Hello ladies and chumps. The merry gang of fart sniffers at Fun Times Internet are hard up for stuff to post on their dumb site so they dropped ol Babe a line and said they’d put up any column I sent em. So I thought up a neato feature called BABE SHECKLERS MONEY SCHOOL where I teach ya time tested lessons for wheelin, dealin and financial success and this is the first one cheers.
LESSON #1 : HAGGLE BABY
A wise man once said that “the final offer is the one that gets written on the check”. Who said that? Your readin him right now. When the fart stains who make this website dialed me up, they tried to pull the classic “lowball”. In exchange for my time and expertese these mental midgets offered me… ZIP JACKITY SQUAT.
Thats right, apparently this website is a money loser and everyone here is “doin it for fun”. I laughed so hard I almost ruined a good pair of dockers. So I countered with 9.62 dollars per column. Why? Well…
LESSON #2 : EVEN NUMBERS ARE SCARY
The brain works in weird ways. Stores never sell something for a whole dollar. (Except the dollar store, but do ya want a jar of pickles some underpaid shlub in Hong Kong probably shot his load into? DIDNT THINK SO) Its cause 99 cents seems like a lot less. I wanted 10 bucks a pop to write for this butthole (heard that Tom Clancy started out making that much to write Fold Ins for Mad Magazine, and ya gotta respect the greats) so I asked for $9.62. Cause whats 38 cents to someone like me? If ya dont know the value of a dollar, its cause you got enough that you can blow 200 of em on a remote control helicopter.
After somethin that sounded like muffled laughter but was probly them peein their panties, they CAVED. Some sad sack on the other end said “Wow I dont know how we’ll afford that Babe”. Well numb nuts you can start by sellin anything you dont need on the computer. Hell lets make that a lesson.
LESSON #3 : SELL ANYTHING YOU DONT NEED ON THE COMPUTER
Ive made a ton of dough over the years just sellin useless crap I find lyin around the house. For instance I was pawin through the drawers in my boy Brayden’s room, makin sure he’s still steerin clear of the funny stuff, and you wouldnt believe how many pairs of tighty whiteys this kid has. 6! You’d think he’s startin his own undie store. So I listed TEEN BOY UNDERWEAR on Kijiji and within ten minutes, this grubby old geez rips up to Sheckler Manor in his van and buys the lot for a cool hundo. TRUE STORY
LESSON #4 : GIVE AN INCH TAKE A MILE
Maybe you think $9.62 is a lowly fee for a valuable service like this. Well jerk, the fart balls who run this garbage hole never said there was a limit to how many of these I could write. Thats why its part 1 of 1800! I’m gonna crank out 12 of these a day. I wrote this whole thing with my Blackberry, sittin on the can at the mall. I made ten bucks just by workin out a plate of (DELICIOUS) Manchu Wok.
I dont know what idiots like Steve King have been groanin about, writing is the easiest thing ever. You just start typin and don’t stop. If your goin back to fix grammer or take out a racial slur then your wasting precious seconds.
That segways into my last lesson of the dump …
LESSON #5 : TIME IS MONEY
If you dont value your own time, your never gonna be a success. During the boring crap that takes up most of your day you gotta multi task and hunt for that next dollar. Some people would (and did) say that hagglin the price of a used Ford Taurus during my brother’s funeral was a tasteless move. Well I bought that ride for 700 bucks and flipped it three months later for 750. I made 50 bones when I could have been squirtin tears like those other fools!
Folks the toilets been flushed and its time to get back to the rest of my Manchu. If you dont see 12 editions of MONEY SCHOOL poppin up on here each day, its not because I aint been writin them. Just e-mail the dummies who run this joint at firstname.lastname@example.org and say I WANT MY BABE TV