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The Species Olympics
Ah, the Olympics. Every two years our attention turns to the fastest, the strongest, and the most disciplined athletes that mankind has to offer. While we watch Michael Phelps break a record winning eight gold medals in Beijing, it is plain to see that very few things can captivate the globe in the same way. After all the “real” medals are handed out, our hearts are warmed by the Special Olympians, who refuse to accept their inferiority. Good on ‘em, I say. They’ve got at least one less leg than me, and they could still beat me in a foot race. Unless I tripped them. And, I would. So watch out, Limpy.
This year, Olympic Fever won’t end there.
Wayburn Garfield III, the accidental inventor of the Flying Alarm Clock (he was trying to build a smartbomb while on opium), passed away in May 2008. His son, Wayburn “Willburn” Garfield IV, was ready to collect his Clock-money inheritance, quit the Home Depot, and settle down. Then he read his Father’s will.
Willburn was surprised to find a collection clause on his inheritance. Before Will could collect his father’s bundles of buttercash, he would have to complete the life goal that Wayburn never could – host the first ever Species Olympics.
Wayburn III lost his mind in 1998 after a bonk or two to the head on a routine mountain-scaling expedition. He claimed that while he tumbled down the eight-hundred metre range, he had an opium-inspired epiphany. As the paramedics gauzed up his wounds, he screamed out “The Olympics have reached a dead end! The animals! It’s time to include the animals!”
For the next ten years, Wayburn began preparations for the Species Olympics. He used a large portion of his Clock-monies, and Clock-resources to break into zoos, pilfer from aquariums, and even hunt on African safaris to begin his interspecies training procedures. Just as Wayburn had perfected his 113 event, 200+ Animathlete plan, his crippling opium addiction lead him down a dark path. Into an alleyway. Where he was stabbed. By himself. Because he was all whacked out on opium.
So now, in order to claim his inheritance, Willburn IV must execute his father’s incredibly-deluded, insane plan to force animals, reptiles, birds, insects, and even humans, to compete against each other in athletic displays.
October 1st, 2008 will mark the Opening Ceremonies for the inaugural Species Olympics. Festivities, along with most of the events, will take place in the Home Depot parking lot, and in the Opa-Locka Community Pool across the street.
As a sneak preview, let’s take a look at some of the competing kingdoms of species. We’ll size up their strengths, weaknesses, and some featured athletes that you should keep an eye out for. Because seriously, you might get trampled by an elephant, or get a wicked snakebite or something.
The Reptiles /AmphibiansThese slimy bastards definitely won’t do too well in any of our track events, unless the Barney the Boa Constrictor manages to swallow all the other competitors at the starting block of the 100m Dash. But watch out for the Amphibian phenom Tittie the Treefrog. He may be small, but his high jump is out of this world.
The Land MammalsThere’s lots of talent on land, and you’ll know it in the Marathon race. Sly the Stallion is hoping to scoop up medals in all the long-distance foot races. Let’s just hope he doesn’t throw a shoe. Be on the lookout for an underdog in the Steeplechase. It’s a dog! Named Under! Yuk, yuk, yuk. No, seriously, that fuckin’ dog can run and jump like a champ.
The BirdsMy favourite for Rhythmic Gymnastics is probably Fanny Flamingo. She’s got grace, discipline, and I can guarantee you’ve never seen anything like a pink bird tossing a ribbon around. Obviously the Birds are going to sweep most of the Flight competitions, but we’ve gotta give kudos to the Flying Fish and the Flying Squirrel for coming out. I mean, come on, it’s like Cool Runnings all over again.
The Aquatic Mammals and Fish, aka The Marine TeamWhen we cross the street and take a dip in the Opa-Locka Community Swimming Pool, the Marine Team is going to own the water. The real story here is going to be Gurdy the Great White Shark. He has threatened to eat anyone who comes close to his record qualifying time. I think that the Reptiles might have a chance here if they stuff a little bit of chum into Danny Dolphin’s speedo. Don’t tell the Olympic committee though! Chum-doping is highly prohibited in interspecies athletic competition.
The InsectsThese little buggers may be small, but don’t count them out. Straight from the West Nile, Tito Mosquito is a favourite in the much-hyped Gymnastics Floor Routine. Once those wings get going, watch out. He’ll tumble and buzz his way into the hearts of all the spectators. Then, he’ll suck their blood! Damn, Tito. Damn. The Insect Powerlifting team is looking strong too, comprised of mostly ants. They’ll be untouchable in the Super-Super-Mini-Lightweight division.
The HumanzeesThis team was formed to fulfill a special request in the will of Wayburn III. His son Willburn must compete in all events, always accompanied by a chimpanzee on his back. In this inexplicable twist of fate, no one is really considering whether the Humanzees will win any events. The real question is whether the man/chimp combo will survive the Games at all. God be with Wayburn IV, and hopefully he’ll have enough Clock-money left over to endure his inevitable hospital bills.
So if you have some spare time in October, swing by the Opa-Locka Home Depot parking lot to witness a spectacle that is sure to be the closest physical representation of Jumanji that Florida has ever seen, including the Universal Theme Park ride that may or may not exist.
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