moonlighting in the more memorable one hit wonder off the OST, ‘Flagpole Sitta’ by Harvey Danger, she got shafted with the Flys – who, to me, sound like the adopted, Hawaiian offspring of 311 and Swirl 360.

Katie spends the duration of the video looking like a cross between spaced-out and sultry and she uses this apathetic sexual prowess to lure a pack of rabid teenagers (many decked out in letterman jackets) off a cliff as the video comes to a close as the band plays on, completely oblivious to the power and depth of their sound.

Like any proper music video created with a soundtrack in mind, film clips of ‘Disturbing Behavior’ are spliced in at inopportune times, creating a disjointed narrative that leaves the uninformed audience wondering what the movie is actually about, other than Katie Holmes shimmying on the back of a pick-up truck in a school parking lot, wearing a revealing crop top that, if I were her principal, have prompted me to send her straight to detention for violating dress code.

Fieldy’s Dreams – Are You Talking To Me?

As a faithful subscriber to the now defunct Circus magazine from 1999 – 2001, I became quite familiar with the founding members of KoRn through the 8 x 11 fold-out glossies, a Playboy spread for nu-metal enthusiasts. After the dust settled on ‘Follow The Leader’, KoRn struggled to maintain their staying power with subsequent albums which lead to a bizarre smattering of lifestyle changes and obscure side projects for the (mostly) quintet from Bakersfield, CA. Brian ‘Head’ Welch accepted Jesus as his Lord & Saviour, Jonathan Davis tried to keep nu-metal culturally relevant by collaborating with their contemporaries – bands like Orgy, Videodrone and Limp Bizkit – and Fieldy recorded ‘Rock and Roll Gangster’ under the moniker ‘Fieldy’s Dreams’, an album that truly came out of left field as a departure from his Headbangers Ball roots.

While Fieldy has sported ridiculous braids and/or cornrows for most of his professional life, his level of street cred is still not high enough to let this appropriation of hip hop culture slide. With lyrics like ‘marijuana sauna, hot box momma, sweet queen leaf smell the aroma, sweet as my momma, take away my drama‘ it’s no wonder this album failed to garner any critical acclaim and served as the impetus for Fieldy to rename his solo project the more aptly titled ‘Fieldy’s Nightmare’.

Hole – Be A Man

As I grew up with an Irish immigrant who asserted his authority as the Man of the House by raising his only daughter as a tomboy, I became acquainted with European football at a young age, but never its American counterpart. Despite my minor obsession with the fleeting MTV reality series ‘Two-a-Days’, I became more familiar with tailgating parties rather than any official NFL rules, and therefore, whenever I think of pigskin, I think of Courtney Love shrieking and rolling around in a puddle of mud(d).

‘Be A Man’ was Hole’s last official music video before their hiatus and reincarnation in 2010 and they certainly went out with a bang, producing a video to be released simultaneously with the 1999 cinematic gem ‘Any Given Sunday’. The song was penned by Billy Corgan (naturally) but unfortunately did not make the final cut for ‘Celebrity Skin’, an album that Billy admitted he could not stomach listening to and was quoted in a 1998 issue of Rolling Stone saying it ‘left a bad taste in his mouth’. The lesser members of Hole probably shared the same sentiment but had the foresight to know that a sopping wet Courtney Love grinding on top of actors in football uniforms was not a good look, and opted not to participate in this disgusting display.

Now that Hole have re-established themselves as the same, mediocre alt-rock band they once were, I’m hoping they will be asked to play next year’s Super Bowl half-time show.

Cho Cho, the bereaved dog, is voiced by Chevy Chase, who you’d think by now would’ve learned the folly of playing a talking dog (See Oh Heavenly Dog). But by this point in his career, he was probably desperate enough to do any movie in exchange for a cold sandwich and a hot shower. This is Chase’s first leading role since Vegas Vacation, which was only marginally better than Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure.

Japanese-American actor Pat Morita, best known as Mr. Miyagi from the original Karate Kid, makes a brief appearance as Cho Cho’s master, Chin Li. Morita was cast for the sole purpose of tricking gullible viewers into believing that this cinematic dog turd might be a Karate Kid spin-off. Hey, it worked for The Next Karate Kid. And Hillary Swank is somewhat doglike in appearance so maybe it’s not such a stretch. The Chin Li character is clearly Chinese as evidenced by the fact that he lives in Chinatown, receives letters from his brother written in Chinese characters, and that he reminisces about growing up in China, despite being played by a Japanese-American. It’s just another example of American filmmakers’ ignorance of Southeast Asian diversity. The style of martial arts used in this film is Chinese kung fu, not Japanese karate. They really should’ve called it The Kung Fu Dog, not The Karate Dog. This movie’s so bad they couldn’t even get the title right. And don’t you get me started on the new Karate Kid remake!

Chin Li’s death scene looks like deleted footage from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.

I know what you’re thinking: It can’t get any more awesome than that. And you’re right. It only gets more disturbing yet mundanely surreal. There’s the typical tension and bro-like bonding between the young detective and the talking dog that you’d expect in every talking animal film. The human detective is straight-laced and awkward with the ladies whilst the dog is a smart aleck tail-chaser. (This is starting to sound uncomfortably like “Two and a Half Men.”)  There’s the scene where the detective tries to prove to his superiors that the dog can talk but the pooch pulls a Michigan J. Frog and plays mute. And there’s the scene reminiscent of Hot to Trot (link to review) where the dog invites a bunch of “party animals” to a wild soiree at the detective’s house, unbeknownst to said detective.

I can’t believe they snuck an obvious drug reference into a children’s movie. But then again, this whole movie feels like a 90-minute drug reference ‘cause nobody in their right frame of mind could’ve made a movie this eclectically bad!

The detective who plays the Turner to Chevy Chase’s Hooch is portrayed by ex-gay porn star Simon Rex. I’m not making this up. Look him up on IMDb or Wikipedia. The acting in this particular scene is what tipped me off:

I’m pretty sure the screenwriters stole this scene from “Poochinsky,” the failed TV pilot about a murdered cop who’s reincarnated as a talking dog.

It’s hard enough for porn stars (pun definitely intended) to make it into mainstream cinema – most end up in schlocky sci-fi/horror T & A fests (Jenna Jameson, Zombie Strippers!) and those that do make it end up playing parodies of themselves or appearing simply for the sake of novelty (Ron Jeremy). But Simon Rex not only broke into the mainstream but into something as wholesome as a children’s movie – in a lead role no less. That’s unprecedented. But then again, judging by the quality of this film, it’s likely they only hired Rex because Jimmy Fallon was unavailable.

Yet the worst acting in this film doesn’t come from an ex-gay porn star. Nor does it come from My Name is Earl alum Jamie Pressly, who’s even less convincing as an FBI agent than Denise Richards as a rocket scientist in The World is Not Enough. It comes from the Oscar-winning Jon Voight, whose turn as the villainous Hamilton Cage is charged with more manic insanity than Christopher Walken and Nicolas Cage combined! His character is even named Cage. And he sports a distractingly bad Southern accent, ugly ponytail, and even uglier faux-snake skin Asian-inspired attire, and is prone to lengthy bouts of maniacal laughter – all hallmarks of a wacky Nic Cage performance.

The fictional Cage, a biotech billionaire, secretly injects his racing greyhounds with Lot 99, a lethal experimental performance enhancer, in order to make millions at the track. This plan blatantly rips off the plot of the James Bond film A View to a Kill, which coincidentally starred Christopher Walken as the villain. Chin Li tries to stop him and is murdered. Cage starts injecting himself with the suspect serum, which gives him super speed, super strength and super insanity.

As if that wasn’t weird enough, Cage starts holding press conferences just to show off his ability to do rad backflips.

Truth be told, if I could do backflips like that I’d be holding press conferences too.

This clusterfuck of a film culminates in an epic kung fu duel pitting Cage against Cho Cho. I lack the ability to articulate just how noodle-scratchingly nuts this sequence is. Heck, most languages lack the vocabulary to describe its lunacy. So here’s a sampling:

First of all, it’s obvious why Nicolas Cage turned down the role: If he were allowed to convey that level of lunacy, the fiery intensity of his performance would surely have caused the Earth to explode!

Secondly: Jon Voight breakdances?! I think we all need an animated GIF of that:

You’re welcome, Internet.

Thirdly, Cho Cho would’ve been able to identify his master’s killer instantly because dogs have an amazingly acute sense of smell. And don’t give me that “It’s a kids’ movie” bullshit, it’s a factoid even young children know. Lazy, lazy writing.

Fortunately that oversight is immediately remedied by what is possibly one of the best bad moments in cinematic history:

I don’t know whether to laugh, to cry, or to cry laughing.

But the real cherry on top of this surreal shit sundae of a movie is the final scene, which involves a dog singing a love song to a cat. The more I think about it, the more my brain hurts.

The image of that sad-eyed Dalmatian playing the cello haunts my nightmares. It’s so horrific and cruel, like something out of David Lynch or Alejandro Jodorowsky.

Bob Clark directed this dogpile. He used to actually direct great movies, like the original Black Christmas and A Christmas Story. Even many of his lesser efforts, like Porky’s, were competent pieces of filmmaking. But by the end of his career he was directing dreck like Baby Geniuses and SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2, which also starred Jon Voight as an over-the-top villain. What the heck happened to Clark and Voight? Maybe they made some sort of Faustian deal in which they’d have success and critical acclaim early on in their careers in exchange for decades of forced participation in humiliatingly bad films.

You’d think that after over 70 years of talking pictures they’d make at least one talking dog movie that doesn’t suck. Maybe I’m expecting too much from a genre dominated by bad animal puns and scatological humor. But I don’t think so. If Babe could elevate the talking pig movie genre above the mediocre level of Gordy, then surely similar lofty heights are possible for talking dogs. After all, both pigs and dogs are known for their intelligence, not just rolling in their own feces.

My Score

1 Pissing Pooch out of 5

All the problems with this movie could’ve been solved by not making this movie.

The Magic Serpent

The film begins as a band of ninjas attack the fortress of the peaceful Lord Ogata. A confused Ogata seeks out General Yukidaijo, his second-in-command, to explain the situation. What follows is the greatest dialogue in the history of screenwriting. Ever:

OGATA
What’s happening, Yukidaijo?

YUKIDAIJO
My lord, you are betrayed by one of your own men… And only I can tell you what his name is.
(dramatic pause)
It’s I – YUKIDAIJO!!!!
(stabs Ogata with sword, laughs maniacally)

David Mamet, eat your heart out!

Yukidaijo then orders his ninja wizard second-in-command, Orochimaru (who just finished murdering Ogata’s wife), to seek out and kill Ogata’s young son, Prince Ikazuchi-Maru. In most movies you’d expect this murder mission to involve one or perhaps many ninjas, a whole lot of crazy ninja acrobatics, and maybe a ninja star or two, with the prince making an eventual safe escape.

But oh no! Instead of sending out a band of inept ninjas, Orochimaru uses his ninja magic to summon a MOTHERFUCKING SEA SERPENT DRAGON! That would be like if the Power Rangers, instead of waiting for the monster-of-the-week to become gigantic in order to defeat it with the MegaZord, just used the MegaZord from the get-go to easily crush it while it was still human-sized! In other words, Orochimaru isn’t your typical hapless movie villain. This fucker doesn’t fuck around.

But just seconds before the dragon can kill the young prince, Lord Ogata’s personal ninja wizard, Dojin Hiki, (who vowed to look after young Ikazuki-Maru) summons a giant Rodan-like eagle to scoop up the boy and fly him to safety! The giant eagle slashes the dragon with its talons, resulting in a Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky-level fountain of blood! And that’s only the first four minutes of the film!

The Magic Serpent – Great Film? Or Greatest?

Ikazuchi-Maru grows up to be an exceptional ninja wizard. We know this because Dojin Hiki explicitly states it: “In ten years I taught you all I know. Now there is nothing left to teach you.” I guess that means the old man’s going to be killed off since he serves no further purpose to the story. Hiki, the master of ninja magic and plot exposition further informs his student (and the audience), “You will do good things. Not like my first student…” It’s blatantly obvious that George Lucas watched this movie.

While prancing through the forest, Ikazuchi-Maru is attacked by a band of ninjas. But they’re no match for him, even after one of the ninjas decapitates him with a boomerang sword! After defeating all the ninjas, Ikazuchi-Maru’s dismembered head floats back to his body all thanks to ninja magic and some of the worst special effects I’ve ever seen.

Since our hero can’t be killed there’s really no point in putting any further emotional investment into this film.

Meanwhile at Master Hiki’s hovel, a magic snake (or rather a Magic Serpent) makes a failed attempt on the old man’s life. The snake turns into Orochimaru, who also happens to be Hiki’s former student. Which is a surprise to no one.

Hiki comments on the scar on Orochimaru’s forehead, which he got while fighting a giant eagle! Woah, woah, woah! So that means that Orochimaru was the dragon that tried to kill Ikazuchi-Maru! He’s like Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty combined with Dark Heart from Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation.

Thankfully he doesn’t shout, “ I care!” at the end of the film and turn into a real boy.

Evil former student and wise old master engage in a lackluster duel. Despite being a master ninja wizard, Dojin Hiki is no match for Orochimaru. The evil ninja wizard easily kills his former master by throwing a poisonous asp at him. So decapitation won’t kill a ninja wizard, but a measly little snakebite will? Is a little consistency too much to ask?

Ikazuchi-Maru returns to find his master dying, and like a certain character in a certain film that would later be made by a certain George Lucas, sets out to avenge the deaths of his master and his parents.

The rest of the movie is fairly typical of low budget wire-assisted ninja film: ninjas flying through the air and fighting each other, various Jedi-like powers on display, and did I mention really bad special effects?

I will never get tired of watching this clip!

As you probably expected, the film’s climax involves Ikazuchi-Maru in a duel-to-the-death against Orochimaru. But it’s carried out in the most unexpectedly awesome fashion: Ikazuchi-Maru uses his ninja magic to transform into a giant horned frog! And Orochimaru transforms back into the giant sea serpent dragon! The two foes battle it out Godzilla-style, totally demolishing a city. I’d been waiting my entire life to see that scene!

Surprisingly enough, the giant frog breathes fire. The dragon “breathes” water. I’m not kiddin’, kiddies – a water-breathing dragon! I guess they wanted to reinforce the fact that these two mortal enemies are polar opposites. But seriously, guys, a water-breathing dragon?! What’s the worst he can do, make the frog wet? Frogs are amphibious for frak’s sake! Why don’t you just attack him with oxygen while you’re at it?

Ninja wizards who can fly, survive decapitation, and turn into various forms of reptiles: that I can believe. But a water-breathing dragon? Now you’re just being unrealistic!

Despite the immense lameness of his “special attack,” Orochimaru’s dragon still manages to pound the crap out of Ikazuchi-Maru’s frog. But fortunately Ikazuchi-Maru’s girlfriend shows up with a “magic spider hairpin” and more or less yells out “Giant Flying Spider, I CHOOSE YOU!” Now the film has turned into “Pokémon”. Awesome!

By the way, that’s web that the spider is shooting at the dragon. But of course you knew that, right? Riiiight?

And that’s really just the tip of this insanity iceberg of a movie.

While this genre mishmash may be a mixed bag, with its clichéd revenge plot and poorly choreographed swordplay, it has more than enough audacity and lo-fi charm to win over the most cynical viewer. Sure, the monster suits and effects are nowhere near as good as those found in the Godzilla films. But, they’re still vastly superior to those of the Gamera series. Although that might not be saying much. For sheer ridiculousness alone, this one comes highly recommended.

After finally achieving dream of seeing ninja wizards battle giant dragons, I gotta level with you folks: I feel kinda hollow. My dream finally came true, now what? It’s not like fictional dragon-battling ninja wizards are gonna put food on the table. Maybe I should reconsider my life goals. Does anyone know if Best Buy is still hiring? I hear their Geek Squad has an employee ninja wizard training program…

My Score

3 ½ Water-Breathing Dragons out of 5

When Bobcat’s wealthy mother dies, he inherits half her brokerage firm, much to the chagrin of his greedy, philandering stepdad, Dabney Coleman, who’s forced to suffer the indignity of wearing buckteeth and giant glasses that make him look like a Japanese stereotype from World War II propaganda.

Me so solly fo awffensive lacist steleotype!

But more importantly, Bobcat inherits a talking horse named Don, voiced by John Candy, who provides him with stock tips that make him a big shot on Wall Street! And when Bobcat moves into a swanky penthouse, the horse moves in with him! And Odd Couple-esque antics ensue! Stop pinching yourself: this is a real movie!

Hot to Trot’s advertising campaign makes the astounding claim of being the “funniest talking horse movie ever made.” While technically true, it’s not exactly a crowning achievement. I guess the far-superior Francis the Talking Mule movie series doesn’t count. ‘Cause it stars a mule, not a horse.

This is an actual Francis movie. No Photoshop trickery involved.

This mule of a movie follows the Francis story template exactly:

1. Unlucky schlub acquires equine.
2. Said equine reveals to schlub its ability to speak.
3. Equine only speaks to schlub, unless talking to someone else results in misunderstanding-based zaniness (preferably when that someone else mistakes the equine’s voice for that of the schlub).
4. Equine’s sage advice (gleaned from overhearing schlub’s co-workers/superiors/enemies articulate their plans – always conveniently in or near horse stables – or from discussions with other animals) enables schlub to succeed despite his own ineptitude.
5. (Optional) Schlub’s rivals discover that his advisor is a horse. Schlub is assumed insane.
6. Equine makes grand reveal of its ability to speak.

Who’da thunk a talking equine movie would have such a strict and unyielding narrative structure! It’s worse than Haiku.

When Bobcat refuses to sell his half of the business to his step dad, he’s kicked out of the family mansion – which looks EXACTLY like the mansion from “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!”

Bobcat is the Jazz to Dabney’s Uncle Phil

It’s at this point that Don the Horse reveals to Bobcat his ability to speak (“We gotta talk”) and the two set off on a road trip of self-discovery. Along the way, Don elaborates on his speaking ability: “I speak human, giraffe, worm, toad, whale – humpback and sperm. You might say I’m a four-legged Dr. Doolittle.” Don follows this factoid with a full minute of disturbing maniacal cackling. Was John Candy paid in cocaine?

This is starting to look an awful lot like the awful Theodore Rex

They visit Don’s family, who seem to own their own farm! Don comes from a family of talking horses. You read correctly, an ENTIRE FAMILY OF TALKING HORSES! WHO OWN THEIR OWN FARM! And instead of having a horseshoe nailed over the barn door, they have a human’s shoe! I’ve hit the absurdity jackpot!

We meet Don’s Three Stooges-obsessed brother Lou, who has his mane trimmed into a Moe Howard-esque bowl cut, yet talks like Curly – complete with “Soytainly’s”, “Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck’s” and “Woobwoobwoobwoobwoobwoob’s.”

With a name like Lou wouldn’t it have made more sense for him to be obsessed with (Bud) Abbott and (Lou) Costello?)

We also meet Don’s bitter dying father, voiced by Burgess Meredith. It’s bad enough that Mr. Meredith’s Mickey character was written out of the Rocky series, but now he has to suffer the indignity of appearing in a talking horse movie. Strangely enough, that’s the second time I’ve used the expression “suffer the indignity” in this review. I have a strong feeling it won’t be the last. It’s interesting to note that Mr. Meredith was uncredited for his role in this film. Probably at his own request.

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HE-MAN & SHE-RA: A CHRISTMAS SPECIAL (1985)

What better way to rekindle the Holiday spirit than with an hour-long toy commercial? He-Man and his twin sister She-Ra join forces for one the most enjoyable and unintentionally hilarious Christmas specials I’ve ever seen.

He-Man, AKA Prince Adam, and She-Ra, AKA Princess Adora, have the most unconvincing secret identities in all of secret identitydom. No masks. No removal of eyeglasses. No change in hairstyle. Just ridiculous costumes. Even Miley Cyrus knows enough to throw on a blonde wig when she dresses as Hannah Montana. I don’t know why they even bother with secret identities when they don’t even bother to keep them secret.

Through a series of conveniently contrived plot twists (every plot twist in a Christmas special seems to be conveniently contrived) two Earth children are accidentally teleported to He-Man’s planet of Eternia. When the two kids, Alicia and Miguel, bitch about not being able to get home in time to celebrate Christmas, King Randor and Queen Marlena decide to include a Christmas celebration with the birthday festivities of Adam and Adora, which just so happens to occur on the exact same day. The fact that they would equate He-Man and She-Ra with Jesus Christ is offensive beyond belief.

Apparently this “new spirit of goodness” is an insult to the evil galactic overlord Horde Prime, who believes that Christmas will challenge his evil grip on the galaxy. This Wizard of Oz-esque baddie orders his underlings, Skeletor and She-Ra’s foe Hordak, to crush the Christmas spirit by delivering the Earth children to him. Probably for some sort of black mass blood sacrifice.

So basically Skeletor’s mission is to steal Christmas. This is starting to sound a lot like my childhood fan fiction!

Hordak strikes first, using a tractor beam to suck the kids into his suggestively shaped helicopter.

What were the toymakers thinking? Maybe I don’t want to know.

The copter flies to Etheria, where it’s shot down by the “Monstroids,” a band of giant transforming robots in unconvincing disguise. Alicia and Miguel are taken to a Monstroid prison cell to await execution. Why is it that every Holiday special portrays the worst possible things that could ever happen on Christmas?

That’s the most unconvincing disguise I’ve seen since He-Man and She-Ra.

The kids aren’t locked up for long. A couple of the Monstroids’ archenemies, the so-called “Manchines,” arrive to bust ‘em out. Who names these things? It sounds like the Mansiere, Frank Costanza’s name for a male bra.

A Manchine named Cutter cuts through the prison bars (“They don’t call me Cutter for nothin’!) while a talking go-cart named Zipper (“They don’t call him Zipper for nothin’) speeds them off to safety. I swear Zipper must be voiced by terrible comedian / “Tim & Eric” regular, James Quall! “Zzzzzzzop on! There’zzzzzzzz aaaaaaaaa Monstroid just aaaaaaround zzzzzz-corner!”

All that’s missing is for him to repeat the phrase “Spaghetti and meatballs” over and over again.

Pretty soon the kids and the Manchines are surrounded by Monstroids. But as luck, and bad screenwriting, would have it, that’s the exact moment that He-Man, She-Ra, and a whole army of Manchines decide to show up and save the day. The “Manchines” certainly don’t live up to their name. They don’t look anything like men. More like characters from the rejected “Mega Man Babies” cartoon.

Skeletor takes advantage of all this hubbub to swoop in on his flying jet ski and capture the Earth kids and their newly-adopted “Manchine puppy.” The jealous Hordak shoots lasers at the jet ski, sending it careening into the deadly snow-capped Etherian Mountains.

Now begins the best part of this—or any—Christmas special ever produced in the history of history. Skeletor forces the kids into a grim death march through the frozen wastes. The kids are freezing to death. But Skeletor doesn’t give a shit: “I said MOVE IT!” “But it’s Christmas time,” they whine. “What’s Christmas time?” Halfway through her explanation, Alicia passes out in the snow. But Skeletor shows zero concern: “There’s no Christmas spirit here! So get moving, you two!” Skeletor is my kinda cartoon villain!

Skeletor: Guilty of child abuse and extreme awesomeness.

Alicia won’t wake up no matter how hard Skeletor yells at her or shakes his fists in the air. So the bone-faced badass uses his evil magical staff to give the kids warm parkas.

Mistaking his pragmatism for generosity, Alicia says, “Thank you Mister Skeletor, you are very kind.” Insulted by this compliment, Skeletor forces them to leave their puppy behind to die a cold and painful death. Hannibal Lecter’s got nothin’ on this guy!

That’s what you get for calling Skeletor kind: He kills your puppy!

But Skeletor has a change of heart and picks the pup up out of the snow. Disgusted by his own compassion and decency, he whines, “I don’t know what’s coming over me. But whatever it is, I DON’T LIKE IT!” I know what’s coming over him; it’s the Christmas spirit! Just don’t tell Skeletor that; he’d probably murder your family and make you watch.

Then the dog starts licking Skeletor’s face! Skeletor protests, but it’s pretty obvious he secretly enjoys it.

Alicia offers to carry the dog. But Skeletor doesn’t believe in charity: “Er… We’ll go much FASTER if I carry him. Tell me more about this Christmas.”

This exchange of dialogue gives a rare glimpse into Skeletor’s damaged psyche:

MIGUEL: It’s a wonderful time of year. Everyone has lots of fun.
SKELETOR: You mean they get in fights?
MIGUEL: No! Nooo! They have fun.
SKELETOR: Fights ARE fun! I LIKE fights!

How can this scene possibly get any better? How ‘bout if they get attacked by a Snow Beast!

Skeletor makes quick work of the monster. “So much for the Snow Beast,” he cackles. The kids mistake Skeletor’s love of killing endangered animals for kindess: “Oh thank you, Mister Skeletor, you SAVED us! You really are wonderful!” And just look how Skeletor reacts to their love and support:

Skeletor’s heart grew three sizes that day

Because this scene couldn’t possibly get more awesome, Hordak and shows up and recaptures the children. Then Horde Prime shows up. Then He-Man and She-Ra show up once again to save the day. But they save nothing. Skeletor single-handedly defeats Horde Prime, the most powerful evil force in the universe, with one simple blast of his evil magical staff. Now that’s what I call badass!

He-Man, She-Ra, and Skeletor are equally dumbfounded as the kids embrace their bone-faced hero. He-Man suggests that maybe Skeletor is suffering from a serious case of the Christmas spirit: “It makes you feel… GOOD.” “I don’t like to feel good,” whines Skeletor, “I like to feel EVIL! Awwww!”

And that’s how Skeletor Stole Saved Christmas!

And finally, the cherry on top of this insanity sundae: He-Man as Santa Claus!

The most convincing disguise He-Man has ever worn

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special feels less like an episode of Masters of the Universe than a work of fan fiction. A work of AWESOME fan fiction! Skeletor’s defection to the good side must’ve P.O.’d legions of hardcore He-Man fans. There are so many baffling moments in this cartoon that I wasn’t sure if the writers were in on the joke or if they were totally out of their minds. If they were in on the joke, then this is one of the most brilliant self-reflexive parodies of Christmas specials ever produced.

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But what about all those Christmas specials that aim for classic status and fail miserably (and hilariously)? For every one heart-cockle-warming program out there, there’s at least ten to send you straight to the depths of Jingle Hell. This is your Holiday guide to the baffling, the bizarre, and the downright depressing. Get ready for a haunting visit from the Ghosts of Christmas Specials Past!

THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL (1978)

Let’s just get this one out of the way, shall we? The Star Wars Holiday Special is the most painful two hours of television you will ever endure. Its reputation for sucktitude does not do it justice. Make no mistake, this is not so-bad-it’s-good. It’s beyond bad. It’s beyond unwatchable. It’s the crappy Christmas special equivalent of Videodrome: an experiment in video-based warfare designed to destroy the viewer’s mind with its sheer awfulness.

The concept sounds promising enough: All the stars of the original film reunite for a low budget TV drama that’s really just a veiled excuse to string together a series of musical numbers, celebrity cameos, and other variety show acts. The year is 1978. Star Wars exists as only one film. The rules of its fictional universe aren’t yet set in stone. The narrative possibilities are endless. Maybe the Empire would kidnap Space Santa and Luke and Han would come to the rescue and save Space X-Mas! Maybe we’d get a retelling of “A Christmas Carol” with Darth Vader as Scrooge! Instead we get Chewbacca’s bickering family and something called “Life Day.”

This grueling two-hour “special” is mostly of scenes of Chewbacca’s family fighting, squabbling, and generally making each other’s lives miserable as they wait for their patriarch to return home for the Life Day feast. The first ten minutes consist almost exclusively of Wookiees running around a tree house barking, growling, grunting, and whining. With no subtitles to let us know what the heck is going on.

If you thought Jar Jar was the black eye of the series, just wait ‘till you meet Chewie’s son Lumpy.

The scenes with the original movie cast members are nothing more than glorified cameos. Mark Hamill looks like he’s wearing a cheap Luke Skywalker Halloween mask. He had just undergone plastic surgery after his face was disfigured in a car accident and they tried to hide his scars with lots of makeup. They failed miserably.

… and Lon Chaney as Luke Skywalker

Harrison Ford clearly doesn’t want anything to do with this turd. He looks absolutely pissed off.

And he has every right to be. He’s forced to utter such classic lines as “Why do I always think taking you home for Life Day is going to be easy?”, and the fan favorite “You’re like… family… to me,” which he says to the Chewbacca clan. It’s a testament to Ford’s acting ability that he was able to say that last line with a straight face.

All the special effects are recycled (poorly) from the original film. In fact Darth Vader’s cameo is made up exclusively of recycled footage with a poorly recorded voice over replacing the original sound.

Actual Dialogue: “I want the Rebels located and identified if it means searching every household in the system!”

The “Special Guests” don’t fare much better. Bea Arthur plays Ackmena, head bar wench of the famous Mos Eisley cantina. She performs a musical song and dance number to the tune of the Cantina theme from the original movie. And she dances with Greedo!

Greedo: slow on the draw, electric on the dance floor

Harvey Korman suffers the indignity of three roles: a four-armed, green-skinned Julia Child parody obsessed with stirring things, a faulty cyborg who seems like he’s from a “Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!” sketch gone horribly wrong, and a Cantina patron who hits on Bea Arthur and drinks through a blowhole in the top of his head.

You hear that Harv? That’s the sound of your last ounce of dignity pouring away

Art Carney (of “The Honeymooners” fame) plays Saundan, a local trader who provides Chewie’s dad Itchy with virtual reality porn featuring ‘70s songstress Diahann Carroll. Porn – that’s really the only way to describe it. Here’s some sample dialogue:

DIAHANN CARROLL:  My voice is for you alone. I exist for you. I am in your mind as you create me. OH YES! I can feel my creation! I am getting your message. Are you getting mine?

CUT TO: Itchy moaning and twitching.

DIAHANN CARROLL: Oooooh! We are excited, aren’t we?… Nooooow, we can have a good time, can’t we?…I am your fantasy. I am your experience. Experience me! I am your pleasure. Enjoy me!

This is beyond suggestive. This is blatant.

And Jefferson Starship? I’m pretty sure they’re only here ‘cause their name contains the word “starship.”

Maybe they changed their name to get the gig.

The grand finale of this special somehow manages to top everything else that’s come before it for sheer sucktitude. A heavily drugged Princess Leia gives the Wookiees of the planet “Kazook” (?) an impassioned speech about “freedom and harmony,” “the Tree of Life” and other New Age-y Hippie-dippy nonsense. And then she breaks out into off-key singing! To the tune of the Star Wars main theme!

The other original cast members stare in utter disbelief and reconsider the future of their careers.

The only remotely watchable part of this space travesty is a 10-minute animated short, “The Faithful Wookiee,” which is notable for the first ever appearance of Boba Fett, (pre-dating his Empire Strikes Back appearance by two years). This segment is so much better than the rest of the program that it boggles my mind they didn’t do the whole special as an animated feature.

The Star Wars Holiday Special was so poorly received that it only aired once. George Lucas, who had little involvement due to his commitment to pre-production on Empire Strikes Back, reportedly hated the finished product so much that he prevented it from ever being released on home video. But bootlegged copies have proliferated at conventions and on the ‘Net for years. Why? I have absolutely no clue.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is the Pandora’s Box of ironic entertainment. Forget “do not open ‘till X-Mas.” Do not open EVER! It’ll fill your stockings with Christmas jeer.

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It’s basically Blade Runner with Barney. And Whoopi Goldberg. And fart jokes. Lots and lots of fart jokes. Even after two viewings it still blows my mind that a mainstream film this bizarre actually exists.

Did I mention the fart jokes?

My first encounter with Theodore Rex was at the local VHS rental shop when I was a wee youngin’. My first thought while analyzing the VHS box cover art: Cool, a dinosaur! And it looks just like the dinosaurs from “Dinosaurs.” I love that show!

My second thought: Whoopi Goldberg?!

Third thought: That so-called “Rex” has FOUR digits on each hand, NOT TWO. Everyone knows a Rex has only two digits per hand.

Fourth Thought: If they overlooked that detail, what the fuck else did they fuck up?

Even at the age of 9 I could smell a turkey. After all, if it was any good how come I never saw any trailers or TV ads promoting its theatrical release?

That’s ‘cause Rex never had a theatrical release. It did so poorly in test screenings that New Line Cinema decided to dump it straight-to-video. With a budget of $33.5 million, Theodore Rex was the most expensive direct-to-video release of all time.

Whoopi Goldberg only appeared in this dino dookie of a movie under threat of legal action. When she tried to back out of the project, the producers filed a $20 million lawsuit against her. The eventual settlement only cost the producers an additional $2 million to Goldberg’s salary. It only cost Goldberg her dignity.

But Whoopi got her revenge with one of the most bland and bitter performances I’ve ever seen. To say she phones it in would be an insult to telephones everywhere. In every scene she’s in, it’s painfully obvious that she does NOT want to be there.

She’s even pissed off in scenes where she’s supposed to be happy:

I’m so happy we saved the world, Teddy. No, really! That’s just how I smile.

To add insult to injury, this court-ordered appearance won Whoopi the Razzie Award for “Worst Performance by an Actress.” And I say undeservedly so. I wouldn’t classify what she does on-screen as a ‘performance.’ That would imply she was actually performing. She spends all her screen time sulking.

The narrative of Theodore Rex is a textbook example of a screenwriter trying to cram too many ideas, too many genres and too many subplots into a single script. The result is a film in which everything is painfully underdeveloped.

The film begins with this line of text: “Once Upon a Time in the Future…”

This sets the perfect tone for a story this bizarre, conveying a sense of both fantasy and science fiction. The invocation of “Once Upon a Time” suggests that this tale takes place in an unknown, undefined future that may never actually happen.

But then they immediately fuck it all up with this opening crawl:

I thought “Once Upon a Time” means it takes place in an unspecified time. Now it takes place at a specific time – the present day. A present day in which dinosaurs once again walk the earth? Or is this an alternate present? I frankly don’t know. And after five minutes I stopped caring.

This opening crawl isn’t even necessary. It conveys information that’s revealed later on in the film. And in a more artful way I might add. (Not that anything in Theodore Rex qualifies as being artful.) If anything it spoils any sense of surprise or ambiguity that would make this movie more enjoyable. It would be like watching The Empire Strikes Back in 1980 and seeing an opening crawl like this:

We don’t need to know that Darth Vader is Luke’s father until the end of the film. And we don’t need to know that Kane is the villain until the middle of Act 2. And we sure-as-shootin’ don’t need to know about his dastardly plan before the film even starts. However, to say that this unnecessary spoiler single-handedly ruins the film would be exaggeration of the highest order.

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To those considering watching this failed attempt at horror comedy, don’t bother. To those involved in the making of this so-called film, don’t bother! Don’t bother making any more films. Don’t bother watching any more films. Don’t even bother watching YouTube.

It was written and directed by Chris Seaver, whose previous cinematic attempts include such illuminating titles as Wet Heat, Scrotal Vengeance, and Heather and Puggly Drop a Deuce. The opening credits inform us that this is “A Chris Seaver Talkie”. As opposed to “A Chris Seaver Porno”? Trust me, you do not want to know what a blood fart is.

I’m not going to summarize what happens in the movie. I’m not even going to continue writing this review. It would be a waste of your time as a reader. And I really don’t want to relive the grueling torture I endured viewing this slasher stinkeroo. I love a bad movie just as much – heck, even more – than the next guy.

But sometimes you just come across a movie so bad, so unfunny (at a Love Guru level), that to spend time writing or talking about it would be to grant it an amount of respect and attention it does not deserve. And this is coming from a critic who wrote extensive analyses of Cool as Ice and Going Overboard. It’s as if the folks behind this movie attempted to make a no-budget Friedberg/Seltzer (Epic Movie, Meet the Spartans) spoof comedy and made something even more wretched, more detestable, and more painfully and embarrassingly unfunny.

This is the Pandora’s Box of bad movies. Don’t open it, brah!

But if you want to sit through 76 minutes chock-a-block with atrocious “jokes”, a homicidal and flamboyantly-gay scarecrow, the most exhaustingly-bad overacting I have ever suffered through, and a fatso horny goth chick who spends a good chunk of the movie humping the air while screaming “Enter me!”, then be my guest. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My Rating
-25 Blood Farts out of 5

This is an insult to “direct-to-DVD”.

(Not So) FUN FACT
Chris Seaver has taken a page from mockbuster making production company The Asylum and is currently working on a Twilight spoof titled Taintlight.

Now you’re beginning to comprehend the hell that is The Asylum’s “mockbuster” of Michael Bay’s Transformers, the bafflingly-titled Transmorphers. And yes, as hard as it is to believe, this movie is worse than Transformers 2.

This cash-grab crapfest hit video stores mere days before the theatrical release of the aforementioned first “Bayformers” flick, which means the filmmakers didn’t even have a chance to see the film they were ripping off. So they ripped off the Transformers movie trailers instead, then filled in the gaps by cribbing pretty much every decent/recent sci-fi film you can think of. What Aaron Seltzer & Jason Friedberg (Meet the Spartans, Disaster Movie) are to comedy, Transmorphers writer-director-producer-editor (it’s usually a bad sign in a B-movie when a filmmaker’s title involves so many hyphens) Leigh Scott (The Da Vinci Treasure, Snakes on a Train) is to sci-fi action. Scott’s attempts at cinema make Uwe Boll look like Ingmar Bergman.

It didn’t have to be this way. This movie’s got giant killer robots, a dorky scientist with a sexy android girlfriend, and hot twenty-something lesbians galore! All the ingredients needed to make the BEST. MOVIE. EVER. How did they fuck that up?

I’ll spare you the usual in-depth analysis, as I’m not a sado-masochist…

Oh, who am I kidding? I live for this shit.

As told in a completely unnecessary introduction read off by a dude with a phony-sounding British accent, in the far off year of 2009, the earth is invaded by robot aliens in poorly rendered polygon-shaped spaceships.

Believe it or not, these are the best effects shots of the whole movie.

The robot aliens (robaliens?) wipe out over 90% of humanity, and block out the sun… for some reason. You’d think they’d need the sun’s rays to recharge their solar cells or something.

Is this a screen shot from Transmorphers or Sim City 2000?

Transmorphers is more than just a rip-off of Michael Bay’s Transformers. It also rips off Michael Bay’s Armageddon.

After this awesomely underwhelming scene of global destruction, we’re treated to our first glimpse of an actual Transmorpher. It transforms – or should I say, “transmorphs” – from a poorly-rendered fighter jet into one of the worst CGI robots I’ve ever seen. And it only goes downhill from here.

They pretty much wasted their effects budget on an introduction that could easily have been explained away in a line or two of dialogue.

The remnants of humanity, now living underground (and made up almost exclusively of young female porn stars), plan a surprise attack against the robalien overlords. The military debriefing scene is a shamefully inept “homage” to far-superior films like Aliens and Starship Troopers. It is rife with clichéd lines like “Oh yeah, this baby’s gonna do some DAMAGE!” delivered by “actors” who look like they were just pulled off the street, or in some cases from the gutter. The characters are really underdeveloped. To call them stereotypes would be praising the screenwriter for his consistency.

The plan fails miserably, which is unsurprising considering the “plan” made little sense to begin with. And the “soldiers” have no vehicles, body armor, and in some cases, weapons. Either this future society is severely lacking in resources or the filmmakers barely had enough money to cobble this disasterpiece together. My money’s on the latter. We don’t even get to see any of the action, or any robots for that matter. All we get is bad set design, bad lighting effects, and even worse acting. When a soldier utters his dying words, “They’re changing,” we pretty much have to take his word for it.

After that exercise in lousy soldiering and even worse filmmaking, the military tribunal (made up almost entirely of MILFs) decides to thaw out criminal Warren Mitchell from Cryo-Freeze and allows him to lead them despite his criminal background. According to a Shatner-esque character I’ll refer to as Scary Cat Lady, “He’s the best… we’ve… got.”

Introducing Shaley Scott, most likely a relative of director Leigh Scott. Nepotism/acting/hair & makeup at its absolute worst.

The sexy General Van Ryberg tries to kibosh this. Mitchell’s leadership means she won’t be able to continue squandering the entire military budget on hair and makeup. They’ve been fighting a centuries-old war with almost no resources and they’re living in underground squalor – yet she looks fantastic. PLOT ALERT! After Van Ryberg sentenced Mitchell to Cryo-Freeze, she immediately seduced and married his wife!

What is it with the widespread lesbianism in this movie? Humanity’s on the brink of extinction, you’d think everyone would be concerned with increasing the population.

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